"What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong...
And nothing you do seems very right?"
That's a Mr. Rogers original, folks, and after that first verse the man who comprises one of only two truly pure human beings this country has ever produced (Dolly Parton being the other) suggests that you take out your frustrations on a pillow or some clay and then deal with your emotions in a productive manner.
Michigan lost to Michigan State last week, exposing a number of weaknesses and deficiencies that weren't so much hidden as "happily ignored" so as long as the Wolverines were winning. The response? Go back to formula, and stomp, stomp, stomp on a hapless Indiana team 29-7 in a game that definitely wasn't even that close.
It sure was boring, though! For a second I foolishly thought that Indiana might trick play themselves into a competitive game but nope: the Wolverines just sat on the chest of the Hoosiers for the entire second half and played snicker-snag until they cried uncle.
THE OFFENSE
Cade McNamara turned back into a pumpkin after throwing for a bajillion yards last week. He did have one 50 yard bomb to Cornelius Johnson long after the game was all but decided, and it's telling that those 50 yards accounted for literally almost a third of his total yardage. As is tradition, Harbaugh awkwardly inserted J.J. McCarthy at random intervals to let him look kind of bad, drive for a field goal, and throw an interception. At the Harbaugh house this is called "elite quarterback development."
Hassan Haskins shouldered almost the entirety of the rushing attack because Blake Corum got hurt early (he's probably fine, although the other 30 dudes who also got hurt are in various states of disrepair), and ended up with a pretty great 168 yards on 27 carries. 62 of those yards came on a little zone play that he broke for a huge gain, and the rest were basically just him running into a wall for an hour.
Michigan probably could've had close to 40 in this game but their struggles in the Red Zone held them back, an affliction which Ohio State fans have no experience with whatsoever.
THE DEFENSE
Indiana has got to be on what, their fifth string quarterback at this point? Donaven McCulley tried his best, but the problem is that his best is in fact kind of bad. He was 10 for 24 and 88 yards, but didn't throw an interception so, you know... small victories.
The Michigan defensive line was in his face all game. Taylor Upshaw and David Ojabo both had sacks, with the latter also involving a strip and making Threat Level a PG-13 affair. Which again meant that the defensive secondary basically had nothing to do as the Hoosier rushing "attack" reenacted the Battle of the Somme for three and a half hours. 35 attempts for 107 yards seems less than ideal, but what do I know?
Essentially, the Wolverine defense was free to tee off on an offense that clearly just wanted to pack it in and go home, and Michigan was happy to oblige.
DEEP BLUE SEA (1999)
If the best disaster movies are the ones that deliver on their premise, then Deep Blue Sea is the platonic ideal of what a disaster movie should be. It has an insane concept (scientists make sharks super-smart to study their brains in an effort to beat Alzheimer's and they predictably go rogue) and fully understands that basically everyone in the movie needs to eventually get eaten. Yeah, everyone remembers the Samuel L. Jackson scene, but that's just the best of several quality chomp-based jumpscares that Deep Blue Sea has to offer. Also LL Cool J plays a cook who quotes the Bible constantly and has a parrot, a character that just absolutely takes a dump on anything Herman Melville ever came up with.
Anyway, even though the humans get dumber in tandem with the sharks getting more intelligent, I am sad to report that the humans do win. But not before like ten people and a small bird get eaten in increasingly contrived and fun ways.
THREAT LEVEL
Nightmares of darkness
My appetite is heartless
Even if we related, you eliminated regardless
In the deep blue, underwater walls
Half man, half shark
My jaws don't fall
My Threat Level is GUARDED, because the potentially scary part of Michigan isn't what we saw on Saturday against Indiana, it's what they might be capable of if they ever bothered to to put together a complete game. Jury's still out as to whether that'll happen, but they've got a chance against an extremely cursed Penn State team next week.
