At the time it was released in 1963, Cleopatra was the most expensive film ever made. Costing somewhere north of 44 million dollars or around 300 million today, it starred Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton (who were making out on the side when not dramatically throwing empty bottles of sherry at each other), was four freaking hours long, and aside from one or two legitimately mindblowing sequences, it generally sucked ass.
Watching it today, as I unfortunately have, you start to wonder why the hell anyone bothered. The amount of time, money, and effort that went into making the movie had to have outweighed whatever benefit that came from hoping the general public would be super stoked to watch hours of people in togas complaining about each other.
Cleopatra ended up being the highest-grossing movie of the year, making back more than its budget. But it also almost bankrupted Twentieth Century-Fox and killed the sword and sandals genre for a hot minute.
Jim Harbaugh has made approximately the same amount of money on his current contract as it cost to produce Cleopatra, and whenever I watch a Michigan game I can't help but think that it's pretty much the same thing: not the torrid love affair with Richard Burton, but a massive waste of time and resources that could be better allocated pretty much anywhere.
THREAT LEVEL
Yes, Michigan staged a comeback and beat Rutgers on Saturday. Congrats to the Wolverines, who, with a massive athletic department fluh-huuuusshhh with caassshhh, resources, and one of the highest paid coaches in any sport on the planet, managed to barely beat Greg Schiano and a team pieced together with chicken wire and bits of string.
No, I will not give them credit for or be impressed by this win, but Michigan does get partial credit for being Not Boring by staging a successful comeback, pulling their starting quarterback and having it actually pay off, and winning in three overtimes. If Michigan was good, or Rutgers was good, a 48-42 almost-thriller might you know, mean something. Instead it's mostly just a goofy signpost on the road leading toward Jim Harbaugh's inevitable firing.
But hey, like I said: partial credit! Pulling Joe Milton and putting in Cade McNamara at quarterback paid immediate dividends; McNamara carpet-bombed the Scarlet Knights, going 27/36 for 260 yards and four touchdowns. He wasn't asked to do anything particularly complicated but he also completed more than half his passes, which is not a distinction that Joe Milton could claim. It's entirely possible that McNamara plays like absolute butt against Penn State next week, but for now he's apparently a competent enough quarterback (to beat Rutgers).
I will add that one of the most befuddling thing about the Threat Level experience is watching Michigan fans try and pretend that their running game is even mediocre, let alone consistently functional. Many moons ago 11W did something of an exchange program with MGoBlog, and Ace spent an inordinate amount of time trying to convince me that Fitz Toussaint was the running back of the future. What I'm saying is that Michigan fans getting excited over extremely average dudes who rush for 4.5 yards per carry is nothing new. Hassan Haskins and Zach Charbonnet are just part of a long line that stretches back to Mike Hart and beyond.
The Michigan defense remains a tire fire, but now it's a tire fire with mounting injuries to players it can't replace. Kwity Paye, Aidan Hutchinson, and Cam McGrone were the best players on that side of the ball, but astute learners of the English language will note that the word "were" is past tense. They are now out for uhhhhh let's say forever I guess because Michigan doesn't release that kind of information. This is what Harbaugh said about their various maladies:
“We have some updates. Nothing to release at this time.”
Oh neat! Well in the meantime Rutgers had almost 500 yards of total offense against Wolverine backups and walk-ons who are now starters and walk-ons, and that included nearly 300 yards passing.
No one scored in the first overtime, and Rutgers could've won the damn thing if not for an errant field goal. Then the arc of history bent towards trite predictability, as it often does, and Jim Harbaugh saved his job by beating a 1-3 team on the road. In a few days they will host an 0-5 team at home, attempt to get to .500, and if successful, pretend like any of it means anything.
In a normal year, we'd be anxiously fretting about Hate Week right about now. Instead, Ohio State has its mind on Illibuck and frankly this season I'm okay with the trade. The Threat Level is LOW.
