Evaporation can occur at any temperature, but some reservoirs are more vulnerable to the cold.
Last weekend a seemingly unlimited inventory of SEC speed, fortitude and generalized football superiority axioms vaporized with several minutes still remaining in the 1st quarter. It marked the first time since Michigan State 2021 that a live Ohio Stadium broadcast was pre-empted with state-sanctioned erotica.
To use family-friendly Ohio polysemy, that was four no-Nut Novembers ago. Been too long.
The Horseshoe - reportedly overtaken by Tennessee occupiers - was condescendingly echoing the battle cry of Southeastern Conference bottom feeders prior to the evening's third commercial break. If the 11W game preview had looked anything like this game did, we would have been mocked for publishing fan fiction.
Kickoff temperature was 25° and it got colder with each change of possession - which was marked by kickoffs for the home team and punts for the visitors. Orange patches in the stadium crowd began evaporating once it was clear the conditions were producing the kind of history the South ends up rewriting anyway.
The Volunteers discovered that while extended exposure to frigid air can be uncomfortable, giving and receiving hits in hypothermic conditions requires more than a few hours of preparation - or a few minutes of pregame posturing. Tennessee was cooked like ceviche when the Buckeyes kicked their first PAT.
Some elements must be experienced to be understood. Watching this Ohio State team play three weeks removed from its most recent appearance on the same field was an exercise in unwinding the mental prison this program's coaches consistently incarcerate themselves in by trying too hard to crack the most poorly kept secret in college football in 2024.
Which is - if Ohio State leans on its best players, the Buckeyes win - and win like that.
Orange patches in the stadium crowd began evaporating once it was clear the conditions were producing the kind of history the South ends up rewriting anyway.
The program tolerated three weeks of earned ridicule and armchair autopsies before taking the field last weekend and tabling the Michigan discussion to whenever their season concludes, which with Saturday's result is now sometime in January.
If the Buckeyes choose to keep doing playing to their own strengths instead of doing their opponents favors - this is a conscious choice - then every bit of doubt and derision the staff collected for donating undeserved advantages to the opposite sideline for too many moments of the 2024 season should evaporate.
First, in the gentle climate Southern California presents on New Year's Day (forecast: 69° and dry, nice). After that, exclusively in climate-controlled buildings closer to home.
Championships are won by seizing three critical elements. The first two are talent and strategy, which were symbiotic last weekend. The third is luck - it was a balmy 56° at 8pm yesterday in Ohio Stadium, one week to the minute after kickoff against the Volunteers. Probably wouldn't have changed the outcome, but it would have softened the punishment.
If Mother Nature is on Ohio's side, the rest of this tournament is on notice. Let's get Situational.
OPENER | AS YOU WISH
Will Howard passes the ball against the Tennessee Volunteers in the first half at Ohio Stadium on Saturday, Dec. 21, 2024 in Columbus, Ohio. © Samantha Madar/Columbus Dispatch / USA TODAY NETWORK via Imagn Images
Three weeks after being coached into a catastrophic loss, the opposite happened.
Will Howard finished with just two downfield passing attempts against Michigan - it shows up as zero on the stat sheet since they both turned into DPI penalties. This should have been a burning hot signal to Ohio State's coaching staff to keep doing that for the rest of the afternoon. They didn't see it, somehow.
Three weeks later, they finally saw it. Even better, they stopped overthinking.
It took five plays to surpass the Michigan game total for downfield passes, and Tennessee's defense all but quit with time still remaining in the 1st quarter. Howard went 4 of 5 on long downfield throws, the lone miss being an interception which should have been a DPI if the officiating crew wasn't committed to keeping a blowout interesting.
And that - shaking off a lousy turn of events - is the resounding takeaway from the Tennessee game. While it is comforting Ohio State's offensive brain trust was able to remove its collective head from Marty McFly's triggered ass, the team shook off a couple of extremely cursed moments and didn't recoil in terror.
The Buckeyes chose to just keep kicking ass instead. Cursed moments happen. Just move on.
Losing to the rancid dogshit version of the Wolverines that came to Ohio Stadium this season WAs totally unacceptable, and if Kirk Herbstreit thinks that's a "lunatic fringe" standard then words have lost their meaning.
That missed DPI in the endzone where Jeremiah Smith was being tackled while the ball was on its way to him, along with the completely manufactured roughing the passer penalty on Kenyatta Jackson which erased a Davison Igbinosun interception are the types of sequences which have derailed previous CFP engagements the Buckeyes were busy dominating.
Recently, Georgia sniffed out a fake punt which wouldn't have counted anyway. The Bulldogs benefited from replay booth reviews all night, from re-spotting the ball to ruling on targeting. Cursed moments happened, and Ohio State tightened up.
The Buckeyes were up 16-0 on Clemson in the 2019 Fiesta Bowl when Shawn Wade was ejected for targeting on what should have been a change-of-possession. They also had a fumble-six erased by officials, taking points off the board. Cursed moments disrupted their plan - because they allowed them to.
Pause your brain from relitigating those moments and accept how Ohio State performed for the rest of those games. The Buckeyes failed to control the Response in the E+R=O equation.
When officials decided Tennessee shouldn't be in a 28-0 hole, and then minutes later decided Ohio State shouldn't have the ball back the Buckeyes' coaching staff didn't crawl into a shell. The vibe didn't shift to the opposite sideline. The home team didn't diffuse its own momentum or tense up in the moment because a couple of events didn't go their way.
Jeremiah Smith celebrates his second TD against Tennessee. © Joseph Maiorana-Imagn Images
They kept firing away on both sides of the ball, a complete departure from how Ryan Day has managed big emotional swings in these types of games. Recall what happened right after CJ Stroud scrambled 27 yards to begin writing the end of Georgia's season. The Buckeyes had 100% of the momentum. Do you remember the very next play?
It was a boundary handoff to Colorado's current 4th string tailback destined to fail from the snap, a concept you saw throughout 2022 and 2023 that routinely went for no gain even if everything was blocked up correctly. That's not a plan to win when your team has the momentum.
That's not stepping on anyone's throat but your own. It's riding bench players and conservative concepts directly into a nightmare. Now fast-forward to Saturday night, where Chip Kelly was scheming ways to getting Smith and Emeka Egbuka matched up with linebackers downfield.
After those two officiating decisions helped Tennessee get on the scoreboard, the Buckeyes got possession on their own 25 with 19 seconds remaining in the half. Everyone knew what was coming next.
Howard would take a knee and go up 21-10 at the break...but then Kelly dialed up another counter and all of a sudden Ohio State moved the ball 37 yards on three plays, stopping the clock twice. Actively trying to score points instead of proving them.
This is all we've ever asked for from Day's teams. Relax in July, not with time on the clock.
Day did still pull his 5-star players off the field to settle for a field goal nine yards longer than anything his shaky kicker has ever made in his life, but this was still a moment of progress. Then the Buckeyes took the field after halftime and played like they had bet the over.
That 2022 Georgia loss is still spoken of with reverence while discussing Day's performances in big games because of how Ohio State played for most of the evening.
"EVIL RYAN DAY" ACTIVELY DESECRATED the Tennessee football program by doing One Simple Trick. He allowed his best players to DEFINE THE GAME PLAN.
It's easy to blame the officiating setbacks while forgetting how much runway Day gave Parker Fleming's unit on the way to a one-point loss - because wrapped up in the details is the enigma we've come to refer to as Evil Ryan Day. We love that guy.
ERD got the Ohio State head coaching job. He meshed Michigan to death in 2018, put up 73 on Maryland after their staff snitched on Chase Young and got him suspended. He put Dabo in a blender in the Superdome. He talked about hanging 100 on Michigan before it faked an outbreak to get out of proving him right.
Georgia was the only time ERD has ever lost in his brief and cameo-driven tenure, largely due to a junior high school defense (tough luck following Jeff Hafley's unexpected departure) and the worst special teams in program history (100% his own doing, as all mortals have weaknesses).
Aggression, creativity and a brand of football suitable for the roster he recruited - this is everything Buckeye fans want. If a better team beats Ohio State - like Alabama in 2020 or Georgia playing a home game - and the Buckeyes play like that then hey man, good game.
Ohio State fans don't expect perfection. They just don't accept willful identity theft.
Losing to the rancid dogshit version of the Wolverines that came to Ohio Stadium this season was totally unacceptable, and if Kirk Herbstreit thinks that's a lunatic fringe standard then words have lost their meaning and Ohio State should just change its name to Minnesota. ERD was nowhere to be found on Nov 30, and a lot of us were concerned if he skipped that game, he might not ever come back.
But he didn't. ERD was on the sideline Saturday, actively desecrating the Tennessee football program by doing One Simple Trick. He allowed his best players to define the game plan.
INTERMISSION
The Solo
The last time we had to tolerate the unforgivable phrase Defending National Champion Michigan Wolverines it was following the 1997 season. This year, intermissions will pay homage to that cursed year's Billboard Hot 100.
Lou Reed released Walk on the Wild Side in 1972. This imitable anthem of the era is about oral sex, doing drugs and the unquenchable thirst for always wanting more from life. Radio stations played the unedited version because early Seventies censorship boards weren't hip enough to understand what giving head meant in current slang.
Twenty-five years later Third Eye Blind released a response to Reed's anthem. Semi-Charmed Life is about oral sex, doing drugs and the unquenchable third for wanting more of life. Radio stations played the unedited version because as Y2K approached art had come up with too many sex euphemisms to track and censor.
Both songs contain famous non-lexical vocables, featuring respective doot-doot-doot doot-doot-doot stanzas echoing each other across generations. Let's answer our two questions.
is the musician in the video actually performing the non-lexical vocables?
The video doesn't show anyone singing the doot-doot-doot parts, despite the whole band partaking in the Wild Side homage. Artistic license keeps it mysterious. VERDICT: Yes, unconfirmed.
does this non-lexical vocable slap?
Front man Stephan Jenkins got famous during the decade for bullying his peers. His favorite target was Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas, whom he just decided to randomly fat shame. When pressed about it during an interview, this was his explanation:
Rolling Stone: What about Rob Thomas?
Jenkins: The guy in Matchbox 20? He's obsessed, he won't shut up about me. I don't know him.Rolling Stone: You never said he was fat?
Jenkins: I have no idea. But if I blew up to Elvis-like proportions, I would expect Rolling Stone to make fun of me and I would take it in stride.Rolling Stone: He said of you, "he is just walking, breathing, living cheese."
Jenkins: See? Even when he's talking about me he has to make food references.
If you learn one thing from this column, make it to avoid the lead singer of Third Eye Blind.
Perhaps it was all part of the Lou Reed tribute - he had famously beefed with Frank Zappa, David Bowie and The Who's Pete Townshend. Poking fun of Thomas closes the loop for the band's Walk on the Wild Side reverence, in perpetuity.
Just like the ocean under the moon - which is, of course, made of cheese. VERDICT: Slaps
The Bourbon
There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.
Four Roses Small Batch. Opulence for the masses.
Four Roses Small Batch has been the most accessible and cost-effective capital-P Premium bourbon on the market since its 2006 introduction into what was then a Hmm This Forgotten Brown Stuff Seems to be Making a Comeback market.
Two mash bills are blended for 4RSB, Corn/Rye/Malted Barley 75/20/5 & 60/35/5 with the latter pulling double duty - if you buy Four Roses Single Barrel, this is that (for $10 more). They're paired with five yeast strains, creating 10 recipes. I got that by timesing 5 by 2, I'm not a math guy please double-check if that looks wrong.
Four are blended together to produce 4RSB, which trades heat for lingering finish, if you're familiar with the fiery 4R1B experience. By contrast, 4RSB deposits a film on your tongue, lasing about 30 seconds post-sip.
The Buckeyes heading back to the Rose Bowl for the third time in seven seasons officially deems Pasadena accessible, a wild departure from the drought which deprived Ohio State fans of the quintessential Big Ten experience between 1985 and 2010.
They only punched this ticket three times during that stretch despite claiming eight conference titles - kept ending up in Arizona instead of California. That was weird, but not even in the same phylum of weirdness as the sentence The Rose Bowl is the second of hopefully four playoff games the Buckeyes will play this season.
Wait, the Granddaddy is a stepping stone now? Man, the future is disrespectful.
CLOSER | A REASON TO SEE YOU AGAIN
DeVier Posey catches a TD against Oregon linebacker Anthony Gildon to lock up the 2010 Rose Bowl for the Buckeyes. © Andrew Weber-Imagn Images
If Ohio State approaches its rematch with Oregon as a revenge mission, the Buckeyes' season will conclude in Pasadena. Revenge is a dish best served schematically.
Emotional game plans have been the resounding causes for Day's setbacks, as his toxic tendency to make recourse personal instead of strategic has converted opportunities into catastrophes. This game needs to be an ERD special. Oregon did nothing wrong.
If anything, Ohio State should thank Oregon for ending a seasons-long stalemate among the Buckeyes' defensive coaches in their conflicting philosophies. The Ducks won, and that side of the ball changed for the better.
10/12/24: Exchanging a win for a loss. via
Jim Knowles' defense hasn't allowed a passing touchdown since the final minute of the 1st half in Eugene, which means the Buckeyes are taking a seven-game, 30-quarter streak into Pasadena to face the most recent team to do it.
Ohio State lost that game seven different ways. The strategy should be 90% corrective action and 10% swindling, just enough trickery to get Oregon questioning its undefeated self. The best version of the Buckeyes should take care of the best version of Ducks.
Dan Lanning knew this and effectively orchestrated the theft of an Ohio State possession, which was difference-making. The Ducks also picked up on the pre-game rumblings that Quinshon Judkins was nursing a sore hand and went after it the moment he got his first carry, stealing another possession in plus-territory.
The rest was left up to Knowles' defense, which allowed Dillon Gabriel to construct a four-hour Heisman campaign on the tailwinds of No Pass Rush Whatsoever. That version of the Silver Bullets hasn't taken the field since that evening, because Day finally intervened and killed it.
Oregon got a two-week head start on bowl game packages and accommodations, which means the color imbalance in the stadium may approach the proportions Tennessee fans swore they were turning the Horseshoe into. But that holiday preparation time may have cost the no.1 seed momentum.
The three weeks since the Michigan game may have shocked the Buckeyes into becoming what they were always intended to be. Natty is as much of a choice as Bust. May they choose wisely.
Thanks for getting Situational today. Go Bucks. Beat Oregon. Happy New Year!
