This really should have been a lousier offseason, right?
The Buckeyes entered it coming off what we used to despondently refer to as another Cooper Twofer. That ancient disease was statistically eradicated after the 1990s. Unblemished Septembers and Octobers screeching to a sad halt at the end of the show was the only 20th century infrastructure Y2K was able to take down.
We didn't miss it. It's been gone so long a sizeable chunk of the tribe was born since then.
But in January we came off two seasons in a row suffering from that curse - even babies have suffered exposure now. Ohio State ending football seasons on two-game slides is basically our own version of smallpox returning from oblivion, and it was totally preventable.
This happened because too much of the preventative, evidence-based measures painstakingly installed by cross-functional scientific and religious teams at the turn of the century were taken for granted. Michigan wasn't going to give up. Bacteria always return.
And yet the Buckeyes caught the arrogance disease were complicit in this happening. Unacceptably defense, then a middling offense along with atrocious special teams all along the way - every unit experienced a failure during this outbreak.
As an added sad bonus, a total lack of acceptable encryption around state secrets. Woody Hayes was famously paranoid about Michigan because paranoia is not optional. Ryan Day should know that now.
Ohio State finally signaled it was serious again about restoring order to what has been squandered this decade.
Prior to 2022, the Cooper Twofer last hit us in 2011, but that one turned out to be an anomaly. Before 2011 we suffered outbreaks in 2000, 1997, 1995, 1992, 1991, 1990, 1989, 1988. Losing the final two is a 20th century disease, like diphtheria. We had this goddamn thing eradicated.
But this offseason wasn't as lousy as it deserved to be. Marcus Aurelius once said what stands in the way becomes the way, and after years of informed fans whining about What Obviously Needed to Be Done the current stewards of the football program finally seemed to listen and quickly checked off, what, like 91% of the wish list?
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They still need to figure out a few things - like lining up behind a single decider on the defensive side of the ball and bringing offensive line recruiting and development back to something approaching an Ohio State standard. It's never going to be flawless, comrades. Good news, everyone's 0-0 at the moment and the past two games are historical artifacts rather than a losing streak.
The offseason wasn't as lousy as it deserved to be because Ohio State finally signaled it was getting serious about restoring order to what has been squandered this decade. The Buckeyes just won the offseason in a way we had not seen before in any era.
Now they just need to win a few football games. Welcome back! Let's get Situational -
OPENER | CONTINENTAL DRIFT
The ubiquitous Oregon Duck will now appear regularly at B1G conference games. © Chris Pietsch/The Register-Guard / USA TODAY NETWORK
August 31 is our first full weekend of college football. Among the games scheduled that day, your Ohio State Buckeyes host Akron at 3:30pm, Idaho visits Oregon at 7:30 and Washington hosts Weber State at 11pm.
Oregon and Washington will appear on Big Ten Network. Ohio State is relegated to CBS.
The version of Fall Saturdays we experienced and were accustomed to prior to 2024 was merely a prelude to what should rapidly advance into a mutated version of a UEFA Champions League. Those Saturdays are relics now, and we're not close to completing this rapid evolution.
Now that players are capitalized brands, we're in a new realm where geography is meaningless, the playoff is a fixture, tampering is its own sport and free agency is bedrock.
THIS SEASON WE WILL FIND OURSELVES on the receiving end of nearly twice as much B1G football every Saturday than we got A MERE 30 years ago.
After a century of thriving, regional college football fiefdoms were struck by an asteroid in 1998 with the advent of the BCS, and 25 years later the original ecosystem is no more. We might think we know what we're in for this fall, but it's not really going to hit us until November when postseason scenarios begin shaking out and guys who aren't playing as much as they expected to start, uh, looking around.
So UCLA visiting Rutgers and Nebraska in October and November is only weird if you pretend we're still in 2013 turning ourselves inside-out about Cam Newton's dilapidated church getting a cash infusion from Auburn boosters. That church probably has its own NIL budget now.
If you're struggling to accept how much your Saturday religion has changed since you first swore allegiance to it, focus on what you're getting out of this revolution. There's far more good than bad coming our way.
We're going to be on the receiving end of nearly twice as much B1G football every Saturday than we got 30 years ago, and there's no longer a B1G West champ to kick around in Indianapolis to end the programming. If that isn’t progress to you, maybe it’s time for some introspection.
INTERMISSION
The Solo
The last time we had to tolerate the unforgivable phrase Defending National Champion Michigan Wolverines it was following the 1997 season. This year, intermissions will pay homage to that cursed year's Billboard Hot 100.
The Wolverines completed a three-game sweep of the Buckeyes to cap their late-century triumph, or half-triumph if you prefer. We're living in a syndication entering 2024 where again we have reasons to diminish what they accomplished. But history will show it was M's year in the rivalry, then M again and then once more.
Okay, we should just cut right into this wet fart. Hanson's imitable anthem does not contain a solo. Let's answer our two questions.
Are the musicians in this video playing their instruments?
Friends, what follows will make you nauseous - it's probably best if you stop reading now. Three brothers rode a primitive chord progression a third grader with a single music lesson under their belt could have produced. Then they added lyrics someone in the throes of a psilocybin trip might sing in the shower. That's it, that's the whole song.
It increased their net worth by a number with two commas in it. MMMBop created generational wealth and any one of us could have done this, all while Michigan was navigating a perfect season with a Heisman winner from Fremont, OH.
I was too busy writing shitty Ohio State blog posts in 1997 to do this myself, which makes me hate MMMBop even more. We could be drinking our breakfasts from hollowed-out coconuts while not owning a single pair of pants. Instead we're punching clocks, paying taxes and constantly dieting.
The video provides no proof that the brothers are musically literate. VERDICT: Inconclusive
does MMMBop slap?
This is a painful question to answer. I'm regretting the exercise. Add this travesty to the lengthy list of Michigan crimes which are still unpunished. VERDICT: Slaps, reluctantly
The Bourbon
There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.
Pursuit United: For when you need a winner
This month we finally enter a brave new world for college football. Your beloved team now belongs to and competes in a conference which spans the entire country.
If only there were a bourbon for that. Haha don't be silly, there is a bourbon for literally everything - including a Big Ten which is literally a couple acquisitions from being a Big 20.
Pursuit United is a blend of bourbons from the distilleries Finger Lakes (McKenzie) Bardstown (I can't place it in a blend like this, possibly a white label) and a non-Dickel Tennessee whiskey, which narrows it down to like 30 shops.
Three states with different cultures, varying degrees of water softness, corn with varying yields and performance characteristics - yes this is interesting before you unseal the bottle. They named it for Ohio State's 2024 season, according to the words I just typed and made up. We have our choice for the upcoming righteous campaign,
Pursuit United is a warm almond-buttered toast with apricot jam experience, better than it has any right to be with this level of disparate sourcing. Does this bode well for a B1G which now contains Oregon and California in addition to New Jersey? It's (yes) rhetorical (yes) don't think (yes) too hard about it.
Pursuit United is available online and in stores around the country, possibly even in Ohio.
CLOSER | GOLDILOCKS CONDITIONS
Ohio State running backs coach Carlos Locklyn works with TreVeyon Henderson, Quinshon Judkins & James Peoples during football camp at the Woody Hayes Athletic Complex. © Adam Cairns/Columbus Dispatch / USA TODAY NETWORK
Nine draftable guys returned for this. An Ole Miss starter, an Alabama starter, and Ohio starter, and a South Carolina starter chose to leave to become a part of this.
UCLA's head coach took a demotion for this. Hope finally stopped being a strategy for this. Nepotism and crony remnants which had been allowed to linger were largely cleared out for this.
Every year we expect the Buckeyes to do what they rarely do because they're either loaded and due or because there's a viable path to what's taken place in all of our lifetimes. Every time they miss, the root cause lies somewhere along the margins.
Lacked the stamina to win a third 1 vs. 2 battle. Used Beanie Wells as a decoy instead of a murder weapon. Freshman QB thrust into action too soon. Failed to put Wisconsin away sooner which kept the only viable strong safety on the field long enough to suffer a season-ending injury. Relied too heavily on offensive coaches over their skis.
Acquired Alex Grinch. Hired the best man from the head coach's wedding. Lost a defensive coordinator abruptly and replaced him with bad hires. Allowed a program like Ohio State to become a Learning Ground for interns with no coaching experience and coaches with no coordinator experience. It's easier to see now.
The season we're approaching now brings a unique, almost optimized mix of expectations, roster strength, staff recalibration, urgency and scheduling advantages. It's unlike anything I can remember, and please note you're 1,500 words into an Ohio State season preview where the word quarterback hasn't appeared.
The 2024 Buckeyes will not exceed your expectations, because Ohio State teams rarely climb that impossibly high mountain. They still might just win everything you want them too though.
Thanks for getting Situational today. Go Jane (happy birthday!) Go Bucks. Beat Everyone.
