Monday Skull Session

*We'll begin this Skull Session as soon as my hands quit shaking from last night's Breaking Bad*

Ok...*wipes brow*...  we're good to go I think. Whew! How about that commercial-spliced 48 minutes of television? (If you're one of those "OMG I READ A VAGUELY WRITTEN SPOILER ON THE INTERNET" people just skip to the next sub-headline; I don't want you having an aneurysm on the remaining shards of my conscience.)

My Gosh... Mr. Lambert has finally cut the dead weight in a life he obviously hated and he's on the prowl with nothing to lose, a new identity and ~$11 million in cash? Talk about living the American dream, man.

What would you do if you were an on-the-lam retired drug kingpin with 11 million dollars in cash? I'm from Marion, so I often fantasize about this very scenario.

After pulling the rip-cord on a crispy clean new identity, I'd go to Canada (authorities always assume you're headed to Mexico) and book the first flight to Cuba. I'd then have my criminal lawyer launder my fortune and wire it to me via a shadowy web of Caribbean and Swiss bank accounts. The story ends in 2018 with Tupac and me on our death beds, sipping Mai Tais via intravenous drip and giving interviews to Portuguese media for our new hit show "HOW I ALMOST GOT AWAY WITH IT." 

A BLACKTIE SOCIAL OF OHIO STATE FOOTBALL ARISTOCRATS. On Friday, I tried to warn everyone only a few more tickets to Eat Too Brutus 20013 were up for the taking, and now they're gone. You're going to have to call your friend who knows a guy — and even that hustler probably won't have a connection. While the boat on Eat Too Brutus has sailed, there's still time to save your future grandkids from further embarrassment in you. 

Enter The Gold Pants Social presented by ELEVEN WARRIORS WORLDCORP LLC. (Full details and ticket pricing can be found HERE. Remember: money is finite but memories are eternal.) What is the scenario of this Friday night primer to Eat Too Brutus and Wisconsin's shellacking in the Shoe? I'm glad you asked, friend.

• All money raised will go directly to buying the Gold Pant charms the Ohio State football team receives for demolishing Michigan. When that happens on November 30th, 2013 — and make no mistake, it's going to happen — you will have directly given to the greater cause of Ohio State football in a %100 kosher way with the NCAA. Amazing, right? 
• Former Buckeyes, including Jim Lachey, Bobby Carpenter, Earle Bruce, Mat Finkes, Mike Tomczak, Craig Krenzel, Big Daddy, John Cooper, Raymont Harris, Jack Park, etc. will all be in attendance.
• It's in the Players' lounge at the Woody Hayes Athletic Center.
• Beer will be provided by Land Grant Brewing Company.
• Delicious food.

Ok, I made that last thing up entirely, but you get the point. It's going to be *in my Pitbull voice* a real good time. #GoBucks

WHY NEWSPAPERS ARE DYING DEAD. Behind technological advances, the way the world works and the loss of revenue generated by the classified section is the fourth reason newspapers are dead: intellectually lazy thinking. This is Al Saracevic, who watched Ohio State trample over California and reduced it to the lowest common denominator by typing:

Call it a draw, with the Buckeyes winning on the field and the Bears winning in life. 

I've typed enough words about the unholy marriage of higher education and big-time athletics, but can we stop pretending having a good football team and a good school are mutually exclusive? Also: not even a sizeable amount of elite football players are criminals.

I'm even willing to handcuff my side of the argument. Take Terrelle Pryor, who probably represents the best and worst of big-time college sports. His career at Ohio State ended in "disgrace"; he was taken by the wallowing Oakland Raiders in the supplemental draft following the vacated Sugar Bowl. In 2011, he signed a four-year deal that included a $586k signing bonus. He's going to make $595,000 this year and he'll assumedly meet his playtime requirements for a $47k bonus. Granted, this is all before paying taxes, agents and the ilk, but I'd say Terrelle Pryor is doing okay for himself. Hell, he probably makes more than Saracevic.

Then there's this tweet:

Does Cal's athletic director know something we don't? Is Leslie Wexner actually the meth kingpin of the Middlewest and Ohio State football merely a front through which to launder his blood money? Cal wouldn't instantly trade Ohio State football teams, coaching staffs and program history? I'm confused.

Cal got rolled by a better team. And yes, Cal has the upper-hand in academics, but that's no insult to Ohio State's. After all, it's possible to be good at both; look at Cal's superior-in-both-fields arch-rival, Stanford.

DEVIN SMITH SK8TED ON 'EM

COLT LYERLA LASHES OUT AT HIS (AND OREGON'S) COACH. Former Vienna Austria quarterback and first-year Oregon frontman Mark Helfrich trained in Chip Kelly's Media Relations Dojo. That is to say he can be quite the bell-end — preferring to bluff, obfuscate and lead the media around due to his ego and not the fact he's the head coach of a multi-billion dollar public institution. (It's worth noting some members in the media are okay with being treated like fresh dog shit on the bottom of a recently-shined dress shoe.)

But it still raised some eyebrows this weekend when Colt Lyerla, former five-star recruit and future NFL player, didn't dress for Saturday's put-down of Tennessee. After the contest, all Helfrich offered was "circumstances" prevented the tight end from dressing, and not Lyerla's week-long sickness. Needless to say, he wasn't pleased with how his coach handled it:

I’m really upset with the way coach Helfrich said that after the game. Really disappointed. I feel hurt about this. I watched a little bit of what he said, then started reading all of it, and ... it was unfair.

Last summer, Lyerla missed nine practices for what the team called "personal issues." What were those issues? Had those issues returned in the lead-up to the Tennessee game? Oregon fans and media were left guessing on both fronts, and this was an unforeseen by-product. This will be an interesting story to watch as the season progresses. (Oregon is #2 in the latest Coaches poll, and Ohio State is #3.)

DON'T BE ASHAMED: OTHERS WATCHED BAMA-TEXAS A&M TOO. I really thought Johnny Football was about to put Alabama to the sword. (He threw a garbage-time, spread-covering touchdown that shifted over 5 million dollars in bets as a parting F-U to his naysayers.) Credit to Nick Saban... his deal with the Devil is still intact, and Alabama will be on cruise-control for the next month. This stat, however, wasn't surprising:

S! E! C! S! E! C!

B1G SAYS WISKY-ASU REFS "MISHANDLED" FINAL SEQUENCE. I'm sure that warms Gary Andersen's heart after this utter debacle:

(The quarterback was undoubtedly down.) After the screw-job was complete, this tweet appeared from somebody who made the karmic decision to marry Bert Beliema, a guy she met at (where else?) a Vegas blackjack table:

This is your daily reminder: LIFE IS A SPOOF.

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