Twitter Reaction: Wooden Turtles All The Way Down

By Johnny Ginter on November 2, 2014 at 8:30 am
Jalin Marshall found the end zone against Illinois.
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In 2007 I was a grad student at Ohio State, watching Beanie Wells destroy entire galaxies with a stiff-arm so terrible that it was later outlawed by a joint session of the United Nations. I also have this pet theory that Jim Tressel understood its unholy power and shelved Beanie for large chunks of the National Championship game that year for the good of the universe, but that's neither here nor there.

The point is, after a guy named Juice ruined the last time that I would ever watch a game in Ohio Stadium as a student, I have used up a really disproportionate amount of mental energy hoping that Ohio State will annihilate Illinois on a fairly regular basis, and since 2007 I have largely not been disappointed! In the years since then, the Buckeyes have outscored Illinois 264-111, never relinquishing possession of the greatest trophy in college football history.

And that's the other reason why I am so heavily invested in Illinois losing: we get to retain a medium-sized wooden turtle. That alone should be adequate motivation to cheer for Ohio State to put the screws to Tim Beckman and Illinois. I like turtles, dammit! I mean, look at this thing!

Look how happy those co-eds are! Can you blame them? They're holding the most beautifully lacquered turtle that these tired eyes have ever set their gaze upon, and we get to keep it. And we get to keep it mostly because Illinois is a garbage team this year.

See? Here's some visual evidence:

And most of this ineptitude can be placed squarely on the shoulders of one Tim Beckman. Frankly I'm a little surprised that he's survived this long, but that's probably a testament to the overall malaise and complacency of Big Ten football than a wily, Tyrion Lannister-esque survival instinct. No amount of trials by combat are going to save Beckman's ass this year, because that fluky looking victory over Minnesota last week is looking like that's as good as it's going to get.

Nope, sorry Vico, I'm not done yet. Beckman parlayed a decent-ish MAC resume into a B1G job, and in the two and a half seasons since then, he's spent his time beating FCS teams and losing to just about everyone else. Illinois is 2-19 in the Big Ten, which would be 0-21 in a conference with any amount of self-respect. This season they're giving up close to 37 points a game, which is impressive considering they've played the likes of Texas State, Western Kentucky, and Youngstown State.

Generally I want to root for an Ohio guy, especially an Ohio guy who used to be an Urban Meyer bro, but if you suck then you suck. This was always destined to be a pretty thorough ass-kicking, and I guess it wasn't that big of a surprise as to who ended up supplying most of the kicks.

The defensive line for the Buckeyes still isn't quite as deep as I'd like to see overall, but the starters are elite as hell. Joey Bosa leads the way, obviously, but the rest of the defense looked on point as well. 14 freaking tackles for loss, many coming off of blown-up screens in the backfield, meant that the Illini got nothing going offensively all night except through some weird formation drawn up by a mute Tibetan hermit.

It's really not that serious, honestly. Having learned the lesson that William Henry Harrison taught us, people started to peace out after halftime to avoid some kind of cold-borne illness spread by damp weather. Cardale Jones came in at halftime and Cardale Jones'd his way toward a pretty decent performance...

...but at that point everyone was just playing out the threat to get inside and get some hot chocolate.

Still, I hope you, the viewer, appreciated our goofy rivalry with a crappy team. Ohio State has now played eight games in the 2014 season, and the grains are rapidly running out of our hourglass. Time is linear and finite, and things that are super sweet are gone just as fast as they come. Beating Illinois is fun because when we win we get a wooden turtle, and beyond that, it's another beautiful night in Ohio Stadium. We don't get enough of those, and any time that you can enjoy a victory (instead of a loss), it'd best to step back and appreciate it.

Of course, there's the little matter of Michigan State. Darron Lee, at least, seems ready.

Let's do it, universe. Bring on Sparty.

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