In the late-80s, early-90s slice of life dramedy The Wonder Years, Columbo's grandson navigates life through a funhouse mirror version of America in the 1960s, resulting in a lot of synth-backed montages where he Learns A Lesson about friendship or homework or kids getting shipped to Vietnam or whatever. At its core, The Wonder Years was basically just a five season long slog of Daniel Stern narrating Fred Savage through puberty while you got increasingly impatient waiting for him to hook up with Winnie Cooper.
There is one episode that I like. Basically, Fred Savage is commiserating with his milquetoast best friend Paul about how Paul, an incredible nerd, always gets picked last for basketball at school. After complaining, Fred gets stuck making a team during gym class as a bit of petty revenge on the part of his teacher, and in one of the three times in the series that he does something legitimately clever, ol' Fred picks the most godawful kids possible to create a team of assorted idiots and dweebs.
They (predictably) lose, but in an entertaining way that makes a six minute montage of preteens playing garbage basketball seem like only a three minute montage of preteens playing garbage basketball.
I've been thinking about that episode a lot lately, because right now Ohio State men's basketball is bad. More accurately, they're the worst team in the Big Ten, at 0-4 in conference and having lost those four games (and possibly every other game until the end of time) by what looks like an exponentially increasing amount of points. They might even be close to the worst major college basketball team in the entire state of Ohio, with about half of the MAC East capable of giving them a run for their money.
And that would be totally fine if the team was watchable, but unfortunately it turns out that Thad Matta's style of hard-nosed defense and ball control makes a bad team not just bad, but boring, which is the worst sin of all. Hell, even Fred Savage's cadre of overmatched dorks showed at least a little flair; what we've seen from the Buckeyes lately is some really regressive, depressing stuff.
So let's fix that! Below are my suggestions for some simple, concrete steps that Thad and his team can take towards making their games at least fun to watch from a semi-ironic standpoint. They'll still be bad, but a kind of bad we can be proud of.
1. FIND YOUR THREEBLER
Jon Diebler's assault against Penn State remains the funniest basketball game that I've ever seen, mostly because the 10 threes that he drained against the Nittany Lions were on the road, and the crowd he did that in front of got increasingly murderous as the night went on. I long for another game where an Ohio State player elicits that kind of rage in an opponent's fanbase, which is why Kam Williams needs to do literally nothing but stand beyond the three point line and pray for a miracle.
Kam is really the only choice for this, as he's the best distance shooter on the team by a fairly wide margin, which says something considering he's making just barely 40% of his threes. However, the truth is that Kam's skill is irrelevant to my machinations, because it really doesn't matter if he's making or missing as long as he's jacking up at least 20-30 incredibly ill-advised three point shots per game.
2. COMEBACK KEITA
Keita Bates-Diop is out for the remainder of the season due to injury, but do other coaches know that? Well, yeah, probably.
So won't they be surprised, with three minutes left in the game, Thad Matta pulls the skin away from his face to reveal... Keita? And look, who's that wearing the Andre Wesson jersey at the far end of the bench? Could it be Keita Bates-Diop?!?
Mop crew? Keita. Halftime juggling unicyclist? Keita. Starting power forward for the other team? Keita Bates-freaking-Diop.
He'd still be injured, and the illusion would really only last for last long as he can avoid screaming in pain, but those six or seven seconds of befuddlement would be absolutely magical.
3. JAVALE FILM ROOM
There is absolutely zero need to review any game or practice for any reason, especially because all video footage of the 2016-2017 Ohio State men's basketball team has been replaced by this video:
Players will be required to watch this on a loop for at least three hours twice a week in lieu of any game review. Coaches will be required to scream DO IT LIKE JAVALE incessantly in practice, and gaslight players into thinking that goaltending doesn't exist.
4. SCOUR THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS FOR ANYONE WITH REMAINING COLLEGE ELIGIBILITY
Couldn't hurt.
5. RETURN OF THE MARC
Marc Loving has had a listless, disappointing career at Ohio State, symbolized by the futility in this single Tweet:
Tonight's game distilled into one GIF pic.twitter.com/gmrmARRnED
— Eleven Warriors (@11W) January 13, 2017
It's probably too late for him to be the Deshaun Thomas-type player that many had hoped that he'd evolve into, but it's never too late for Marc to take on a new persona, one with a bit more moxie than his current laconic self. I'd suggest:
- A really boss leather jacket and shades, to be worn before, during, and after games.
- Show up to each game on a really sweet hog while blasting Pantera on the sidecar speakers, also in the sidecar is a crazed hyena that only responds to his commands.
- Wink at the ref every time he's within ten feet of one and say "This one's on me." When asked what that means, Loving will shrug and say "You never know..." and stare into the rafters of the Schott.
- Maybe score some points or something, that'd be cool.
This has been a hard season to watch or even follow casually. Thad Matta's streak of 20 win seasons is almost certainly going to end, and the Buckeyes might roll into the NIT if they get a few breaks later on in the season.
But as depressing as all that might be to contemplate, the truth of the matter is that it can still be fun, but that will require a team that's willing to make some wholesale changes in how they approach basketball. And maybe that's exactly what is needed right now.
