WARNING: The content of the $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay is intended for mature audiences. Viewer discretion is highly advised. (Seriously.)
Our nation's 29th (and greatest) president, Warren Gamaliel Harding, was a renowned gambler, golfer and lover of life. As such, his sage wagering advice and stories of criminal bravado are brought here through the medieval art of necromancy.
Seeing as President Harding ushered us into economic success unheard of in human history (before being tragically assassinated by his jealous wife, causing the tanking of the economy), his words might as well be chiseled into stone tablets. (All views and opinions presented should only be considered those of President Warren G. Harding.)
LAST PARLAY: 1-2
SEASON: 1-5
HONEYPOT: -$20,000
As I am flesh and testament: a true underdog is never truly an underdog. From my humble upbringing in Marion — I literally rode a mule, much like the Jesus of Nazareth, into the City of Kings in 1882 — and also like the Jesus I've left an a trail of broken haters in my wake. All famous and some of legendary repute, but all suffered a similar fate for doubting me and mine.
At 19 years-old I had little more in my possession than the clothes on my back, an entrepreneurial attitude, and a massive cocaine habit. And yet, in the deepest throws of a cocaine bender, I decided to go into the newspaper business against the richest man in Marion/hardware tycoon, Amos H. Kling.
At the time Amos' Marion Independent was the paper of record in Marion County. What did I — a young buck with nothing but a spark in his eye and a rock in his pocket — know about the newspaper business? In a true twist of fate, my haters were right: I didn't know much of anything. But what they didn't know is I'm a quick learner.
Long story short, I used some connections at Marion's burgeoning rail station to hustle some key governmental connects. It wasn't long before my Marion Star supplanted the suddenly decrepit Marion Independent. It was like the American revolution all over again.
Poor Amos Kling. He thought he was the king of the hill, and he was, right up until the second that he wasn't. A second after that, I was married to his daughter, who looked like a rotting bag of cheap Chinese leather. I married ol' dude's daughter out of love, mind you, but because I'm an incorrigible prick. It's not enough for me to fuck you over, I have to show you how much I enjoy doing so.
Eventually, all men crumble, but some softer types crumble before others. A true underdog is never soft. You see, Amos Kling wasn't running numbers because he wasn't hungry enough.
Which is all why I chortled this morning after my morning frolick with two Latvian models in an opium haze-filled apartment overlooking a bustling market place in the Chatuchak District of Bangkok... Ohio State AND Les Miles are alleged to be underdogs? Because those two wildebeests strike me as two of the hungriest dogs in the street.
So, the question instantly became, who's regal enough to ride with Urban Meyer and a warlock?
Ohio State (+4), LSU (+6½), Indiana (+6½)– The $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay ($10K to win $60k)
Indiana (+6½). This might seem an odd pick, but Indiana is just like Ohio... except everything is worse. Indianapolis is not a bad city, don't get me wrong, but it would only be fourth, at best, in Ohio. I don't even know where Indiana University is, other than you know, Indiana.
And yet...
And yet we saw what happened last year when Northwestern staked their season on their primetime home game against Ohio State. Carlos Hyde broke those nerds in half and tombstoned their season on the spot.
I think we could see a similar fate for Penn State. They were effectively trolled by Maryland last week when the Terps didn't shake their scrawny little hands. You know what I said when Maryland did that? "Awesome." Because it was, but also because it's not 1898.
And then Maryland punked them, because sportsmanship is a joke, as are those over age 12 who believe in it.
LSU (+6½). Les Miles needs no introduction to my cadre; I know of a no more powerful warlock in the western hemisphere. If you've followed the $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay, Les Miles has won you hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Second point of analysis: Alabama. is. not. good. And Vegas is giving Les Miles a free life at home (where he's most powerful)? Prepare to meet your maker, Satan.
Ohio State (+4). I honestly don't remember the last Big Ten game I felt Ohio State was an underdog. Granted, drug use has whittled down my memory to mere masturbatory fragments and blurred faces, but Urban Meyer relishes the underdog role, and so do his teams.
Virginia Tech and Penn State? Ohio State was expected to win those game handily. Those games went as they did, but tomorrow night? Ohio State, much like me in the late 1800s, has nothing to lose.
There's nothing left to do now but go out there and shock the world. It's time to let those big brass balls swing in the wind.
