Football coaches make little effort to hide the fact they're wired differently from typical human beings.
Urban Meyer consistently references his long work days in press conferences and his radio shows. It's tough to sympathize with a man who makes over $6 million a year, but working 15 hours a day for a full week while solely focusing on the strategy for a single game is clearly enough to lose perspective on life – we all know the story behind the contract with his family.
Players buy into Ohio State's program philosophy even if they don't always understand the play calling. Meyer's militarization of his teams seems overwhelming, but it's inherent in the sport and at a place like Ohio State, where former World War II Lieutenant Commander Woody Hayes is still revered.
In many ways Jim Harbaugh is also football savant, although his tactics vary wildly from Meyer's. Coaches are always looking for ways to motivate kids who are half their age. Meyer and his staff seem to be on the cutting edge, Harbaugh confuses them immediately with sailing allegories.
Both philosophies lead to massive success, so this isn't meant to be critical. Rather, consider this a case study of how Harbaugh's personality can remain endearing in the only profession suited for him.
Harbaugh's understanding and passion for the game is tough to match. According to those around him, he spends every waking moment thinking about football and takes it to an extreme level even by coach standards. Football takes precedent over the most basic of human needs, especially clothing:
"[His numerous $8 pleated Walmart khakis] eliminates the need for Jim to make a decision on what to wear every morning, so instead that time can be used to focus on football."
- Former Harbaugh assistant Ed Lamb, via Bleacher Report
We're all aware of his sideline antics and the health risks associated with playing football. Nothing perfectly combined the two quite like the time Harbaugh smeared one of his players' blood on his own face, via The Michigan Daily:
In the game, right tackle Chris Marinelli ran off the field with the rest of his offense after a touchdown drive, his arm bloodied. He went straight to Harbaugh to show him.
Harbaugh looked at the blood and did exactly what he said he would. He took his hand and wiped it on Marinelli’s arm. The player’s blood was on the coach’s hands.
Then, Harbaugh took it a step further. He smeared Marinelli’s blood all over his own face like war paint.
Years ago, athletic programs began employing nutritionists as another step to ensure athletes would be in peak physical shape when they take the field. In Michigan's case, that position is also filled by their head football coach:
Harbaugh: No. 1 natural steroid is sleep, No. 2 whole milk, No. 3 water, No. 4 steak... "take a vitamin every day, it's called steak"
— Mark Snyder (@Mark__Snyder) November 3, 2015
While the rest of us should worry about the amount of red meat we consume, Harbaugh is unfazed. He loves steak so much he's not willing to sacrifice the one day of the year Americans typically go without it:
Jim Harbaugh told Detroit sports radio this morning his favorite Thanksgiving dish was steak. This man ain't right.
— J Shmeremy (@Shmeremy) November 25, 2015
Hold the Ron Swanson comparisons. If we're drawing a likeness to a TV character, I'm going with the eccentric Charlie Kelly. Like Charlie Day's character on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," Harbaugh also believes a bird with teeth exists in nature:
Harbaugh says Michigan has a deep respect for Jake Rudock at this point. "This guy is tough as nails, hard as hen's teeth."
— Nick Baumgardner (@nickbaumgardner) November 23, 2015
His strange analogies don't end there. He said this, in reference to a hypothetical about linebacker Joe Bolden's ejection during the Michigan State game:
Harbaugh: "If worms had machine guns, birds would be scared of them." That's supposed to be about Bolden's ejection somehow?
— Isaiah Hole (@isaiahhole) October 26, 2015
Birds should be scared; worms come for all of us in the end.
We've established Harbaugh doesn't offer the best nutritional advice, has a hard time accepting any food that isn't steak and doesn't have the best sanitary habits. Surprisingly, he may not be the be best person to take dating tips from:
To be fair, he's still married despite the pure debauchery at his bachelor party.
Do you think you deserve a raise but you don't know how to approach your boss? Also not Harbaugh's area of expertise:
Source: midway thru 2014, York walked into meeting Harbaugh was holding w/ players, & Harbaugh told Jed that the meeting was for "men only"
— Kyle McLorg (@Kyle_McLorgBASG) June 8, 2015
That might be the gist of Harbaugh's employment problems – his longest stint as a coach is four years. Former Buckeye Alex Boone said Harbaugh "wore out his welcome" in San Francisco, a bigger issue in the pros considering roster continuity. Still, if he's as surly around his bosses at Michigan as he was reportedly was with the 49ers, it won't end well.
There are hardly any assurances in life. Wherever Harbaugh ends ends up, the only thing we is know he'll harass traffic cops everywhere until it's time for a future Michigan coach to smash Buckeyes on his grave – via Bleacher Report:
As he explained it, he was on his way to the office when he noticed a traffic light wasn’t working; a cop was standing in the middle of a busy intersection, directing cars this way and that way. The female officer displayed such command of the intersection that Harbaugh pulled over to the side of the road, mesmerized.
For half an hour, Harbaugh sat in his car and studied the scene. He was nearly late for practice because he was so enthralled with the skill and the savvy of the traffic cop. “I like to watch people doing their job at the highest level,” he said. “I really do.”
