Because I don't generally pay attention to calendars other than figuring out the title of the Skull Session I'm writing, I didn't realize this coming weekend is Memorial Day weekend.
Looks like there will be some extra memorializing to do, because chances are I will kill a man this week due the rage I feel having to wait an extra week for the next Game of Thrones episode.
"Holidays" — and "people" bringing enough custom orders into Chipotle to feed a small army — continue to ruin my life. Consider me aggrieved on this forgettable morning.
But before we begin, here are some things you might have missed during your self-loathing-induced weekend bender:
- The Alumni Association of the University of Michigan has turned to Groupon (yes, that Groupon) in effort to drum up membership. For a mere $69, you can get sweet discounts on Dell computers and Avis car rentals!
- Eleven Warriors' John Brandon has the latest on Tom Herman checking in on the electric Christian Kirk, Justin Hilliard's latest visit and Ohio State offering an 8th grader. (That last bit makes me want to stop following college football.)
- The lady's rowing team is champions of the Big Ten. Hooray, rowing!!!!111
CHRISTIAN BRYANT IS AN ARTIST. Christian Bryant developed into quite the player at Ohio State. So much so the St. Louis Rams took the former Buckeye safety with a seventh round pick despite him missing all but three and three-quarters of conference play.
It looks like if football doesn't work out though, he could forge himself a career in the arts:
Lol came across this self potrait that @2CBryant did of me during the season. pic.twitter.com/SVylkP7xYg
— Tyvis Powell (@1Tyvis) May 18, 2014
Slow news day? Maybe. But good golly, everything about this tweet/picture amuses me.
HOGZILLA IS UPON US. It looks like SEC teams are upping the salaries of their graphics department, you guys:
#WoooPig pic.twitter.com/n93LZ4zZiv
— Bret Bielema (@BretBielema) May 18, 2014
When I saw this, I thought: "Wow, that sure doesn't look like the Hogzilla I remember."
Hogzilla? Nah. Bretzilla! #Arkansas Football 2014. (@SEC_Logo @edsbs @SBNationCFB @Arkansas_Logo) pic.twitter.com/mwk0Lmgn2r
— Jeff D Lowe (@JeffDLowe) May 18, 2014
There we go. But unfortunately, Jeff, I'm docking points because you failed to roll with the obvious "Bertzilla." KNOW YOUR MEMES, BIG GUY.
Spencer Hall, however, won the day:
Appropriate, because he's destroying his own stadium RT @BretBielema: #WoooPig pic.twitter.com/9zxNXWoeVc
— Spencer Hall (@edsbs) May 18, 2014
How did people survive the off-season without the internet or Twitter?
Actually, how did people survive life in general? It's always baffled me.
How were arguments settled? By promising to consult an encyclopedia when they got home? Did people carry maps in their cars for impromptu trips to a fabled Arby's in an adjacent suburb? Did they visit their friends — unannounced — out of sheer boredom?
*solemnly removes hat*
Condolences to everybody who suffered through those dark ages.
WE ALMOST GAVE ILLINOIS THE BOOT, Y'ALL. Like most people with a functioning brain, I've been clamoring for the Big Ten to cut some dead weight for awhile. Looks like there might be a bit of precedent.
From a 1967 Sports Illustrated:
"Oh, my goodness, not Illinois ." When those words were uttered more than two months ago by Big Ten Commissioner Bill Reed, the famed old athletic conference in the Midwest was thrust into soul-searching turmoil once again. A slush fund for football and basketball players had been uncovered at the University of Illinois, heretofore a simon-pure, charter member of the league with traditions predating the folklore deeds of Red Grange. But even the revelation of Illinois' sins did not rival the surprise that came late last week when the athletic directors of the Big Ten, following a formal meeting, recommended the harshest punishment in the history of the conference, the firing of the Illinois coaches concerned. Suddenly the entire Big Ten was saying, "Oh, my goodness."
The evidence was reported to be both mountainous and indisputable. Illinois, spotlessly clean since the Big Tenwas originated as the Western Conference back in 1896, had cheated by violating the conference rule that forbids the payment of anything in excess of room, board, tuition and fees to athletes. It was understood there were records to prove that a total of $21,000 had been doled out to various football and basketball stars over the past five and a half years—money given away at the somewhat notorious indiscretion of coaches and officials in the athletic department of the university.
[...]
Precisely because of these misdeeds on the part of other members, Illinois—after blowing the whistle on itself—had blithely expected its violation to be treated benevolently by the athletic directors when they met to consider the case last week in Chicago. But the Illini promptly got that second jolt—one that did as much as the original disclosure to point up the evils that lurk in collegiate athletics. Reportedly by a unanimous ( Illinois abstaining) vote, and after fairly brief debate, the athletic directors, including ex-offenders Biggie Munn and Forest Evashevski, called for Illinois to fire Elliott, Combes and Braun or "show cause" why the university should not be suspended or dropped from Big Ten membership. Pow, whack, thump.
What a welcome change of pace: Illinois (and the Big Ten) openly "cheating" to win.
My question is thus: Can the Big Ten kick Purdue out for not "cheating"? There are eunuchs with more testicular fortitude than the NCAA enforcement department at the moment... and yet what do the Boilermakers do besides cash their BTN money and put it into their engineering department?
Big Ten football disgusts me, and the menu for 2014 doesn't look too pleasing either. The B1G used to openly "cheat" and the championships were thick.
Now their claim to fame is creating a cable station that make the likes of Purdue and other scrubs tens of millions of dollars a year. Unfortunately, I don't see any of those millions, and I have no interest in watching Purdue and Minnesota "play football" on BTN. I'd rather watch mold grow between my shower's tiles.
When you think about it, it's no wonder footballers are choosing Kentucky over middling and bottom-feeding Big Ten programs. It's not going to stop, either.
SPARTY NOOOOO. This is depressing. From Michigan State punter Mike Sadler:
Graduating HS seniors: @Connor_Cook03 and I want to crash your grad parties. Tweet us date & location and we might just show up!
— Mike Sadler (@Sadler_3) May 18, 2014
You're not "crashing" anything if you were invited. That's literally the antithesis of the definition of crashing a party.
Somebody also needs to tell these guys when you graduate high school... it instantly becomes creepy to hang out with anybody still in high school, even your close friends or blood relatives. I don't care if someone's parents think graduating high school in 2014 is an accomplishment worthy of a s'mores bar.
As my high school career proves: All that's required to graduate high school is a pulse. Throwing a party for a kid graduating high school is akin to throwing a party for a kid who just returned from their maiden voyage to Wendy's in an effort to stave off starvation.
THOSE WMDs. #Crew96 is struggling but Pippa is still a magical Argentine... When Sallie Mae calls your mama's house and she says, "Yes, hold on..."... The very first color photographs of the United States... Babe Ruth, KO'd... And people wonder why I don't eat seafood... California Chrome could miss Belmont Stakes due to nasal strip controversy... Darth Vader at bat in Japanese baseball league... Andrea Pirlo will never die... The Rise of Nintendo...
