It's Friday, folks. Crack open that illegal FourLoko, kick your heels up, put on Chief Keef's "Hate Being Sober" and tell your boss "Nah" when he/she asks if you plan on doing any work today. (That stampede you're hearing is people over 30 rushing to the comments with "WHAT IN THE HELL DID I JUST LISTEN TO?!?!?" A banger, old timer, that's what.)
BRAXTON'S SHOULDER SURGERY. As Kyle broke yesterday, Braxton Miller will be undergoing (minor) shoulder surgery on his throwing arm today. He's expected to be ready for spring camp, but is this what it's like sending your kid off to school for the first time? Allowing the incarnation of your hopes and dreams to be taken into the hands of a complete stranger?
I know medicine has come along way over the years, but DOC YOU'VE GOT MY HEART SPLAYED OPEN ON THAT TABLE.
BERT BIELEMA IS A SCUMBAG. A week ago, it was reported Bert and Nick Saban were the leading forces in the NCAA rule committee's suggestion of implementing a 10-second "defensive substitution" period on every play.
Last night, Bert sunk to an even new low in his defense of a proposition that has widely been panned by any coach not named Bert Bielema or Nick Saban:
Bielema was asked about evidence regarding injuries. His answer: "Death certificates," referencing the death of a Cal football player.
— Troy Schulte (@TroySchulteADG) February 21, 2014
Yes, the corpse of Cal's Ted Agu, who collapsed and died during conditioning drills earlier this month, has barely cooled, and Bert has exhumed it and propped it up in defense of his own ridiculous proposition.
At this point, it's hard to tell what's more scummy: a vomit-caked urinal at the Bier Stube or Bert's black heart. If E. Gordon Gee can get shoved out the door over shitty, off-color jokes, then I fail to see why Bert should retain his job. He will though, because cockroaches never die.
It used to be comical bagging on Bert, but he has now proven, without a shadow of a doubt, he is detestable and only deserving of contempt.
I hope Arkansas loses every game by 150 this year and Bert's life spirals to the point he's forced to survive on the salary of a Chippendales' weekend janitor. Even then, that may be a fate far too kind.
THE NCAA'S GOT SOME TOUGH SLEDDING AHEAD. O'Bannon vs. the NCAA is scheduled to go to trial on June 9th. I've seen crack houses with more structural integrity than the NCAA, and I hope their case goes down in flames and wreckage similar to that of the Hindenburg's.
So these words, from my new favorite judge Claudia Wilken, warm my heart:
Judge Wilken to NCAA: "if a football game is a first amendment activity, how can they license an exclusive deal to one network?"
— Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) February 20, 2014
Judge Wilken to NCAA: why can't schools pay a broadcast licensing fee to athletes and put into a trust for after they leave?
— Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) February 20, 2014
Judge Wilken on amateurism justification: "I don't think amateurism is going to be a useful word here."
— Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) February 20, 2014
Judge to NCAA: "Maybe you could enforce more competitive balance by addressing coaches salaries."
— Stewart Mandel (@slmandel) February 20, 2014
Sorry, NCAA, but your typical ruses and hustles aren't going to fly in the court of Claudia Wilken.
The NCAA had its chance at real reform for the last two decades. Instead, they pushed the buck and dug their grubby little fingers deeper into the cookie jar. Their reckoning is coming, and I couldn't be happier. For so long they've been the bully, I hope they get their teeth knocked down their throats this summer.
EVIDENCE OSU IS REALLY SEC. This map was taken from Twitter user @JonYe_West_, and he's absolutely right; Ohio State should be in the SEC:
The proof is in the scattered and jalapeno'd hashbrowns, folks.
I, for one, would welcome a move to the SEC. I'm tired of Ohio State having to support the likes of Purdue, Illinois and soon enough Rutgers and Maryland. When was the last time sorry-ass Purdue committed an NCAA violation chasing football glory!?!?
Hell, scrap the SEC and just put the new conference under the prestigious Waffle House banner. (There's a Waffle House between 12th and 13th on High Street, for those who haven't been in Columbus for a cold minute.)
And allow me put you onto game of the true Waffle House power-move: two waffles with extra extra extra peanut butter chips; fold those things like a taco and eat them with your hands because THIS IS AMERICA. And don't you dare bring that IHOP or Bob Evans garbage in here unless you want your soul crumpled up like an empty Natty Light can.
JEFF GREENE LEARNS IT'S A COLD WORLD. Big things are expected from Georgia Tech transfer and 6'5" man Jeff Greene. The wide receiver is still learning how the world spins, though:
Girls these days are just as heartless as guys lol how you go from dating a guy one minute to dating his teammate a month later
— Jeff Greene (@JGreene_8) February 21, 2014
Here's a pro-tip, Mr. Greene: 98.9% of humans are garbage; it's just a matter if you're a walking septic tank like Bert Bielema or you feel guilt about being terrible. It's a cold world out here, friends — stay warm.
THOSE WMDs. Lil Chuuuch's "Good Luck" (NSFW) is my new favorite rap video... One and a half hours of the Rock's greatest moments... A haunting before/after picture of Kiev's Independence Square... Alex, I'll take, hmmmm...... Found: Phone. Texted: A moron... Rustin Cohle, guidance counselor... The Facebook comment that ruined a life... Joe Namath has a Benjamin Button thing going on since the Super Bowl... New app will fight parking tickets for you...
