I thought that I was immune.
I thought that despite the colds and coughs and aches that I'm frequently beset with, I would be able to get through the month of March with any basketball-related afflictions. I could just go to the gym like normal and flail around to the sad hum of Ohio State getting blown the hell out of the water by VCU's havoc-infused heavy metal. Basketball would come and go and I would shrug and then go back to writing mash notes to Cardale Jones and Urban Meyer.
Instead I was sitting at home committing the sin of skipping leg day; my foot twitching nervously, my hands sweaty, my nails bitten, and my heart doing things that it hasn't quite recovered from doing during the national championship game. It was a scary physiological experience that I'm not sure I want to repeat, and I'm positive isn't healthy for me. Yeah, I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, but 2014-2015 Ohio State basketball isn't supposed to cause this kind of reaction in healthy, sane individuals who know that Thad Matta's team veers wildly between "hot garbage" and "semi-competent."
The warm, safe, comforting blanket of lowered expectations has been ripped off my gross decaying body and I hate it. I'm dying. Since the likelihood of the basketball Buckeyes causing that is infinitesimally small, let's find out what horrible disease is actually responsible using a flash-based internet doctor.
By the way, how did people even manage to make it past the age of 35 without the internet telling them what illnesses they're beset with? I'm consulting this thing for all major life decisions from now on, medical-related or not.
The head is where it all starts. The conflict of just wanting to ignore something versus the instinct to want to watch Ohio State win basketball games has given me headache after headache as I argue with myself about exactly how invested I want to be in this team.
"They're terrible against teams with a pulse!" has to fight with "You're a Buckeye and you ride or die with Thad Matta you TRAITOR" which jockeys for elbow room with "Damn you Amir Williams" and nearly drowns out a tiny voice squeaking "D'Angelo is the trrrruuuuuuttthhhh!" which is entirely overruled by "JESUS WE SPENT HOW MUCH SENDING TIM SHOEMAKER TO PORTLAND??? THEY'D BETTER WIN AT LEAST ONE DAMN GAME"
And then they play. And, predictably, Ohio State starts to lose badly. Can't hit a bucket, Russell looks lost, VCU is draining threeballs using whatever wizard's spell Shaka Smart cast on them that day. Same old story, who cares, spring football, blah blah blah.
But! It's college basketball. So the Buckeyes go on a run and make it interesting at the end of the half. Dammit!
It gets worse. Ohio State might actually win the game. Russell found his shot. Shannon Scott looks assertive, kind of. Amir-freaking-Williams is playing his best game in literally months. VCU plays harder. Keita Bates-Diop goes Super Saiyan. VCU whacks Russell right in the grill. The game goes back and forth and I can't tell whether I'm happy that Ohio State is playing well or angry that they're playing just well enough for me to have to pay attention to the rest of the game.
I go home from work and watch the rest from the couch, and my symptoms set in. It lasts all the way through overtime and the victory the Buckeyes pull off, and now I'm sitting here on that same couch seriously contemplating the what-ifs of a potential win against Arizona. These are the actions of a sick man, and I need to know what's causing it.
Aahhh rabies! I knew it! Even when I thought it was basketball I knew it had to be the rabies. The good news is that if caught soon enough, rabies is very survivable.
The bad news is that every victory in March is like sticking your hand in a barrel full of pissed off raccoons and tempting fate all over again. This time though, I think I'm looking forward to it.
Maybe.
