You're soft.
Well, let's back up for a second. In the process of having a job, raising kids, going to school, staring blankly into space and contemplating your own mortality, or some combination thereof with the addition of trying to get through this thing we call life, you might have the goods. Mentally and/or physically, you might be an extremely kickass (or at least, moderately kickass) person who gets going when the going gets tough, or some other ham-fisted cliché they put in bodywash commercials. I don't know your life.
With that said!
You are simply not prepared for what is about to unfold at approximately 12:15 p.m. today that will then continue throughout the weekend. And it's not your fault, really. We've all tried to maintain our sports fan posture for the past year, but it's been so, so hard to keep from slouching. There have of course been some valiant attempts to keep us engaged; Ohio State football being back, winning a Big Ten championship (as Trey Sermon set the single game rushing record), and finally taking down Clemson is maybe the most hyped I've been about sporting events in years.
But those are staccato moments in time that required my full attention for maybe four or five hours, and then I got to take a big ol' nap and have a week to reset my brain.
After a year of a pandemic, that same brain and the body that encases it now resembles a toasted marshmallow slowly heating and melting a wedge of chocolate that sits on the graham cracker that is my couch.
I am eternally grateful that March Madness is back. It is the best event in sports. There is nothing in my view that can match it in terms of sheer accessibility, engagement, and excitement. The difficulty here is that it has been almost two full calendar years since the last game of the most recent NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament was played, and as of the publication of this article, we collectively have roughly two hours to figure out a way to survive watching something like 36 hours of college basketball over the next three days. It is a beautiful gauntlet that we simply aren't ready for. Yet.
Let's... work the problem.
PROBLEM
"Johnny, I'm scared. I tried to stay up and watch the Michigan State/UCLA game last night and fell asleep before halftime. I heard UCLA won but someone asked me what I thought of overtime and I didn't even realize there was an overtime and I'm freaking out. I'm not going to make it, man! What if I fall asleep before Winthrop and Villanova at 10!?? That's a 12-5, Johnny!!! A TWELVE FIVE!"
SOLUTION
Naps are essential and encouraged. Yes, you'll miss a game or two. That's okay. Be strategic. Today, for example, has a stretch of games in the late afternoon hours that you can be reasonably comfortable missing most or all of in an effort to get enough REM sleep to last you through the end of the day. Yes, Wisconsin and Purdue both start at 7ish, but groggily waking up halfway through their games to eat a pizza you ordered ahead of time as you wait for the final slate of games to start? Not a bad way to spend your Friday night.
PROBLEM
"I have no idea about any of these teams outside of the Buckeyes and the group chat I'm in keeps talking about how Joe Lunardi is full of shit and that the Missouri Valley Conference is better than people think. I feel like an idiot and have no clue what's going on."
SOLUTION
No one does, everyone in your group chat is lying about knowing anything about basketball. You don't know a single human being watched a second of any of the games that 4/5ths of the teams in this tournament played. So don't sweat it.
But just in case they did, say something specific but noncommittal that no one can call you out on, like "yeah, that one guy from [insert any random 12-seed or lower here] can really light it up." Because all of those crappy teams have one guy who can really light it up.
PROBLEM
"When does Ohio State play?"
SOLUTION
Approximately 3 p.m. on CBS, but probably later because it always is.
PROBLEM
"I'm really concerned about the volume of food that I will be consuming this weekend, but I'm also concerned that I'm not quite as concerned as I should be."
SOLUTION
Hydrate like a pro. Yes, you'll still be eating your chips and dips and pizza and pizza rolls and pizza bagels and pizza Hot Pockets and leftover pizza and so on, but you can get through this thing without a goiter if you maintain a steady level of hydration that will help keep your appetite hovering around Wimpy levels instead of letting it balloon to a Mr. Creosote-style crisis.
PROBLEM
"I'm overly invested in this Ohio State team to the point where I've started inventing Jeff Gillooly-esque conspiracies to explain Kyle Young's concussions."
SOLUTION
Try to enjoy the ride. This is, ultimately, a fun as hell Buckeye team even without Kyle Young, and there's a good chance that you might not see many of these key players doing cool as shit basketball stuff together after this tournament. Can they make a run? Absolutely. Should they? ...Absolutely? I mean, yeah, they have a great draw. But who knows.
So instead, live in the (one shining) moment. Stay awake, stay fed, and keep your seatbelt on. This is going to be fun. Finally.
