Earlier this week, Nick Saban and the Crimson Tide extended an offer to a can't miss linebacker prospect by the name of Jesus Machado, who also happens to be in eighth grade.
That may seem odd to you. You might even attempt to describe such an offer as "irresponsible" or "premature" or "shitballs crazy." And I get that impulse, but to understand this offer you need to also understand that Machado is no ordinary eighth grader. For one, he's six feet tall and 195 pounds, which of course implies that because he's physically an adult, he's also mentally, socially, and emotionally capable of making adult decisions about his distant future. Secondly,
The Crimson Tide aren't the only ones interested in Machado, a 6-foot, 195-pound defensive prospect from Hialeah (Florida) Champagnat Catholic School. In addition to his new Alabama offer, Machado also has verbal offers from Iowa State, Michigan State, NC State and West Virginia.
So don't treat this like some kind of "Nick Saban is an insane person" thing; if Saban's crazy or being irresponsible in offering a scholarship to a middle schooler, well hell, that implies that at least four other schools are prioritizing a recruiting angle over the well being of a child.
Additionally, it's not like middle schoolers haven't been offered before. Lane Kiffin, Saban's current offensive coordinator, famously offered quarterback a scholarship to USC to David Sills in 2010 when he was just 13 years old. Sills went on to become a kinda-sorta wide receiver for West Virginia, so that was clearly a good call on the part of the former USC head coach.
Currently Scout.com lists 24 football prospects graduating in 2020 that it's following nationally, none of which have expressed any interest in Ohio State. That's 24 missed opportunities to woo kids who just entered the Dog With A Blog demographic, and if Urban Meyer wants to keep his job in the face of a popular uprising among Ohio State fans due to his lack of recruiting prowess, he'll start taking the Cartoon Network set a little more seriously.
Luckily, I've already done some research for him. The following are three can't miss prospects, each younger and therefore more valuable than the last.
APPROXIMATELY FIFTY THOUSAND KIDS WITH OVERLY ZEALOUS PARENTS ON YOUTUBE
YouTube is a great way to find hidden football talent, and it is an equally great way for parents to attract an absolutely not creepy in any way amount of attention for their precocious children. It's also an excellent opportunity for their neighbors to start that film production company they've always wanted by firing up their bootlegged copy of Final Cut Pro and splicing together some sped-up highlights of second graders giving each other concussions.
Approximately Fifty Thousand Kids With Overly Zealous Parents On YouTube would be a feather in the cap for Urban, not just to prove that he can recruit even the most vulnerable Approximately Fifty Thousand Kids With Overly Zealous Parents On YouTube, but also prove that it isn't exploitative or weird or concerning at all that some of the videos that feature Approximately Fifty Thousand Kids With Overly Zealous Parents On YouTube have literally millions of views.
Best Recruiting Tactic
Indulge in Approximately Fifty Thousand Kids With Overly Zealous Parents On YouTube's deepest desires, which means a week of possibly being treated like a normal kid for the athlete, and a chance to appear in a 17 second video on ESPN Insider for the parent.
THIS CUTE BABY IN A DREW BREES JERSEY
Okay, yes, this is a baby, and yes, she's a girl. But frankly, who knows what football will look like in 18 years? Maybe women will be commonplace! Maybe the two-handed side throw is the wave of the future! You don't know, and neither do I, but you know who also doesn't know? Nick Saban.
If Meyer gets a solid verbal from this kid, it opens up a whole new recruiting arena that Saban doesn't yet have a foothold in, and makes Jim Harbaugh sweat it out a little bit as boosters everywhere start stocking up on Similac and pacifiers. Meyer, of course, will have already begun setting up summer camps at Lamaze classes across the country.
Best Recruiting Tactic
Juice and a nap-nap.
PUPPIES!
Before Air Bud was a Golden Receiver, he was a puppy prodigy on the mean streets of the Bronx. Eating out of trashcans, taking abuse from his irresponsible clown owner, Air Bud showcased some serious skills from day one.
Much is the same with these fierce puppy competitors. Yes, in time they will have to learn that it's not appropriate to defecate directly on the field and that having four legs means it's twice as easy to get them down on the ground, but their inherent adorableness and instinct for the ball should serve them well, particularly on the defensive side of the ball.
Best Recruiting Tactic
Positive reinforcement and a pad to catch stray urine. The former may prove difficult for many college coaches.
As the old adage goes, "if you aren't getting better, you're getting worse," and no where is this more true than in the crazy world of college football recruiting. It's a never ending game of keeping up with the Joneses, and coupled with the stress of relying on the whims of teenagers for the future health of your program, it's easy to see why coaches would go after kids who are much more easily impressionable/impressed by a major college coach showing up at their school and shaking their hand.
So Urban has two choices: continue to dominate recruiting in the here and now as he walks an ever-thinning line between morality and immorality, or, if he's smart, follow Saban's example and just be as slimy and gross as possible without worrying too much about what boosters and hangers-on might be doing on your behalf.
Either way, as long as they can guarantee fifteen seconds of fame, Meyer and the rest of college football's coaches can rest easy that they've done right by often poor, misinformed children who are now being groomed for do-or-die athletic success almost before they can read.
