Once upon a time, in a small pond in the woods, there was a big fish and a little fish.
The big fish had many friends. They had lots of fun doing fishy things like swimming through the weeds, playing among the rocks, and winning football games while brazenly committing multiple NCAA violations.
Then one day, the big fish finally hopped out of their pond and into the NFL. "Come along, friends! It'll be a grand adventure!" he shouted, as he waved his fins excitedly. Everyone began to jump and swim to the side of the big fish, and little fish wound up his tail to follow. "Woah! Not so fast, my tiny acquaintance! We need you to stay here, to uh... win another national title! Or whatever, just go out there and try not to embarrass yourself. The defense should be good, right? Just hire a paunchy NFL guy to coach them and it'll be fine probably. Um. See ya!"
And with that, the big fish swam away with his defensive coordinator, defensive backs coach, defensive line coach (and recruiting coordinator), linebackers coach, special teams coordinator, and strength and conditioning coach. Also some other player management personnel and probably the cash register. Also like half the football team.
The little fish waved goodbye and looked around the once lively pond, now dark and cold and quiet, and thought to himself "Hell yeah. Now I just need somebody to tell me what a quarterback does and we're set."
WHAT DOES A QUARTERBACK DO, ACTUALLY?
The Michigan Wolverines lost in hilarious fashion to the Washington Huskies 27-17, in a game where Sherrone Moore made one really smart and gutsy decision that was necessitated by many really really dumb decisions in the offseason leading up to it.
Pulling Alex Orji and replacing him with seventh-year senior (yes, really) Jack Tuttle at quarterback was the right move. Washington took a two touchdown lead early in the game and had completely abandoned all pretense of caring about Michigan's ability to throw a forward pass. After Orji was benched, Tuttle promptly led the Wolverines to 17 unanswered points and the lead.
This lasted until his wheels started to fall off in a fourth quarter in which he had two costly turnovers, including this interception which was caused by Tuttle staring down tight end Colston Loveland like I stare down a Philly cheesesteak:
WASHINGTON PICKS IT
— Big Ten Football (@B1Gfootball) October 6, 2024
What a great play by Kamren Fabiculanan for @UW_Football #B1GFootball on NBC pic.twitter.com/Ece3BrTJwh
Still, if the goal of a quarterback is to complete passes, Tuttle (or Davis Warren, for that matter) are clearly better choices than Alex Orji ever was. But if the goal of a quarterback is to help your team win football games, then Sherrone Moore is out of options. Other than maybe traveling back in time and spending the offseason taking more than a cursory glance at the transfer portal.
IS THERE AN OPPOSITE OF "HAPPY LEARNED HOW TO PUTT"?
With all that said and as weird as it sounds, the offense isn't what Michigan fans should be worried about.
The Wolverines gave up 429 yards of offense and allowed a Huskies team that couldn't score 20 points on either Washington State or Rutgers to convert 5/11 3rd downs. Washington quarterback Will Rogers repeatedly gashed Michigan's defense with slants and little flares to the flat. They also threw in this trick play for funsies:
2024 Washington
— Pace N Space (@PaceNSpace2) October 6, 2024
-3x1 Wide Bunch
-Now Screen Throwback Double Pass pic.twitter.com/4ohOmxZkpu
Defensive coordinator Wink Martindale is getting a lot of deserved criticism for his often baffling playcalling, but I think that their players outside of the defensive line are just kind of terrible in coverage in general.
The Wolverines rank 133rd in the country in giving up pass plays of 10+ yards or more, and 115th in overall passing defense (surrendering almost 260 yards per game), making this a group effort. Even star cornerback Will Johnson made a gigantic mistake against Washington during their fourth quarter comeback, flailing wildly at a receiver and catching his facemask for a penalty instead.
Guys like Jyaire Hill and Zeke Berry were repeatedly picked on in the passing game, but in reality the problem for Michigan is a combination of bad play with a defensive strategy that is allowing opponents to pick up ten yards whenever they remember that their tight ends exist.
THREAT LEVEL
It's good that Michigan lost, because they're Michigan, but the wild thing is that despite the organizational chaos, a quarterback switch, a defensive coordinator just trying to pad his resume before applying as a linebackers coach for the Eagles, and a nonexistent passing game, Michigan still had the ball in a tied game with ten minutes left to go on Saturday.
A team with an actual strategy or leadership could've made those final ten minutes interesting and competitive. Instead the Wolverines turned the ball over twice and watched helplessly as the Huskies scored a touchdown and a field goal to ice their revenge game.
The Threat Level will remain at GUARDED, because things can always get worse. But until Sherrone Moore and company can show that they have any interest in developing an identity, it's hard to imagine it getting much better for Michigan this season.
