If you ever find yourself in the throes an alcohol blackout and holding a microphone on stage at an open comedy night for Columbus idiots, my advice is to start ranting against area drivers.
The room will instantly be on your side despite it being comprised of area drivers. This falls in line with humanity's ancient principle of everyone else being the problem.
For example, I have never made a driving mistake in my life, despite what the Ohio State Highway Patrol would try to get you to believe in a court of law. The million of other commuters can't drive for shit, though.
They can't merge. They text and drive. Turn signals are optional. They love setting the cruise control two miles over the speed limit, coasting in the left lane, and then looking at you in bewilderment when you pass them on the right, which is never enough to wake them from the cocoon of consciousness that ends six inches from their nose.
It's enough to make a person think they're surrounded by The Worst Drivers in the World. Yet, there is a ray of hope, thanks to a report on driver safety from All-State Insurance. Columbus, somewhat shockingly, didn't finish last.
The report starts with Brownsville, TX as the city with the best drivers and ends at No. 200 with Boston, MA.
Columbus, the city we all love to know, registers at No. 121, beating out the likes of San Diego (No. 123), Miami (No. 131), and Charlotte (No. 150). Its ranking jumps to No. 108 when numbers are controlled for average annual precipitation.
Here are the top five cities:
| RANK | CITY | YEARS BETWEEN COLLISION | COLLISION LIKELIHOOD (VS NAT'L AVG) | 2015 RANK | POPULATION DENSITY CONTROL RANK | PRECIPITATION CONTROL RANK |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | BROWNSVILLE, TX | 14.6 | -31.4% | 2 | 2 | 1 |
| 2 | KANSAS CITY, KS | 13.6 | -26.3% | 1 | 13 | 2 |
| 3 | MADISON, WI | 13.3 | -24.7% | 6 | 1 | 4 |
| 4 | CAPE CORAL, FL | 12.9 | -22.3% | 5 | 14 | 3 |
| 5 | BOISE, ID | 12.8 | -22.1% | 3 | 3 | 9 |
These numbers aren't too shocking, given they aren't metropolises subject to large amounts of people ramming each other with their cars every day.
Further down the list is where you will find Columbus, as well as the state of Michigan's best victory over Columbus since at least 2011:
| RANK | CITY | YEARS BETWEEN COLLIISION | COLLISION LIKELIHOOD (VS NAT'L AVG) | 2015 RANK | POPULATION DENSITY CONTROL RANK | PRECIPITATION CONTROL RANK |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 117 | DENVER, CO | 8.9 | 12.8% | 84 | 100 | 125 |
| 118 | STOCKTON, CA | 8.9 | 13% | 117 | 94 | 123 |
| 119 | MODESTO, CA | 8.8 | 13.1% | 107 | 96 | 127 |
| 120 | WARREN, MI | 8.8 | 13.7% | 116 | 114 | 112 |
| 121 | COLUMBUS, OH | 8.8 | 13.7% | 119 | 120 | 108 |
| 122 | KILLEEN, TX | 8.8 | 14.3% | 135 | 137 | 118 |
| 123 | SAN DIEGO, CA | 8.7 | 14.4% | 123 | 111 | 132 |
| 124 | MEMPHIS, TN | 8.7 | 14.5% | 96 | 142 | 102 |
| 125 | MINNEAPOLIS, MN | 8.7 | 14.5% | 81 | 58 | 120 |
Columbites, take heed. The next time your life spirals out of control to the point you find yourself in the hellscape that is the northwest 270 outerbelt during rush hour, just remember it could be worse. Way worse.
You could live in San Diego!
