Beat Michigan Tuesday Skull Session

Happy Tuesday everyone, and welcome to your morning Skull Session. Hey, did you know that literally every living thing on earth hates those associated with the University of Michigan with every fibre of their being? It's true! As the famed historian and polymath Dan Brown has shown, people often include obtuse and hidden meanings to their writings and works, and to reveal these meanings takes nothing but an ordinary genius. A Hawking-esque savant, if you will. Luckily for all of you, I am that genius, and in today's Skull Session we will be doing our usual exploration of football minutiae, but as an added bonus I will also let you see the secret underpinnings of Michigan football hate that permeates the world around us.

But first...

DEPTH CHART Well. This is it. The last depth chart of the regular season. I will miss you, old friend. Remember all those times you changed because of injury? Well, okay, maybe not, but do you remember all those times that players were injured and you didn't change? Wasn't that fun? Hell, Jake Stoneburner has never not been listed as the starter and he was out for weeks! And he's still not 100%! A regular Hepburn and Tracy we are. You lie, I laugh. Wait, what's that? You say you DO have a change this week?!?

Oh ho ho, you cheeky little monkey.

So okay, no real changes other than that. However, there are rumors on the internets that Herron possibly has a tweaked ankle, and (despite what I and others have said on Twitter) Christian Bryant will likely NOT be playing this weekend. Sad face.

NCAA Tryin To Catch Me Ridin Dirty Dillion Baxter, USC freshman RB, was ruled ineligible because he was given a golf cart ride around campus by an agent. The agent, who is also a USC student and says the ride was totally innocent, claims to be BFFs with several of the players on the team, which I'm sure thrills the AD at USC to no end. The idea that an agent could even get within spitting distance of a player (to say nothing of giving them rides around campus) at USC so soon after they received one of the worst punishments from the NCAA in recent memory is not a good sign for them.

So, how is this proof that everyone in the universe hates U of M? Easy. Golf carts qualify as Low Emission Vehicles, and this entire story is an fairly obvious attempt by the mass media to promote alternative transportation modes at the cost of traditional gas fueled cars supplied by the Michigan auto industry. The implication to young people is clear; ride in zero emission vehicles with your bros and meet agents. Ride in Detroit clunkers to practice and live in misery in rural Michigan forever.

Bo Knows Apologies Bo Pelini was forced to apologize for some truly epic ranting and raving at the officials during last Saturday's game against Texas A&M and also explain the status of QB Taylor Martinez. Though it is pretty undeniable to anyone watching the game that the Huskers were getting screwed to a fairly intense degree, incidents like these are part of the reason why Bo is not likely too high on the list of people to replace the Senator when he retires. Anyway, here's the apology:

"I always believe it's OK to disagree with a call," Pelini said. "It's not OK to make it personal. At times during that game, probably in my quest to fight for the kids on our football team, I let it get personal. For that, once again, I'm sorry. I regret that."

Wait. Let's highlight some of those letters.

"I Always believe it's OK to disagree with a call," Pelini said. "It's Not OK to make it persoNal. At times duRing that game, proBably in my quest to fight fOR the kIdS on our football teAm, I let it get perSonal. For that, once again, I'm SorrY. I regret that."

ANN ARBOR IS ASSY. Woah! And lest you think I picked letters at random, guess what? Those letters correspond to the 2, 42, 60, 63, 72, 87, 109, 110, 115, 117, 133, 147, 170, and 174th letters in that quote. That adds up to 1401, which is evenly divisible by 3. Also divisible by 3? 3954, which is 1967 (the year of Pelini's birth) plus 1987 (the year Bo Pelini's OSU team beat Michigan).

OR DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?

A Fortress Of Solitude For The Poorly Dressed Oregon, as many of you know, is the alma mater of Nike head honcho Phil Knight. This is why the Ducks are frequently bedecked in some of the worst abominations ever known to man, and also why they're going to get a 130,000 square foot football Taj Mahal (although presumably sans dead lady). In related news: Michigan, sponsored by Adidas, got a really sweet camping tent and a magic 8 ball.