Exactly one week ago, Ohio State and the rest of the Big Ten conference announced that football, like all fall sports, would play only league foes as the world deals with the ongoing giblet stomps doled out by the coronavirus.
It could've been worse — the league could've scrapped football altogether. Instead, it took the baby stomp of eliminating non-conference matchups, leaving hope for a 10-game league schedule to be revealed soon.
The subtraction of three non-conference games for the Buckeyes means Ohio State won't be headed to Oregon for what would've been a sexy matchup with the Ducks in Autzen Stadium. That's a stinger.
Hell, they're all stingers to some degree but the elimination of the season-opener against Bowling Green and a September 19 clash with Buffalo would, in a normal season/world, mean missing two games that would otherwise likely stink out loud.
If Ohio State won either of those by 50, that would equate to barely satisfying expectations as fans left a hot and humid Ohio Stadium at halftime in search of intravenous fluids. If Ohio State struggled in either of those, the frustration of watching a lethargic effort against decidedly meh competition would melt message boards for a week.
So look on the bright side, you don't have to worry about such shenanigans this year. Because for every Oregon, Oklahoma, TCU or USC, there are two Bowling Greens, Akrons, Toledos, UNLVs and San Diego States.
As a natural giver, I'm really just here to try and help you cope with the loss of those three games, pretending they would all be largely forgettable, or worse yet, memorable for their stank.
In case you aren't on board yet, here's a sampling of some true non-conference duds over the last 20 years for added perspective.
2003: No. 2 Ohio State 16, San Diego State 13
The entered game two of the 2003 slate as 32-point favorites against the Aztecs. That would prove to be a pretty atrocious line as the Ohio State offense struggled mightily with Maurice Clarett suspended.
Craig Krenzel completed *checks notes* 5-of-20 passes for 76 yards. He tossed a pick on the first play of the game and later lost a fumble.
With Krenzel helpless absent a legit running back, Ohio State tallied 10 first downs and 196 yards against a Mountain West defense.
Thankfully for the Buckeyes, SDSU was forced to use a backup quarterback and committed four turnovers, one of which was a Will Allen 100-yard pick six. Bless that underrated man in Ohio State lore.
2003: No. 5 Ohio State 24, Bowling Damn Green 17
Two weeks removed from the SDSU clunker and one week removed from a triple-overtime win over Phillip Rivers and North Carolina State, the Buckeyes again laid an egg against a MAC squad, this time against the Bowling Green Falcons.
Somehow still ranked No. 5 in the country, Ohio State plodded along, building one the most boring 24-7 leads you've ever seen before giving up the game's last 10 points to give this one an aroma not often associated with victory.
Falcons quarterback Josh Harris proved to be the most exciting player on the field as he completed 33 passes for 326 yards and two scores, albeit with three picks.
Meanwhile, Scott McMullen got the start for Jim Tressel's air raid and completed 10 passes for 118 yards with a pick and a touchdown.
Shoutout to Mo Hall, however, for recording his first 100-yard rushing effort in the stale victory.
2004: No. 9 Ohio State 24, Marshall 21
C'mon dudes. The good guys needed a 55-yard field goal from Mike Nugent as time expired to turn back the Thundering Herd in game two of the 2004 slate.
The game saw Ohio State turn it over four times including on three straight possessions in the second half, convert 2-of-10 third downs and generate a disappointing 79 net yards rushing led by 90 yards on 3.8 per carry from Lydell Ross.
Marshall aided the OSU cause, missing a field goal and failing to convert a fake field goal.
Props to Justin Zwick for throwing for 324 yards and three scores against two picks and Santonio Holmes, who scorched the Herd with 10 grabs for 224 yards and three touchdowns. Still, this one was as frustrating as a win can be.
2007: No. 12 Ohio State 20, Akron 2
I know, it's an 18-point win, but this one saw the Buckeyes lead just 3-2 after the second intermission, errr quarter.
In fact, Ohio State led only 6-2 with 10:09 left in the third quarter before finally scoring a touchdown with 6:10 left in the third.
Ohio State's offense turned it over five times, but Akron said hold my beer, as the Zips tallied three first downs, 69 total yards and 13 straight 3-and-outs. Lol. 13 straight 3-and-outs seems bad.
Hat tip to Beanie Wells and his then-career-high 143 rushing yards and the defense's ability to hold down Akron's high-school offense, but holy cow, was this one the cure for insomnia.
2008: No. 3 Ohio State 26, Ohio University 14
Ah, the game famously remembered for Chris Spielman's sideline reporting observation calling it a pillow fight in pure rage over Ohio State's offensive line.
The Buckeyes trailed 7-6 at the half and 14-6 with nine minutes left in the third quarter before closing the game on a 20-0 run.
Another five turnovers against a MAC team had fans fuming along with Spielman as the run game barely averaged four yards per carry, led by Boom Herron's 12 carries for 50 yards.
The highlight? Your guy Ray Small's 69-yard punt return for six to cap the scoring.
2011: No. 15 Ohio State 27, Toledo 22
It feels like cheating to include any game from the lost 2011 season since all but two of them were forgettable, but a game two tussle with the Toledo Rockets makes the cut.
Game two of the Luke Fickell era saw the Rockets outgain Ohio State 338-301 and nurse a 22-21 lead from early in the third quarter until 3:17 left in regulation before a Carlos Hyde touchdown run provided the game's 27-22 final score.
The Buckeyes again struggled on the ground with just 112 rushing yards on 3.3 per carry. Ohio State also converted only 3-of-12 third downs while Joe Bauserman completed 16-of-30 throws for 189 yards and a score.
Toledo's Eric Page was the game's best player, logging 12 catches for 145 yards and two touchdowns. This was the first real indication the 2011 season would be a gigantic clunker after the Buckeyes beat Akron 42-0 in game one the previous week.
2011: Miami (Fla.) 24, No. 17 Ohio State 6
So, game three of the Fickell era made it clear this team was taking on water with no lifeboats in sight.
Facing a roadie against a bad Hurricanes squad, the Good Throw Joe moniker was officially retired as Bauserman completed 2-of-14 passes for 13 yards in an embarrassing 24-6 loss.
Add in Braxton Miller's 22 passing yards and the Buckeyes threw for 35 yards and rushed for 174 more in a 209-yard Walrusball outburst.
The defeat was Ohio State's first on the road against an unranked non-conference opponent in 23 years.
The Hurricanes would go on to finish 6-6 with five of those losses coming to unranked teams.
2012: No. 16 Ohio State 29, UAB 15
After back-to-back mediocre performances in games two and three of Urban Meyer's first year, it was still a stunner to see Ohio State fail to dominate the 0-2 UAB Blazers.
Alas, the Buckeyes trailed 12-7 late in the second quarter and led just 21-15 early in the fourth quarter against a squad that would lose nine of 12 games.
Ohio State's defense gave up 403 total yards and special teams created some major angst for Meyer. The Buckeyes had a punt blocked for a touchdown, roughed the UAB punter to extend a drive and let the Blazers recover an onside kick to start the second half.
After the game, Meyer listed Ohio State's issues as “offense, defense and special teams.”
Despite the lackluster play, the Buckeyes scored 22 of the game's final 25 points including a pair of rushing touchdowns from Braxton Miller.
2015: No. 1 Ohio State 20, Northern Illinois 13
Game three in a season Ohio State sought to repeat as national champs foretold pain to come as the quarterback carousel helped disjoint a ridiculously talented offense.
Facing Northern Illinois in the Shoe, starting quarterback Cardale Jones tossed a pair of first half picks before getting pulled in favor of J.T. Barrett, who tossed a second quarter touchdown to Mike Thomas that pushed Ohio State to a 10-10 tie heading into the half.
Barrett played the entire second half and the offense mustered only a field goal on seven drives. Fortunately, Darron Lee added a 41-yard pick-six to give Ohio State a 20-10 lead it wouldn't relinquish.
Still, it was a struggle watching the Jones and Barrett combine for 133 passing yards and three interceptions against the nation's 91st-ranked pass defense.
With those two out of sync, Ohio State turned it over five times and converted 2-of-13 third downs in one of the most forgettable games of a frustrating season.
