The Situational: Come as You Are

Wisconsin scored on four of its first six drives Saturday night, largely by departing from its tendencies and using the element of surprise. Then came halftime.

See if you can diagnose what happened after that:

If Gareon Conley's interception stands (Wisconsin punted after it was taken away) the Badgers have just one drive longer than 5 plays for the entire 2nd half. It seems the Ohio State defense made good use of the intermission.

Now try and figure out for yourself how the halftime adjustments went on the other side of the ball - or you can cheat and have Kyle just show you. Those adjustments also point to a productive halftime chat. How productive? Cameron Johnston could have caught an early flight back to Columbus:

There was that freakish one-play monsoon which happened to coincide with J.T. Barrett's interception where the ball slipped out of his hand and was picked off in the end zone. Otherwise, the Buckeyes scored every time they had the ball in the 2nd half. 

This was a game where a well-coached team took full advantage of a bye week to throw a curve ball that worked for approximately one half. The better team figured it out during the intermission, came back from a double-digit deficit on the road and won the damn game.

Almost as important as not freaking out before halftime? Not gloating. Two years ago the Buckeyes skipped into the Beaver Stadium locker room up 17-0. Akeel Lynch retired from football this week, commemorating the two-year anniversary how that nail-biter concluded when Joey Bosa used him as a projectile to end it in double overtime. 

Madison is never easy and it's rarely comfortable in State College either, let alone in White Out conditions. But that's no excuse to freak out or gloat Saturday. Time to get Situational!

The Conspiracy

You've probably heard the Big Ten openly screws Penn State whenever it plays the Buckeyes, but you're cool with that because woooooooooo go Buckeyes.

The last time the teams met in State College Vonn Bell trapped an interception that should have been ruled incomplete despite him appearing to maintain control. The Buckeyes were also given a couple extra seconds after the playclock expired to kick a field goal, which you might have also thought was okay if you subscribe to the idea that time is a flat circle. Two lousy calls.

They were part of an elaborate, larger plan by Illuminati refs to elevate Ohio State to a victory via questionable early game officiating (still can't figure out how the back judge managed to hold Penn State to 16 yards rushing that evening or miss little things like eye-gouging a quarterback but some mysteries are better left unsolved).

Conspiracy theories do extraordinarily well in State College, and what's fun is we can have this discussion without even bringing up the very bad thing. Here's Joe Paterno 14 years ago this week discussing Penn State's losses over two seasons:

Three of (PSU's losses) were on the road. Three of which were decided by very questionable calls, if you talk about Virginia on the fumble. They were all Big Ten crews. I am not saying they were one way or the other as to good, bad or what, but they were emotional games.

Joe's not saying it's the refs' fault. He was just innocently inserting the officiating into the explanation for his team's losses. But why mince words when you can cut straight to the damn chase:

You try not to be paranoid about (biased officiating) but the same crew that did this game did the umpiring a year ago when we played Michigan. A year ago Michigan got one penalty and this year they got two. So you start to wonder about those things and you look at it.

...

There were some concerns about the assignment of the same crew this year that worked our Michigan game. There were some concerns about the fact that three of them live in Michigan. There were some concerns that some of them said to me that they had met with Dick Honig, who was the guy I had some problems with at the Iowa game, who lives in Ann Arbor...Just re-examine how officials are assigned. It is tough. We are a border state. There are three officials from Pennsylvania in the Big Ten. One of whom played for me, Bob Bassett, who can't get a Penn State game. You want to know why. 

Entire transcript here.

I think I can guess why a man who played for Paterno wasn't assigned to officiate Paterno's games. And since JoePa was openly dancing around the idea of an officiating conspiracy by the Big Ten to undermine his team you can imagine how that might resonate and have lasting effects with the narrow but vocal segment of the Nittany Lion fan base that still worships at the altar of its beloved necro-emperor who in life was on top of everything. Except, you know.

But let's get to the here and now, 14 years later. The two teams meet again Saturday night, and currently Ohio State is dead last in the Big Ten in opponent penalties. Guess which conference team is benefiting the most from officiating in 2016:

Penn State's opponents are getting penalized nearly double and for over twice the yardage as Ohio State's are in 2016, which should put to bed any crazy notion that the Buckeyes are visiting State College this weekend with an officiating adva --

They've set it up perfectly to justify some untimely flags. #B1G #OhioState #PennState https://t.co/bpWNazvIDN pic.twitter.com/ONQELXFlGv

— ChiTownLionPSU (@ChiTownLionPSU) October 11, 2016

It's flawless. The first seven weeks of the college football season were meticulously officiated to justify screwing Penn State this Saturday. You may think referees are inconsistent, older men with failing eyesight and slowed reflexes that often contribute to questionable judgment calls, but that's a thought bubble which only appears over the heads of mammals raised for their wool and tasty gyro meat.

Stay woke, comrades. Ohio State will be playing a little 17-on-11 Saturday night. Again.

The Bourbon

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

White Out: A Seven-Nation Army couldn't hold it back

Your Buckeyes hit the road for an 8pm kickoff this weekend. They'll play in a formidable, imposing stadium that provides a significant home field advantage and to make matters worse, the host team is coming off a bye week with double the time to prepare. Wait didn't we just do this? We did. We're doing it again.

While Camp Randall has a cool light show, early 90s hip-hop and a penchant for making every team it plays look bad, Beaver Stadium has the White Out which looks cool on television and even cooler in person. You're going to need a comforting beverage for this.

The White Out is based on the pub classic Brady's Milk, but we're replacing the Brady's Irish Cream (if you're unfamiliar - Brady's is to MacDowell's what Bailey's is to McDonalds) with Amarula because unlike its two silky Irish counterparts it has a great caramel bouquet that's ripe for a bourbon pairing.

The White Out also replaces Irish whiskey with bourbon, and since we'll be creaming it up you can select the first-shelf budget spirit of your choosing for this. Yes, that giant tanker of Bulleit you bought at Sam's Club or whatever will work fine.

Put the Amarula and the bourbon in a shaker with crushed ice. Brady's calls for Oloroso sherry; I think Manzanilla Pasada is more appropriate due to its nuttiness. If you don't have sherry, skip it. If you do, add it. And congrats for being fancy, guy whose bar has sherry. We are legion.

You'll add in vanilla liqueur - sure, DeKuyper is fine you teenager - and half and half. Now shake the hell out of it before straining it into your glass. If you like a head or extra protein with your viscous drinks you can throw in an egg white.

The White Out will come out - this will shock you - white. Grate some cinnamon on it if you would like to give it some aesthetic. Keep in mind that the longer it takes you to consume your White Out, the more its components will separate (relevant photo above) and bourbon is brown. Amarula is, like, taupe. So don't think that it's going bad - you're just taking your time.

This is a cool, relaxing and delicious drink that packs some calories, so make sure you're counting how many you consume while you're irresponsibly panicking or gloating over whatever happens during the 1st half in Happy Valley.

The Playoff

Aberdeen, Washington: Where you're greeted by a slogan lifted from the Nirvana song written by Aberdeen's favorite son, Kurt Cobain. Believe it or not that song has now been around for 24 years. READERS WHO ARE MY AGE: I'll pause while you cry softly in your mediocre office.

Like all classics it's been remade up and down the genre palette. There's a reggae version, an Elvis impersonator version, an erotica version (NSFW), a slowed-down version, a punk version, a folksy version and even a Polish Trap version. There are more, but in lieu of listing them here let's just get to the point: They're all excruciatingly bad. Every single one. 

This has fascinated me for some time and I've done a decent amount of research on it and cannot find another song - ever - that's been covered so often and simultaneously so poorly as Come As You Are. If Cobain hadn't been cremated he would be spinning in his grave.

The only respectful homage I've ever been able to find is pictured above. Aberdeen didn't make a shitty cover. It just made a sign. This is the best kind of tribute.

Go Bucks. Enjoy your White Out, responsibly.