Sunshine Forever: Forecasting a World in Which Ohio State Never Loses, Ever

Yesterday James thought he'd be funny and cool and decided to waste precious internet real estate speculating about potential doomsday scenarios for Ohio State football in 2018. It was all very doom and gloom.

James ended up channelling his best Dolorous Edd and prognosticated a 7-6 nightmare scenario involving Dwayne Haskins exploding or getting arrested for treason or some crazy thing, another Purdue Harbor, losing to Maryland, losing to Michigan and then... beating South Carolina in the Gator Bowl so no one looked up his home address, I guess?

Cowardice, James! Cowardice!

This is Eleven Warriors dot com, dammit. We were founded on integrity, insight, and above all, a strict adherence to the facts that are presented before us. Facts, which, if properly analyzed through an appropriately Scarlet and Gray tinted lens, will lead us to the inescapable conclusion that Ohio State football will go undefeated forever, winning every game by a minimum of 50 points en route to a new college football dynasty so dominant that the sport simply ends and 11W turns into a Hot Wheels enthusiast forum.

After an exhaustive and very rational and unbiased analysis, here's how I see 2018 shaking out. Spoiler alert: everything turns out great!

An Awesome Start

Before the start of the season, Dwayne Haskins is discovered to have a strange congenital bone condition that renders them unable to break, meaning that not only will he never sustain a significant injury, he couldn't even if he wanted to.

Oregon State and Rutgers are summarily dispatched by scores of 63-3 and 75-0, respectively, with J.K. Dobbins and Mike Weber have zero carries between them as Haskins accounts for 100% of the Buckeye offense.

The TCU game poses somewhat more of a challenge, and Ohio State only manages to win by six touchdowns in Arlington. Dobbins has his first five carries of the season, all resulting in touchdowns of 75 yards or more.

Tulane doesn't show up the next week, surprising the 107,000 fans in Ohio Stadium who ultimately end up watching an impromptu Led Zeppelin reunion concert that's hastily thrown together after Jimmy Page's private jet gets stuck at the airport.

Things Just Keep Getting Better

The Penn State white-out is just that, as a freak early fall snowstorm creates literal whiteout conditions in Happy Valley. Panic ensues when the Buckeyes bring back their all-white alternate uniforms for the game, as Parris Campbell becomes the only human on the field capable of navigating the blizzard. It's assumed that he scores many, many touchdowns, but TV cameras only pick up five. As James Franklin quits at halftime, the outcome (a decisive Ohio State victory by an undetermined score) is not controversial.

Everyone Else Sucks

The next several games are a blur, and frankly, incredibly boring. Dwayne Haskins, having locked up the Heisman by the middle of October, turns over the playcalling duties to Tate Martell, who promptly becomes the first player in college football history to rush and pass for 1000 yards in just two games.

The Buckeye defense is especially notable, for not only have they not allowed a single touchdown all season to this point, but have begun outscoring every other college football offense as well. Against Maryland they record their 16th, 17th, and 18th interception return for a touchdown, 23rd safety, and recover a bunch of fumbles and take those to the house too.

The Harbrawl

Leading Michigan 116-0 halfway through the third quarter of The Game, Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh makes the decision to call the cops on Ohio State. The Michigan highway patrol screams southward across the border, arriving at the Horseshoe with just minutes left in the game. They are met in force by a contingent of Ohio State superfans, led by Big Nut and Buckeye Man, who in the process are arrested and sentenced to the punishment of not being superfans anymore.

As Michigan police, fans, players, and coaches storm the field in an attempt to distract America from the death throes of a once-mighty college football program, Urban Meyer climbs onto the field goal uprights in front of the south stands, carrying a horn fashioned from the jaw of a humpback whale and imbued with magical powers.

One powerful blast from Urban's magical horn rends the field in twain, and from the craggy gash in the middle of the field emerges a giant Brutus Buckeye, who swallows the entire Michigan Wolverine team and coaching staff whole.

Champions

After the utter destruction of their greatest rivals due to the birth of an eldritch god in the form of an anthropomorphic nut, the Buckeyes beat Wisconsin 28-21 in the Big Ten championship game, securing a spot in the College Football Playoff.

What follows is a layoff of several weeks as every major college award goes to an Ohio State player, all of whom abstain from the ceremonies as they are simply too preoccupied with winning a national title, which they do, beating a combined team of SEC all-stars. Mike Weber rushes for 109 yards.

Okay, so here's the thing: I don't really believe that Ohio State is going to finish 7-6 next season, just like I don't really believe that Ohio State is going to go undefeated and win a national championship.

What I think is fascinating about speculating about either of those things happening is that as Ohio State fans, we've convinced ourselves that the latter is much, much more likely than the former. And in fact, to suggest that hey, maybe Dwayne Haskins might struggle, or that the offensive line might have problems, or that the defensive line might lack depth, is met with derision.

And I understand why. Urban Meyer has given Ohio State fans every reason in the world to believe that he's capable of wringing out great seasons from even (in relative terms) subpar talent, which in 2018 he certainly doesn't have.

But is that the goal? A "great" season?

In truth, I think that most people reading this believe that Ohio State's goal, every season, should be to beat Michigan and win a national championship. I agree with those people; it's not just that Urban Meyer has the players to do that on a yearly basis, it's what he was brought to Ohio State to do. If the guy could win a couple of national titles at Florida against a super-powered SEC, it stands to reason that he could do the same at Ohio State.

Unfortunately, things don't always work out the way that we want them to. James' nightmare scenarios might've seemed outlandish when taken as a whole, but in truth, any one or two or three of those horrible, terrible, garbage things could absolutely happen during the course of the 2018 season, even losing to freaking Purdue again. His article might be unrealistic in the sense that it's unlikely that all of those ills will befall the Buckeyes next season, but James deserves credit for pointing out that any season of football, no matter how great your players or coaches are, is ultimately a pretty fragile thing with a lot left up to random chance.

And that's college football. We love it for its unpredictability. I wouldn't want an entire season that looked like a bunch of September cupcake beatdowns, and I also wouldn't want an entire season filled with November nail biters.

What I do want are Big Ten and national championships, and whether they come in weird, ugly, and unexpected ways like they did in 2014, or whether they come in incredibly static, predictable ways like they did... well, not in my lifetime, I'm ready. For both the good and the bad.