I am a worrier by nature.
Every time I leave my apartment, I will walk approximately 20 feet towards my car before trudging back to the door to make sure I locked it. When I'm forced to fly (which is way too often for a high school teacher of relatively modest means), I have to mentally make peace with the absolute, inescapable fact that there is at least a 40% chance that the plane I'm in will explode in a gigantic fireball. I wash my hands every time after handling my dog's leash, because I saw him pee on it once and I don't want to get transitive pinkeye from my dog's urine.
I've learned to cope with these internalized (and I emphasize, completely rational) fears and worries by: gritting my teeth really hard when I'm nervous, talking in an even louder tone of voice than normal, staring into the void for a couple of hours, and refusing to sleep until it becomes physically impossible to do anything but sleep.
Michigan Week is different. Whatever anxiety that I feel about this Saturday is mixed in with some very strong feelings about Ohio State football being completely kickass. The nervousness is still there, brought about by a 90s childhood where my formative years were spent cursing an unfeeling universe for allowing Tim Biakabutuka to exist, but it's an exquisite panic that I've learned to love as it increases day by day, culminating on Saturday morning as I become more beast than man.
Maybe you're the same way! Maybe on a pleasant Tuesday before The Game you're sitting pretty, but by Friday you're a nervous wreck trying to maintain some semblance of sanity.
Well my friend, you are in luck, because today I am going to help you cope. This is your guide on How to Properly Channel the Exquisite Panic of Michigan Week for Fun and Profit.
WEDNESDAY
By Wednesday of Michigan Week, you've all but exhausted all possible media distractions. You've seen every game replay, watched more Ted Ginn YouTube highlight videos than is really reasonable, and everyone around you is looking for an opportunity to politely tell you that you absolutely have to stop reciting Keith Jackson's greatest hits. You can feel your sanity slipping away, but there's three days left! What the hell can you do?
- Write three letters. One to yourself as an Ohio State fan at the age of 12, one to yourself as an Ohio State fan at the age of 40, and one to yourself as an Ohio State fan at the age of 81. Explain in detail why Michigan sucks, using relevant information that you think you'd need at each of those ages.
- Slowly wean yourself off of highlight reels, game replays, and anything related to Michigan games that have already taken place. You need to be laser focused on the here and now.
- On your vision board, create a collage devoted to your favorite player on the current team. I recommend Tyler Durbin.
THURSDAY
Thanksgiving!
Thursday is easy. It wasn't in the past, but thanks to some good old fashioned American gluttony, you can safely ignore your feelings of dread about the Wolverine secondary for as long as you can maintain a steady flow of food into your mouth. For Thanksgiving, focus on the positive. Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, Urban Meyer, pumpkin pie, J.T. Barrett, Curtis Samuel, stuffing. Also:
- If you're a relatively informed Ohio State fan, your relatives will push you for information about the game. Reveal nothing because incorrect predictions will be used against you at Christmas.
- Political conversations at Thanksgiving are bad and hard to avoid, but statements like "Yeah, but honestly it's kind of boring if Michigan doesn't win every once in a while, right?" will try your soul. Stay strong.
- At some point in the day, you'll wake up groggily from a food nap and wonder about how Speight's injury will change how Schiano and company approach their defensive scheme. Allow yourself a full 15 minutes of breathless speculation before returning to your fifth plate of macaroni and cheese.
FRIDAY
The worst day. Your body has digested the cornucopia of the previous day, and now has directed all of its energy to a kind of manic nervousness. What are the conditions of J.T.'s legs? Is Jim Harbaugh "due?" Is that even a thing? Will Curtis Samuel convince Urban Meyer to let him have the ball on all odd and even numbered plays? How many pick-sixes will be necessary to win the game? Five? Probably, right? What if Mike Weber gets indicted in a sting involving transporting pet skunks across state lines? That'd be terrible! So that means it's going to happen!
Just breathe. Relax. Information is power. Read Eleven Warriors. Re-read Eleven Warriors. We've got some really great things on tap this week, and the best way to combat anxiety and stress is to absorb as much information as possible. If that information leads you to believe that Ohio State might lose on Saturday, ignore it and substitute your own narrative wherein Urban Meyer de-pantses Jim Harbaugh.
SATURDAY
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our Buckeye heads.
In the offseason there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of the Buckeye Battle Cry blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the fanbase;
Stiffen your drinks, summon up the cheers,
Disguise Midwestern nice with hard-favour'd taunts;
And defeat the invading Wolverines.
It's Tuesday. It's going to be a long, long week. But at the end is glory. Soon your snacks and beverages will be in alignment, your lucky jersey worn, and all that nervousness will melt away, to be replaced by a steely-eyed confidence that will sustain you through a fantastic three and a half hours on Saturday. Enjoy it while it lasts.
