Any excuse to hang out in Ohio Stadium is a good excuse. As a student, I once snuck into the south stands during the offseason to... do nothing. I stared into space for about 15 minutes, pretended that there was a game going on, and then bounced. It was the highlight of my day, because unlike most other days, I had spent time in Ohio Stadium.
In other words, there's a magic in that ancient gladiatorial hunk of concrete that can be absorbed through sheer osmosis. For people that can't drop the 500ish bucks that it takes to bring a family to watch a non-conference destruction of the likes of Florida A&M from C deck, the spring game provides maybe the only opportunity for many fans to see the Buckeyes perform in a historic venue. That alone is reason enough to mosey on down to campus tomorrow.
But the spring game is no typical Ohio State Saturday. You might roll into town thinking that as a seasoned veteran of spectating at Ohio State games, you've pretty much got this thing covered. And, well, yeah. You probably do. I mean, this isn't rocket science, you're just going to a football practice.
Still though, you might not be getting your five American dollars worth if you just go ahead and wing it, which is why I'm providing this handy guide for newbies and the experienced alike.
1. PARTY LIKE IT'S A SUNDAY AFTERNOON AND YOU'VE GOT WORK TOMORROW
The spring game is really more of an "outing" than a traditional football-related excuse to get extremely shitty and belligerent. Because it's a game with no opponent (unless you look at it from an existential "man versus self" kind of thing), it lacks a certain rage and urgency that you get from a game against, say, Rutgers or Youngstown State.
In other words, don't be afraid to be chill. This is the football equivalent of innings 3-7 of any Reds game after they've been eliminated from playoff contention, usually sometime in the middle of June. Relax and enjoy it.
2. YOUR CUTE PARKING STRATEGIES ARE USELESS
Every single human being I know that goes to Buckeye football games has "a spot" for parking that they consider to be some kind of Lost City of Zinj that we commoners will never have access to because we're simply just not as clever or industrious as you are.
Well that's all irrelevant, because parking is free around Ohio Stadium for Saturday. The catch is that lots open at six in the morning, but that's a problem easily remedied by just sleeping in your car and hoping that no one steals your rims while you're passed out.
3. KIDS KIDS KIDS KIDS
Kids everywhere. Either you enjoy the atmosphere or you don't. They will be asking dumb questions, squirming in their seats, and generally just getting in the way. And it is great.
Look, if you're a sad, humorless person that doesn't enjoy sight of the next generation of Buckeye fans developing a love for football right in front of you, that's okay. The game will be broadcast live on BTN. But dammit, sometimes a clumsy moppet spilling Diet Coke on your shirt is a price well worth paying to see the light come on in the eyes of children as they watch a third string tight end catch a screen pass and get dropped for a two yard loss.
4. PRETEND LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
This is one of my absolute favorite things to do at the spring game. First, get a good seat. Really good, so that you're surrounded by people that presumably are way more invested in the spring game than they should be. Second, study the absolute crap out of one player on the team. This works best if it's a second or third stringer that maybe 10% of casual fans have ever heard of, and is even more effective if it's a skill player that might account for a touchdown or two.
Third, loudly proclaim said player's virtues for the first half (or until they do something awesome). If and when they astonish all the haters, excepting you of course, smugly look around you and solicit high fives until you get them. If you don't get those high fives, yell at everyone and call them "a dirty bunch of Michigan fans." Then run like hell.
5. NO LACROSSE, NO GUILT
There's no lacrosse before the game this year, so you don't have to pretend that something held you up and you're really mad that you missed their match. Dang it! And I really, really, really like lacrosse, too! Ugh! I'm so upset!
6. BECOME OVERLY INVESTED IN WHATEVER KICKING COMPETITION DEVELOPS
The official release from Ohio State proudly proclaims that there's "no live kicking" on Saturday, which to me is like a toy commercial getting kids excited about batteries not being included, but we all know that Urban is going to shoehorn in some ridiculous kicking event halfway through the spring game.
You are not permitted to become emotionally attached to any part of the spring game except this one event. It is especially fun to watch Meyer get increasingly frustrated as kickers miss makeable field goals from within 40 yards.
7. LOSING THE PLOT
At some point, you will become extremely confused as to both the scoring system and who is actually winning. Don't worry about it too much, because it doesn't matter, but when someone next to you inevitably asks what the score really is, just lie and say "24-13 good guys" and then wink.
8. YOU AND 49 OF YOUR FRIENDS. IT'S LIT.
You get a one dollar discount on a five dollar ticket if you bring 49 other people to come party with you. That is a) hilarious, because it is insane, b) still hilarious, because at least two or three groups of 50 or more are going to take advantage of this, and c) a little sad in a "person who has an obsessively detailed coupon Excel spreadsheet that they update twice a day" kind of way.
There are also 15 dollar box seats, which actually sounds kind of awesome but also flies in the face of the spirit of the thing. Like, you can do that, but you'll lose my respect forever. So, your choice.
9. NO RECORDS IN 2017
Sorry everybody! There's some pretty extensive renovation going on in the eastern part of C deck, so while the weather looks to be pretty tolerable, attendance will likely top out at around 80k if the rest of the place sells out. That's not super impressive given last year's showing of a near-capacity crowd, but compared to the dozen or so people that show up to most spring game around the country, it's not too shabby.
10. THE ART OF LEAVING EARLY
You're going to leave early. I know it, you know it, we all know it. It's okay, it's an Ohio State spring game tradition to get super bored sometime around the second quarter, get increasingly antsy during the third, and then to convince yourself that you've got something important to get to by the start of the fourth.
It happens. Especially if the last four games are any indication (and I'm not even going to get into how absolutely bonkers it is that the entirety of all four spring games from 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016 are on YouTube in their entirety), so don't fret if you want to peace out early. Just know this: at the conclusion of the 2017 spring game, it will be 138 days until Ohio State football is back in action in our beloved stadium. If you can rest easy knowing that you didn't squeeze every last drop of football from the spring into your dry, parched offseason soul, then by all means, leave early.
Just don't complain in early July when I'm writing about what it'd be like if Urban Meyer wrote the Goosebumps series of books.
In any event, that's my guide for tomorrow. You may follow your own inner path to happiness for the Ohio State spring game, but even if you ignore these ten sarcastically worded signposts that I've planted along the way, just repeat to yourself that "It's just a practice, I should really just relax."
See you there.
