Accelerate the Hate: Hawai'i

More specifically, you hankered for the sequel ever since the Hokies took the first meeting last September. We've gone through breaking in a new offensive line and J.T. Barrett's first home start and Bear Defense Double Eagle witchcraft ad nauseam for 12 solid months now.

Eight months of buildup, 12 months of buildup, whichever frame you choose - it's over now. Virginia Tech is finished. We have our closure - no more revenge games this season. The players got back to Columbus at 4 a.m. Tuesday, were in class a few hours later and are now preparing for Hawai’i. That's correct - the Buckeyes have to keep playing football games after Virginia Tech.

Ohio State got 237 days to prepare for the Hokies. They'll only have 96 hours for the Rainbow Warriors. DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: ...we aren't sure.

SO CLOSE: Three colors short of a rainbow.

That's because the home opener for the defending national champions comes against a team you know nothing about. You're not sure who Hawai’i’s coach is. You can’t name a single player and neither can I. Wait, is former Buckeye QB Taylor Graham still there? (no) Are they the Rainbows, the Warriors or the Rainbow Warriors? (yes)

Ohio State's second opponent is a mystery, immersed in a riddle, rolled up in a lei, drenched in lava flows (the drink, not literal lava) and wrapped up in the same wet bathing suit you wore all week on the beach. Hawai’i is a urinary tract infection waiting to happen.

Fortunately Americans are exceptionally good at hating things they don’t know or understand - like math and basic grammar - so there’s no reason to give Hawai’i a pass here either. It’s Hawai’i Hate We'ek which means every ounce of misguided hate, frustration and anxiety you carry in sustaining your exhausting and yet wholly unsatisfying life needs to now be directed toward Hawai’i. 

Hawai’i beat Colorado on Saturday thanks in part poor motor skills on the part of the officials. The team got two extra days to prepare for Ohio State, which in island time translates to approximately four months. So it brings all the advantages from freshness to having more time to scheme to being difficult to scheme against, and this is all cause for concern. Maybe.

Ohio State had 237 days to prepare for the Hokies. They'll only get 96 hours for Hawai'i.

Here’s everything we know about Hawai’i football heading into Saturday, which is to say here are all the reasons to hate it:

• Hawai’i became a state in 1959, by far the worst season of Woody Hayes' career. The Buckeyes went 3-5-1, were shut out three times and finished 8th in the Big Ten. What the hell, Woody.
• Hawai’i is America’s most expensive state. It's also inconveniently located in the middle of earth's largest body of water. You cannot get an Uber driver to take you there.
• Rome, Italy, is actually closer to Columbus than Hawai’i is, which makes Hawai’i almost as hard to get to as Blacksburg (anyone who tried driving in and out of that town Monday night appreciates this).
• Poi is really mucus from feral pigs that is jokingly served to tourists as “a traditional Polynesian food staple.” Hawaiians don’t actually eat poi because if given the choice you would rather eat your own boogers.
• Hawaiian Punch was invented in Orange County as an ice cream topping. "Fullerton Punch" doesn't have the same cache.
• The Hawaiian alphabet is only 13 letters long and one of them is really just a grunt. The language uses the same handful of letters repeatedly but is still remarkably effective.
• Ergo, Hawaiian is the Tresselball of languages.
• The entire language was also built on the ancient premise that you can never use too many apostrophes.
• Speaking of abundant apostrophes, former Buckeye tailback Butler By’not’e grew up in St. Louis, which ironically has been known as "the Hawai'i of Missouri" ever since I started typing this sentence.
• Nope, still can't name a single player on Hawai'i's current roster.

It’s a flimsy scouting report that gives the Buckeyes very little to go on schematically which means if Ohio State is going to survive Week 2 against this tropical mystery force it will probably have to be on emotion, which means we’re going to have to learn to hate Hawai’i.

But outside of being America's youngest, most high-maintenance and annoyingly prettiest baby sister - what else is there? How does one truly build up enough animus to hate Hawai'i?

The Haka, which Hawai'i will perform on Saturday.

You can do it. Here's some help:

• Rainbows are intrusive and rudely show up without an invitation, kind of like influenza pandemics and women named Brenda. 
• If rainbows are so special then why can even untalented four-year olds expertly draw them? Because they’re easy. Anything easy ain’t worth a damn.
• Hawai’i isn’t the only place with rainbows. Wherever you are right now has rainbows. Even West Lafayette, America's permanently gray and only active post-apocalyptic carcass town has them. Purdue could change its name to the Rainbowmakers tomorrow and it would be just as accurate.
• Hawai’i is five six hours behind the Eastern time zone. Aside from making sports consumption inconvenient it makes no sense at all. Hawai’i shouldn’t have a timezone because Hawai’i shouldn’t have clocks. The time right now in Hawai’i is who cares. 

You can’t punch a rainbow, but you'd love to. Fortunately Ohio State will get the rare opportunity to do so on four days’ rest against a team that doesn't offer so much as a gold star for the football résumé - and if you still need a reason to hate Hawai'i Saturday, there it is: The Rainbow Warriors are an annoying speed bump the Buckeyes have to slow down and pay attention to in order to get to where they want to go.

Here's to 800 yards of offense Saturday. Go Bucks. Beat the h'e'll out of Hawai'i.