If you put a relatively normal person in a room, force them to wear a suit, and then sit them at a table full of people who may or may not be interested in anything that they have to say, that normal person is likely to act in some predictable ways. They'll sweat, fidget, bite their nails, pray that there's no math involved, and then try to get the hell out of there as soon as they possibly can. Which is nothing to be ashamed of! Those are perfectly sane responses to a situation which only pops up in your life if you did something really awesome or really stupid.
Since playing competitive football at a high level is kind of both of those things, Billy Price, Tyquan Lewis, Chris Worley, and the other 39ish Big Ten players that will be in attendance at Big Ten Media Days in Chicago next week have had ample experience in their relatively short lives fielding boilerplate questions by giving really bland answers, so this should be no sweat.
Ah, but therein lies the rub. Of course it's no sweat. Once you've reached the zen-like Tresselian summit of non-answers (after extensive coaching from your college football program of choice), you could confidently stroll into any senate subcommittee of your choice and dodge 15 hours worth of questions about why you chose to ignore the locally endangered spotted star-nosed mole population when you dumped all that toothpaste byproduct into their habitat. The Big Ten Media days poses little to no challenge to you. This is what I mean:
Understand that I am absolutely not dogging on Raekwon McMillan here. He is direct, eloquent, and gives perfectly reasonable answers to the questions put to him in a beautiful example of someone who has mastered his craft.
But... well, let's say you've stopped caring about the craft. Let's say that Urban Meyer and Luke Fickell and Jim Tressel and generations of college football coaches pleading with their players to be as boring as possible when interacting with the media no longer holds sway with you. Let's say that you're ready to get into some trouble and be the hero that all of those guys with phones shoved in your face are desperately hoping you'll be. If you're ready for that, and can deal with the consequences (being a super cool badass that everybody likes), then have I got some advice for you!
KNOW THE REASON FOR THE SEASON
Big Ten Media Days (and the media days of any conference) exist for two reasons. The first is an establishment of preseason storylines based on whatever vague comments that coaches and players give during the approximately 15 minutes of honest dialog that will occur over the course of a few days. The second is to hoard as many juicy quotes as is possible, and the grand circle of life will ensure that the bones of whatever vague response you give to queries will be picked clean for relevance, so you could go boring but it isn't going to make much of a difference.
Instead, don't just be interesting, be aggressively interesting. Insert a random factoid in every statement you make, so that if someone wants to quote you, "it's going... to... look [like]... this."
I'M A LEVEL 14 DRUID
Role play, baby! About 60% of the people asking you questions have a pretty good idea of who you are and what you're about, but the second you see a reporter that you don't recognize, it is time to make sure that they know you a) wrote a novel about a murder investigation in 1840s Milan, b) you've got 13 siblings and share your first name with seven of them, and c) in 10th grade you sung backup vocals on an Erykah Badu album because your mom's friend has a friend who... well, it's complicated.
It's basically "two truths and a lie," except it's all lies, which is fine because it doesn't actually matter.
LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND
Some people are cooler than others. Knowing this, you have a duty to your fellow man, both reporter and player: if you see a player looking forlornly into the distance, silently wishing someone would ask him about who is the grittiest player on his team, it'd probably help your karmic balance sheet to direct a little attention his way. Preferably with a really elaborate lie, but if the truth is interesting you can go with that. I guess.
Likewise, if there's some Fievel Mousekewitz-looking sad sack reporter stuck in the back of a crowd that refuses to budge to the side se he can ask his question about third string quarterbacks, dammit, you gotta help him out and give a really weird and obtuse answer that's not useful to him whatsoever. It's the decent thing to do.
DO THE THING
You know, the "Ha ha! You were interviewing me, but now I have the microphone and am interviewing you!" thing. That always kills.
PULL BACK THE CURTAIN ON URBAN
Understand that as popular and important as you are, Urban Meyer can fart into a bucket and sell the audio for $15.99 on iTunes. That's to be expected; your time with Ohio State is finite, and Urban Meyer is going to be the head coach for at least another 20 or 30 years. He is eternal. So roll with it; your ace in the hole is the knowledge that literally everything you say about Urban almost has to be printed because of the attention it generates, and you can use that to your advantage.
Every anecdotal nose pick, shoelace tie, suppressed burp, or irritated sigh you can elaborate on will be hoarded like precious gold. Mention Meyer in any context and you will have a rapt and captive audience right on through your twenty minute monologue about his fly being down for an entire afternoon.
These are just some suggestions, of course; you're free to use this time with the media as you see fit, and really, that's kind of where I'm going with this: too often Big Ten Media Days (or any Media Days, for that matter) is just the same kind of interviews and sound bites that we get in practices and games writ large. It is not as nearly as interesting as it could be, but at this point we're so starved for football coverage that Pat Fitzgerald talking for a half hour about his special teams unit actually sounds palpable.
The culpability for that boringness sits a little bit with the reporters who are there, most of whom are busting their asses for good copy but some of whom are content with just repeating the same questions they asked players after spring ball but with the months changed.
But, more to the point, it's the players that have the real control here. Big Ten Media Days can be something really awesome and engaging, but only if the players are willing to unlearn every media tactic they've been taught over the past several years, and are also willing to risk the wrath of Urban Meyer, Jerry Emig, or whatever Ohio State official might be in the room with them.
Price, Lewis, and Worley are all really interesting guys with a lot to offer Big Ten fans, and my single fervent hope for next week is that they're given the space they need to show that.
