It turns out that Michigan defensive coordinator Don "Wink" Martindale and I have a lot in common!
Both of us are from southwestern Ohio, both of us spent some time delivering auto parts, and both of us have a long-simmering hatred of the stretch of I-75 between Dayton and Detroit; a 200 mile exercise of absolute tedium designed to make the human mind question multiple times per hour how bad it'd be, really, if you drove your car directly into a ravine.
Right out of college, Martindale hauled brake parts every day from Dayton, Ohio, to Detroit, a grueling 6.5-hour drive round-trip.
“I hated every day of it,” Martindale said. “It was the worst ever. I’m getting ready to throw up just thinking about it.”
Having driven that exact route many, many times myself, I can verify that it completely sucks ass and under no circumstances could someone pay me enough money to do that every single day. Two weeks of that and one day I'd just keep driving into the wilds of Canada and never come back. Instead Martindale just quit and became a football coach. Now, several decades later, Michigan fans are mad at him for turning their vaunted defense into a blitz-addicted college football version of watching mice playing with ping-pong balls.
But I am begging for some compassion here: Martindale is a damaged man! Every defensive play where a blitz isn't called nudges his brain just a little closer to the part of that daily drive, somewhere near Ada, where your sleep paralysis demons start to manifest as road signs for Marathon gas stations and you order five Big Beef and Cheddars from the nearest Arby's just to feel alive.
I get it, Wink. I really do. But you're safe now. It's time to consider Cover 4.
MICHIGAN GOT HELLA BEAT BY TEXAS
Many people (me, my mom) have posited that Threat Level is the premiere place for Michigan football analysis, and they are correct; for every ten thousand bad jokes, there are one or two accurate predictions. This is, on the whole, a better record of accuracy than most other sources of Michigan football information.
I fully expected Michigan to get blown out by Texas (which, again, they did 31-12) because Michigan has a bad offense and a very good but very thin defense that no longer has the luxury of being on the sidelines for incredibly long stretches of gametime.
Quinn Ewers on facing Wink Martindale: "We knew that coming into this game, their [DC] likes to blitz and likes to kind of, I guess, win games with his calls. So for us to come out and do what we did and kind of fight fire with fire, in an essence, it felt good for sure." #Texas
— Michael Cohen (@Michael_Cohen13) September 7, 2024
So what happened against Texas? The offense was bad (quarterback Davis Warren 22/33 for just 204 yards and one garbage time touchdown versus two interceptions, 23 carries as a team for just 80 yards), and the defense was gassed after just a couple of series. Martindale continues to call the defense as if he was still on the Ravens, gambling on individual matchups that Texas coach and playcaller Steve Sarkisian quickly exploited every time Martindale was forced to take out one of his starters for fear of their lungs exploding into a shower of confetti.
What's wild to me is that Texas did this by barely bothering to develop either their running game or their deep passing game. Texas QB Quinn Ewers played extremely well, but his passes were generally short, quick little curls and screens for 5-7 yards that befuddled Wolverine safeties and linebackers the entire game. Tight end Gunnar Helm in particular absolutely killed the middle of the Michigan defense all afternoon. Now imagine Emeka Egbuka running the same routes.
This was over by halftime, and Sark could've easily dropped 50 had he not shut down the offense. That he didn't is a fireable offense but I'll let it slide this time.
CAN MICHIGAN PLAY OFFENSE?
No.
NO SERIOUSLY, CAN MICHIGAN PLAY OFFENSE?
I dunno, maybe in theory. Running back Donovan Edwards was trying to make things happen but missed several obvious running lanes, limiting his own effectiveness by running into his own blockers on multiple occasions. I've seen Michigan fans complain about Kalel Mullings not getting carries, but uh, he did! He had 6 carries for 25 yards. That's not awful, but he was the worst of the three Wolverine running backs that got a handoff.
People need to talk more about how poor the wide receivers are, though. The offensive line is fine. They're bad, but reliably bad, so that's fine. Davis Warren can throw to tight end Colston Loveland with reasonable consistency, even if that's literally all you can expect from him. Sherrone Moore can probably find one guy to get four yards per carry depending on the game. These are known, crappy, quantities.
But the wide receivers are giving Michigan pretty much nothing. There isn't a defense on the planet worried about Semaj Morgan and Tyler Morris right now, and Texas eventually just started pretending they weren't even on the field. That's backbreaking, because opposing safeties and linebackers can focus on literally two guys on the Wolverine offense on any given play.
The one successful drive by Michigan in the first half was facilitated by a fluke 22 yard pass to a senior wideout named C.J. Charleston who has literally one catch ever in college. That one.
ARKANSAS STATE HAS A CHANCE THIS WEEK
Naw, just kidding. Michigan is going to win, but they need to focus on becoming a team that runs the shit out of the ball in creative ways (even if the goal is to extend drives rather than score touchdowns), rather than a team that thinks that passing 30+ times to one All-American and a bunch of lemmings should be a part of their identity.
I'm keeping the Threat Level at GUARDED, because things can still definitely get worse for the Wolverines. Which, you know... I hope they do!
