Wisconsin, more commonly known as "Chicago's National Park," is on the docket today, folks.
It's a team traditionally as intimidating as an accountant in a prison riot. (Sorry, Rick, the SWAT team won't suppress this banger in time to tend to that neck wound. Oh, and your kids call me Daddy now.)
Somebody could wake up out of a 20-year coma and instantly identify the Badgers. They use the I-formation and are quarterbacked by a former three-star "pro-style" prospect who is as bland as he is immobile. They try to run the ball behind a line of large adult sons.
Their defense is a sentient Pro Football Talk comment about lunch pails.
And all their male fans under 40 look like this:
@marion_ohio I wonder if DJ MAHLZ will be spinnin for the game this Saturday pic.twitter.com/cMuwj0Yvw1
— Brett Gates (@BrettGates) October 14, 2016
See No. 9? He's Wisconsin's all-time passing yards leader.
The disc monkey is JJ Watt's little brother. I wish I were making those two things up.
I love Camp Randall because it housed one of my favorite sports memories. Back in 2008, I attended the Wisconsin game with a friend. Two Ohio State fans sat down next to us. The closest one immediately dumped a fifth of Jack Daniels into his extra large Coca Cola.
What unfolded was one of those bangers Wisconsin summons every couple of years. Tied 10-10 entering the fourth quarter, its fans felt they were sitting pretty.
In the middle of Jump Around, the state's yearly allotted exercise time, a Wisconsin heckler (using the word "heckler" loosely—this dude was as original and offensive as a child's first birthday party) decided to taunt Ohio State fans for being from Ohio.
The Man I Only Know as Socrates leans over and shouts, "SCOREBOARD, ASSHOLE!"
This befuddled the Bert disciple. "It's a tie game," he pointed out, unaware he trigged the trap.
"Zackly! You're going to lose!" Socrates thundered as legions of Badgers fans jumped around. "We're a fourth quarter team! You're a first-half team!"
Thankfully, the video outlived the glorious BlackBerry era. (Audio for first couple of seconds got cut out when I trimmed the video.)
What happened next? Terrelle Pryor and Beanie Wells got busy and the Buckeyes rolled out of Madison by a #JimTresselFieldGoal.
Afterwards, a Wisconsin fan consoled his desolated mediocre son with, "Don't worry, son, it's only a game."
And that right there is the ethos of the Badgers program. Only a game!? They don't want national glory. They wouldn't know what to do if they got it. Two losses and an Outback Bowl win that triggers a free Bloomin' Onion promotion is all it takes to satisfy these people.
And that's why the local team is winning the big game tonight.
Today's slate is headlined by Alabama cratering Tennessee in Knoxville. I look forward to see how Lane Kiffin decides to troll the institution that gave him his first collegiate head coaching gig and paid him millions of dollars.
| TIME (ET) | GAME | FAVORITE | TELEVISION |
|---|---|---|---|
| 12:00 | NORTH CAROLINA STATE at No. 3 CLEMSON | CLEM (-18) | ABC |
| 12:00 | KANSAS STATE at No. 19 OKLAHOMA | OU (-13) | ESPN |
| 12:00 | No. 20 WEST VIRGINIA at TEXAS TECH | WVU (-1) | FS1 |
| 3:30 | WAKE FOREST at No. 14 FLORIDA STATE | FSU (-20½) | ESPN |
| 3:30 | No. 24 WESTERN MICHIGAN at AKRON | WMU (-12) | CBSSN |
| 3:30 | KANSAS at No. 11 BAYLOR | BU (-35) | FS1 |
| 3:30 | No. 1 ALABAMA at No. 9 TENNESSEE | BAMA (-13) | CBS |
| 3:30 | No. 10 NEBRASKA at INDIANA | CORN (-3½) | ABC/ESPN2 |
| 3:30 | NORTH CAROLINA at No. 16 MIAMI | UM (-6½) | ESPN2/ABC |
| 3:45 | No. 17 VIRGINIA TECH at SYRACUSE | TECH (-20) | ESPNU |
| 4:00 | MISSOURI at No. 18 FLORIDA | UF (-13½) | SECN |
| 7:00 | No. 12 MISSISSIPPI at No. 22 ARKANSAS | MISS (-7) | ESPN |
| 7:00 | TULSA at No. 13 HOUSTON | UH (-21) | ESPN2 |
| 7:30 | STANFORD at NOTRE DAME | STAN (-3) | NBC |
| 10:15 | COLORADO STATE at No. 15 BOISE STATE | BSU (-28½) | ESPN2 |
Indiana dumping Nebraska. Please only remember this prediction if I am right.
Bert matching wits with a Mississippian named Hugh will makes a suitable "between commercial breaks" hustle, too.
THE BADGER DOSSIER. Here's everything you need to know about today's cheese aficionados:
Be sure to follow @11W, @EricSeger33, @TimShoemaker and @AndrewMLind for up-to-the-minute dispatches from Camp Randall.
Also be sure to follow @Edge11W, who makes dope graphics like the one headlining this internet column.
#PERTINENTWIRE. A belated happy 70th birthday to Mike in Bay Village. Today's #PERTINENTWIRE features his favorite Wire character, the infamous Omar Little, getting the drop on Brother Mouzone, a legendary hitman.
Doubt Urban Meyer will extend Paul Chryst the courtesy of calling an ambulance with Penn State lurking next week (and coming off a bye).
SCORE PREDICTION: 27-10, local team.
THOSE WMDs. Mining the ocean bottom... My friend Sam... Generation Adderall... Don't fall victim to domain name hijacking... Notes on the narrative conundrum of baseball fandom.
