I will fully admit that when I had the idea for this post, I did not expect it to stretch into two weeks. I greatly underestimated to extent to which the Big Ten is willing to place arbitrary importance on hideous chunks of wood, literal spittoons, and buckets (which I assume double in function as spittoons in a pinch).
But I'm not angry! Far from it, in fact. The idea of the Big Ten having so many rivalry games with trophies is a unique one, and God knows that we'll take what we can get in that department in Big Ten football right now. So what if they're reminders of a bygone age where the Big Ten was actually relevant on the college scene, and what a Minnesota or Iowa did actually mattered on a national level? They're goofy and weird and that's awesome.
This week we have both the best and the worst of Big Ten trophies. Although that's a bit of a misnomer, because in some ways the worst is kind of the best for the sheer Escher-esque insanity of it. Either way, we're headed toward weird country.
Heartland Trophy- Iowa/Wisconsin
The Heartland Trophy is a brass bull for some reason that was introduced in 2004. I'm sure there's some kind of weird symbolism here, but let's be honest: this should be a giant plate of steaming corn with a sexy pad of butter on top. The winners should be allowed to gleefully eat the entire plate of corn in front of the losing team, who is forced to watch as tears roll down their rosy cheeks.
Afterwards the Secretary of the Interior solemnly reads the last chapter of My Antonia.
The Land Grant Trophy- Michigan State/Penn State
YES finally, the Lovecraftian horror that is the Land Grant Trophy. A ridiculous hunk of wood and metal figurines, the Land Grant Trophy was introduced in 1993 when Penn State joined the conference. The trophy was designed by former Sparty head coach George Perles, who sadly went blind in 1987, which fortunately did not prevent him from submitting his idea for a trophy.
Actually, I'm not sure. He's probably not blind. It's probably more like that situation in the Simpsons where Homer enters a design contest meant for children, and ends up winning anyway.
Paul Bunyan Trophy- Michigan/Michigan State
Cue "O Fortuna"Ah yes, only the second most phallic of the Big Ten trophies. First used in the 1950s, I'm fairly sure this was part of a subversive attempt by beat writers to screw with Midwestern yokels. It doesn't work if we don't get the joke, guys.
The Little Brown Jug- Michigan/Minnesota
A personal favorite. The Little Brown Jug is the oldest Big Ten trophy, and one of the oldest sports trophies period in the United States.
Basically the story goes like this: Fielding Yost wanted something to keep water in for his team, because he was legitimately afraid that Minnesota fans would try and put strychnine or something in their water. Minnesota ended up tying that game in 1903, and in the celebration/riot that ensued, the jug got lost and Minnesota got possession of it. Now a similar jug has exchanged hands for the past billion years, and Michigan fans have some real motivation to field a good football team.
Governor's Victory Bell- Minnesota/Penn State
Another 1993 "welcome to the Big Ten, here's your weird rivalry trophy" for Penn State. It's pretty meh, and also apparently structurally unsound. Good job, Goldy.
Paul Bunyan's Axe- Wisconsin/Minnesota
For a while I kind of appreciated Paul Bunyan's Axe. It's a huge freaking axe!
But then I found out that the original trophy for this game was at one point a giant slab of bacon, and now I am much less enamored with an essentially useless axe from a fictional giant man who demanded vast quantities of flapjacks. This is the internet, dammit. Bacon rules all.
And that wraps it up! In all seriousness, this is a pretty hilarious and awesome aspect of Midwestern culture, and it's nice that despite the general crappiness of Big Ten football, we can still enjoy beating the piss out of our neighbors with the fierce determination that comes from lusting after a brass spittoon or a wooden turtle or whatever weird thing someone found at a flea market once.
