The Situational: Week 11

Two weeks without an Ohio State football game: It's like 1/17th of the offseason crammed right into the middle of the season just to remind you of how horrible things are for most of the year.

The Buckeyes are spending their bye week soaking in hot and cold tubs to help heal their bodies for Urban Meyer's final two adversaries: Bret Bielema's bloated wizardry and Brady Hoke's corpulent genius.

Vanquishing both would qualify his first season in Columbus as football's sexiest honeymoon season since Larry Coker's at Miami 11 years ago.

But that dream slumbers for another week, and regardless of what goes down next Saturday in Madison (SPOILER: Drunk people outnumbered only by encased meats) the Michigan game never cedes importance to anything. For now, it's a weekend of rest and observation.

And speaking of observation and Michigan, check out not-Tate Forcier in that picture. A few weeks ago The Situational made the mistake of displaying Jenn Sterger in its opening when discussing FSU, and then last week it showcased some fancy Oregon cheerleaders. That elicited pleas from the commentariat for more pretty lady pictures in this space.

Well, the Internet has plenty of those already and some men just prefer to watch the world burn. So here, have a Michigan Woman™ (she's probably just a native Ohioan rebelling anyway – that's how the category is generally defined).

Next time be more specific. Let's get Situational!

THE DEAD PRESIDENT

This showcase alternates between native Ohioans and presidents from wherever the Buckeyes are playing this weekend BUT since Ohio State gets off this Saturday it made more sense to highlight the only POTUS whose name sounds like it was created by the adult film industry.

"Bow-chicka QUACK QUACK." - Mallard Fillmore

Millard Fillmore was the last of the merkins Whigs to sit in the Oval Office, and like the majority of made men who have graced The Situational with their deadness, he was also one of the weakest presidents the Republic has ever seen. 

As POTUS in the turbulent mid-1800s Fillmore chose to appease the South by using federal protection of slavery as a bargaining chip. He signed off on providing government officers to slave owners to assist them in tracking down escaped property on their behalf.

After leaving office, Fillmore was one of America's highest-profile xenophobes, which history remembers as the Know-Nothing movement. He was creeped out by Irish and German visitors showing up and infecting America with their customs.

It's safe to say he would hate St. Patrick's Day pub crawls and would be mortified at the influence the Bavarian Menace has had on the republic, successfully sewing German ideas like Kindergarten, Christmas trees and bratwurst into the fabric of America. Over a quarter of the US today carries German or Irish heritage. Ol' Millard would probably scream that he wants his country back.

Fillmore wasn't a big fan of Abe Lincoln either, and that's all you really need to know about his standing in presidential rankings: One of those men's likenesses is featured on two different forms of currency, while the other's namesake lives in Chatsworth and has film credits that include Mustached Copier Repairman #2 and Pantsless Pizza Delivery Man.

THE SITUATIONAL WAGERS: THE CHOP SOOEY, HUNGER GAMES, COLORFUL VETERAN, AUTHOR'S NAMESAKE, TOOTHPASTE

THE CHOP SOOEY: ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS (+15.5) against South Carolina, and it's just been a disastrous year for over half the SEC but shhhhhhh...

THE HUNGER GAMES: TEXAS TECH RED RAIDERS  (-24) against Kansas, because the Jayhawks' coach won't be able to keep himself from looking ahead to the best Sunday pizza buffet Lubbock has to offer.

THE COLORFUL VETERAN: HAWAII RAINBOW WARRIORS (+29) against Boise State, and yeah, it's weird to be in November without anyone slobbering over Boise State. Did I say weird? I meant delightful.

THE AUTHOR'S NAMESAKE: COLORADO STATE RAMS (+3) against UNLV, because with Ohio State on a one-week vacation it's totally acceptable for a scarlet and gray team to get trampled.

THE  TOOTHPASTE: COLGATE RAIDERS (no line) against Lehigh, because Colgate's mascot (Raiders? What?) is the definition of a missed opportunity. #FluorideWarriors #CavityCreeps

LAST WEEK: 1-4  | SEASON: 21-29

THE NOWLEDGE

Last week while Hurricane Sandy was still whipping around in the Caribbean, the local news stations and papers in New Jersey, New York and Connecticut were begging people not to die stupidly in its aftermath.

Flooding, high winds, building failures, tree collapses, airborne projectiles and freak accidents are tragic; not stupid – that wasn't what the talking heads were cautioning. They meant heeding mandatory evacuation orders, staying away from downed power lines and wires and – most stupidly – not running gas-powered generators indoors.

On every single generator sold in America, yet...

It seems like extremely common sense but people die stupidly almost every single time there is a large-scale power failure of significant length. The lights go out for what is predicted to be an extended period of time and within hours the ambient humming of generators keeping the beer cold and TVs blaring until power is restored can be heard in every neighborhood.

In doing so, some people then fatally decide they can't be bothered to keep their FOSSIL FUEL-POWERED COMBUSTION MACHINES outside of their houses. Playing chicken against carbon monoxide is a losing proposition.

Normally the Nowledge is staunchly dedicated to ridicule. This week – as many of my neighbors in NJ still are without flushing toilets or electricity – it's instead committed to preventing readers of The Situational from gaining entry to the illustrious Darwin Awards.

The death threat posed by gas-powered generators is printed on every single one that is sold. It's been included here for your convenience.

Please don't die during a power failure. Do something fun instead (and when you do that fun thing, don't forget to wear protection - Millard Fillmore).

Just remember: Carbon monoxide is like airborne iocane powder and is not to be trifled with. It's like getting involved in a land war in Asia: You would never do that either.

THE BOURBON

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there is typically more than one worthy choice.

Suffering Bastard: When you've suffered enough.

It's November, it's cold and if you're like me or millions of other people who live on the East Coast, you spent the better part of last week watching your house or entire neighborhood take it on the chin from a bitch named Sandy. 

Living amongst downed trees, broken windows and the ambient hum of generators almost makes Ohio State's bye week easier to swallow. Either way, misery is all relative: You're a suffering bastard.

The Suffering Bastard is an ancient and unappreciated elixir once thought to be a hangover cure. Its efficacy is debatable but its tastiness is not. The left guard in this Dave play is Buffalo Trace, whose pungent bouquet taps into the Hendricks gin you're going to mix it with quite well. 

A shot of each is all you need. Add a dash of bitters and ice to your shaker. Pour it all into a glass already half-filled with ginger ale, add lime juice if you prefer your Bastard with tartness and then float the citrus of your choosing as pictured.

A wise bartender once told me that the only way to kill the pain is to kill it dead. This will do the trick, but take caution: The Suffering Bastard follows the Manhattan rule for drink limits - treat them like breasts: One isn't enough, but three is too many.

THE PLAY-OFF

Back to the Future is 26 years old, won an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, spawned a franchise of sequels and was even mentioned by last week's Dead President in his State of the Union address in 1986. You've seen it several times. Everyone has seen it several times.

Also, you actually made it this far into in The Situational which categorically makes you an 11W loyalist and means you already realize that not a week goes by on this site without a BTTF reference (hi Sarah!).

Everyone with a major role in the film either already was or became quite famous: Michael J. Fox, Crispin Glover, Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson, Mary Steenburgen – and even Billy Zane went on to have significant roles in other big movies or television shows.

Well, every actor except one. 

Thomas Wilson, who brilliantly played Biff and then Biff's grandson and great-grandfather in the BTTF sequels never won another role that even began to approach his masterpiece as the menace of Hill Valley. And people who mark him decades after the trilogy was completed haven't forgotten:

It's a catchy song but it is evident that Wilson carries some resentment to being recognized for BTTF and not the several dozen extremely minor roles that he's had since working with Robert Zemeckis and Steven Spielberg.

Hard to blame him, but at least those passers-by are remembering something great that he did. Imagine bumping into JB Shugarts at Chipotle in Columbus in 2037: Hopefully he would demonstrate the same humorous tolerance for annoying questions that have been stale for two decades.

See you next week when the Buckeyes will add rested and ready to undefeated. Just two more, comrades.