Okay, so you've opened all the presents, consumed more nog of various varieties than is medically recommended, and have been so feted with cheeses and meats that you've become a rotund, greasy humanoid orb that wants nothing more than to sit in front of a television and stare into space until you can feel human emotions again.
Perfect. You are now the ultimate fodder for the college football industrial complex, and they have you right where they want you.
Because next week is the week of kings, my friends. No less than 23 college football bowl games will be played from Monday through Saturday, and eight of them might actually be worth watching! For a solid week you will be bombarded with the finest that the sporting world has to offer, until you are bruised and aching but content in knowing that you made it to the approximate end of a grueling season.
My educational and professional background does not lend itself to figures, but I tried to do the math here: 23 games represents approximately 80.5 total hours of college football, or about the same amount of time that would take you to walk from Ohio Stadium to the Cleveland suburbs and back.
Of course, some of those games happen concurrently, which means unless you do some creative DVRing, you're really only looking at around 64.5 hours of college football. Ish. And of those 64.5 hours of football games, only 17 of said games will involve ranked teams, although the presence of seven Big Ten teams may help buoy your spirits a bit.
What this all comes down to is your personal level of excitement/tolerance for some awkwardly sponsored exhibition games, and to help you make some life decisions, I've decided to create a scale that should make it easier to determine just exactly how much of your sanity is left. I've based it on how many games that you're planning to watch in the coming week, and we'll start with the obvious.
Here's how the 11W crew will watch.
1 GAME: MAKE IT COUNT
Fiesta Bowl or nothing, brother.
Also, if you really do go that far I'll be fairly impressed, since Ohio State's Fiesta Bowl matchup with Clemson is literally the 23rd out of 23 games this week.
2-5 GAMES: A GENTLEMANLY CONNOISSEUR
You are a picky eater, indeed. The Fiesta Bowl meets your exacting standards, but little else does. Oh sure, the Peach Bowl with Alabama and Washington is on the list, but beyond that... Michigan in the Arizona Bowl? Fine, if we must. LSU and Louisville in the Citrus Bowl?
Only if there's time, Jeeves. Only if there's time.
6-10 GAMES: JIM DELANY'S BEST FRIEND
If you're watching up to 10 games I have to assume it's because you're going all in on the Big Ten this year and want to finally have the cache to rub the success of the conference in the face of that one Vanderbilt alum at work. Which is lame, don't do that.
Secondly, you are immediately going to regret this decision because the first Big Ten bowl game is Maryland versus Boston College, which takes place in something called the Quick Lane Bowl in Detroit.
11-15 GAMES: PLEASE PUT ON SOME PANTS, DAD
While I think this is the point at which bowl watching becomes really obsessive, I will admit that there are some hidden gems this week that should be pretty fun to watch. For instance, I have a pretty strong bandwagon love for Colorado, mostly based on their mascot and old uniforms (their new unis are pretty bad), so watching their matchup versus Oklahoma State in the Alamo Bowl might be fun.
Also I might turn on the Cactus Bowl between Boise State and Baylor to see if a drunk Art Briles runs out on the field and drops trou or something.
16 GAMES OR MORE: IT BEGINS
The Camping World Independence Bowl is not worth losing your dignity over.
However you plan to watch this coming week, we here at Eleven Warriors hope that you have a safe and happy holidays!
