‘JT BARRETT IS TERRIBLE’ SAYS LOCAL MAN
In the outskirts of Columbus, Ohio, self-described Buckeye fanatic and “red blooded American sexual tyrannosaurus,” Arthur Bollins seized his opportunity while being arraigned at court to aim a shot at Ohio State quarterback JT Barrett. Among the incredibly inflammatory and derogatory and frankly shocking language aimed at the young man, Bollins called Barrett “terrible,” “not very good at all,” and even went so far as to call Barrett a “quarterhack.”
Bollins was arrested early on Sunday morning after police responded to a report from a concerned neighbor that he was engaging in an unauthorized and dangerous burning. The police who arrested Bollins discovered that he was burning a massive pile of “JT Barrett 4 Heisman” merchandise that Bollins had evidently ordered from a wholesaler in China (with the intent to sell online). The merchandise included t-shirts, cozies, bumper stickers, foam fingers, pregnancy tests that only work to tell you if you’ve been impregnated by JT Barrett, and JT Barrett-themed automatic pistols called “Barrett-etas.”
Bollins was released on $2000 bail and is charged with arson.
IOWA HAWKEYES EXCITED AT OPPORTUNITY TO FLOP IN BOWL GAME
After their stunning, surprising, and interdasting victory over the highly favored Ohio State Buckeyes, the Iowa Hawkeyes are now ranked 20th in the nation by the College Football Playoff Committee and at 6-3 have earned bowl eligibility. After celebrating their upset victory, Hawkeye coaches and players were quick to turn their attention to the road ahead, and dream of the possibilities before them.
“I’m just thankful to live and breathe, and to have a chance to once again look absolutely unprepared against middling opposition in a December bowl game,” said Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz.
“I can’t wait to throw six picks to a secondary made up of second and third stringers on whatever injury-ridden team finishes fourth in the SEC East,” declared Iowa quarterback Nate Stanley.
“I personally look forward to whiffing on lots of tackles and tanking my draft stock at the worst possible time,” said star linebacker Josey Jewel.
Iowa currently has a chance to finish their regular season with 8 or 9 wins, which would put them in good position to be humiliated by a number of currently struggling teams in the SEC, ACC, or Pac-12 conferences when bowl season arrives.
MARK DANTONIO’S WEATHER MACHINE MAY BE BROKEN
While their perpetual chip-on-the-shoulder is still very much intact ahead of an all-important trip to Columbus to face the Ohio State Buckeyes, the Michigan State Spartans were in for some bad news on Wednesday night when it transpired that Mark Dantonio’s weather-altering machine was breaking down.
“The fog setting still works on and off,” head coach Mark Dantonio said in a recent presser, “but I’m not sure fog is enough to make Urban Meyer forget that his team includes runningbacks.”
After the news broke, Vegas bookies changed the line for the game, which now sits at -28 Buckeyes.
