10 Reasons to Hate Oklahoma

By Jimmy Longo on September 8, 2017 at 7:25 pm
Ohio State beats Oklahoma in Norman
Kevin Jairaj—USA Today Sports Images
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Last week I introduced this series kicking off with the now-deposited Hoosiers. They gave the Buckeyes all they had, though by the end of the game Hoosier faithful that stayed were scarce. Moving right along, we're adding fuel to the flame, with 10 reasons to hate Oklahoma.

10. Ed harris

To start, it pains me to say this, but hate the Sooners because actor Ed Harris graduated from there.

I mean there was nothing better than Harris' performance as Gene Krantz in Apollo 13 or as the bad guy who tries to defame Benjamin Gates' great-great grandfather in National Treasure 2. 

I thought Harris' alumni status of the university might not guarantee his fandom, but Harris being the voice of the Sooners intro video in 2012 kind of sealed that deal.

This week, we all have to hate Ed Harris.

9. BARRY SWITZER

A lot of bad things are said about my boy Jim Tressel and the way his tenure ended here at Ohio State. Yeah, it was bad. Really, really bad. But it wasn't as bad as the ship that former Sooners legendary coach Barry Switzer ran.

Switzer is like a semi-similar football coach version of Jordan Belfort. If you win three national championships and everything is gold, why not commit insider trading? Yeah, he wasn't found guilty but you can bet that Switzer did it. Listen, if you're on the radar enough to be sued by the United States Securities and Exchange Commission, that is some scheming right there.

Tressel's missteps violated NCAA rules while Switzer probably (most definitely) violated federal law. Tressel's tenure ended because of Tattoogate but Switzer's ended because his players were being investigated by the FBI for cocaine distribution, other ravenous drug use and the inability to control his locker room. And if you believe Brian Bosworth, they were smoking crack on game days, popping steroids like aspirin and one player even popped-off a machine gun out an Oklahoma campus dorm. Justice shall come in the form of a four-touchdown first half tomorrow for the Buckeyes.

8. Brian Bosworth

Ah yes, you didn't think I could mention "The Boz" and not give everyone's favorite steroid-chewing, jabroni bust of an NFL linebacker his own section did you?

Hate the Sooners for breeding such a waste of talent. I mean after being the only linebacker to ever win the Butkus Award twice, Bosworth messed around and got kicked off the Sooner team for sporting a shirt calling the NCAA a bunch of commies. Not totally untrue but Boz man, come on. Norman's most-polarizing bad boy also sued the NFL as a rookie simply because he couldn't wear the number 44 due to NFL rules. 

For as much as Barry Switzer ran a circus inside the Oklahoma locker room, he probably wouldn't have had to resign if Bosworth hadn't narced on his former coach in his autobiography.

7. Their state capitol has laws against them

That's right guys and gals, the state of Oklahoma hates the Sooners and you should too.

Oklahoma state law §21.9.375 states any flag not these can't be flown on any publicly-owned property. Alike Oklahoma State — Ohio State's little brother version of OSU — that list doesn't include the Sooners. It includes honorable flags like the boy scouts, the girl scouts and even any of the 50 state flags.

So yes, in accordance with state law, Oklahoma would rather fly the esteemed Ohio burgee on publicly-owned property then the crimson and cream. 

Boomer and Sooner want the public support of the governor or the Oklahoma general assembly, they say? They won't get that, but they can get a 500 dollar fine and six months in jail.

6. David Boren and tailgating

Could you imagine if Ohio State Pres. Michael Drake banned tailgating outside the stadium, on west campus or the carmack lots?

Hate Oklahoma because their president doesn't believe in the value of a good frank(s) and plastic cup(s) of brew hydrating beverage before a football game. 

President David Boren and the university released updated tailgating regulations for the Oklahoma campus last week. The people were heated.

After much chagrin of Sooner fans, Boren released a total of three maps to try and appease the upset fanbase. The map is still a sea of red that stands for off-limit areas and not a sea of crimson shenanigans. 

The Great Norman Blockade
via University of Oklahoma

5. BOOMER SOONER IS A FRAUD

Hate Oklahoma because "Boomer Sooner" is an adaptation and not an original work of music. The very foundation of the school's pride is a FARCE.

Taken from "Boola Boola," the fight song for Yale, Boomer Sooner doesn't really lend itself to any intellectualism. Of the 45 words within the song, 34 of these of the words are either Boomer, Sooner and O-K-U.

Nothing better than screaming Boomer Sooner over and over deep in the heart of cattle country after a Sooner touchdown, while Toby Keith's "Beer for My Horses" plays on your pocket radio.

4. JOE MIXON & DEDE WESTBROOK

A real honest truth reason to hate the Sooners comes from two former players.

To take an aside for a second, the intention of a lot of these "reasons" are to bring hatred but in a competitive, we hate you-you hate us nature. Humor through competitive spirit and rivalry (yes, even Indiana.)

This was and is still different.

Putting hands on a woman has zero tolerance in any manner, regardless of things said, things done — whatever the case might be regardless of relationship or affiliation. Sure Joe Mixon and Dede Westbrook are on to the NFL now for some apparent reason, but the point still being that the Oklahoma athletic department let both participate in intercollegiate athletics fully-well knowing what had occurred because of these two young men.

Finishing up this home-and-home 2-0 considering this would feel pretty good.

3. The university of Oklahoma is a walking typo

Maybe I'm just as bad for making this realization this week thanks to my friend Kevin Harrish, but how incompetent is the UNIVERSITY of OKLAHOMA (take note of order) for the school logo being the exact opposite of its name?

Since 1967 the university has used some sort of version of the O being intersected by the U, and the football team since 1977 has used the logo on their helmets. Baker Mayfield below displays that logo. 

Baker Mayfield

What makes me hate this even more is the University of Oklahoma branding website saying the following about the logo,

"Therefore, it is critical that the visual elements and the brand that represent the institution and its image do so consistently and with integrity."

What kind of school carries itself on maintaining "consistency" and "integrity" with it's logo when the logo itself isn't representative of the University of Oklahoma?

Side note, here are some United States universities that aren't Oklahoma that can use OU and not look stupid:

  • Oakland University
  • Ohio University
  • Oakwood University 

2. Baker MAyfield

You know, I really want to not hate Baker Mayfield. We could have our very own better version here in a year or two in Tate Martell. Mayfield's got a cool story in his time getting to Norman after being bamboozled by Texas Tech and being a walk-on hero at the start of his career, but he's responsible for trying to end Ohio State's national title run in week two and I can't let that happen.

But to the point, there is nothing greater in my life than seeing an undersized, arrogant, dual-threat quarterback with a soy sauce-stained hoodie get chased down by a police officer. If you think NFL scouts didn't take Mayfield's foot speed and athleticism into question asides from the whole getting arrested aspect, you're wrong.

The Moscow Ballet might be interested though. 

What's even better? The police officer's response to his fellow officer in finding out he just tackled Baker Mayfield for a loss (of freedom.)

From newsok.com:

“By the way he's the quarterback for OU.”

“He is ... Is he really?"

"That's what his girlfriend said."

"He's not very fast.”

Baker Mayfield getting physically and verbally bundled by a man who only had to pass the Arkansas state peace officer physical fitness test one time really makes me giggle.

1. AUSTIN KENDALL

I hereby declare, by the power vested in me, that this shall mark the only time on a list involving two Oklahoma quarterbacks Austin Kendall will ever be ranked ahead of Baker Mayfield. You're welcome bud. 

You all probably get the justification for putting Kendall on this list. But in the slightest that you don't, the Sooners' hardo backup quarterback is infamous for referencing the Ohio State defense last fall as "basic."

Flash forward to less than a year later and this time the Sooners are in Columbus. It's Baker Mayfield's last time against Ohio State.

Austin Kendall (err uh, sorry bud, you gotta be quicker than that) Kyler Murray will be backing up Mayfield tomorrow night. Kendall will watch the game back home in Norman without having to worry about entering at all, as he lost the backup quarterback position battle and will be redshirting the season barring something catastrophic happening to the Oklahoma quarterback room.

And honestly, Kendall has nobody to thank but himself for not having to show his face in Columbus. Just please somebody within the Oklahoma athletic department, don't let him watch College Gameday in the morning, it won't be pretty.

bonus

uhhh should somebody tell them they're flying into a place where doing that will be greeted with an "I-O?"

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