Almost bludgeoned a man to death yesterday with my girlfriend's waffle iron. Like everyone under the age of 30, talking on the phone (or even the idea of talking on the phone) fills me with crippling anxiety.
And here I am, conducting an interview with a man who is in Urban Meyer's circle of trust, and my neighbor pounds on my door like it's Friday night and the gang is in the cab and waiting for me to finish my makeup.
Strikes one, two and three.
So I answer it, give him the "one second, friend" finger-motion/glare and close the door. THIS DUDE WALKS INTO MY HOUSE LIKE I INVITED HIM IN. Strike 12, red alert!!!
The thought of smashing him in the face with the waffle iron was on the precipice of my mind, and I only would've regretted it had I been arrested for felonious assault.
So yeah, just a PSA: Next human trashcan/millennial you see talking on the phone: GIVE THEM SPACE. They're already paralyzed by anxiety as it is. Last thing we need is some goofball overloading our single-tracked minds with more spoken words.
GREAT TIME TO BET ON THE BUCKS. Ohio State's title odds have likely hit rock bottom, and now is a good time to bet on the Buckeyes, says Bleacher Report's Ben Kercheval. He says Ohio State has the best value in the country.
And, as of mid-August, Ohio State has one preseason top-25 team on its schedule: No. 8 Michigan State on November 8. That's not to say the Buckeyes won't be challenged before then, but that does give the offense time to iron out wrinkles.
The odds may have dipped out of Ohio State's favor, and for all anyone knows, Miller's injury could cost the team a game or two it might have normally won.
That said, there are still plenty of reasons to like Ohio State and their title chances in 2014. Putting the Buckeyes at 50-1 odds seems like a steal.
I don't bet because gambling is illegal, and I walk the straight-and-narrow. BUT IF GAMBLING WERE LEGAL, I would only bet on dark horses. Dark horses are the only teams worth betting on, you see, and they're the most fun to cheer for.
NFL PERSONNEL GUY: BRAXTON MILLER WISE TO RETURN. Braxton says he'll return to lead Ohio State in 2015, but I could envision a few scenarios in which the quarterback, who is a father, turns professional instead.
At least one NFL personnel official, however, feels Miller is wise to return to Ohio State regardless:
Spoke to an NFL personnel guy who said Braxton Miller should return to #OSU in '15:"He needs more reps. His stuff on film looks REALLY raw."
— Bruce Feldman (@BruceFeldmanCFB) August 20, 2014
Braxton's saving grace is that he's an NFL athlete. If he never returns to Ohio State, all he has to do is relent to a position change. Antwaan Randle El had a venerable career, and Braxton has a lot more utility than ol' Antwaan.
J.T. BARRETT CAN CUT A RUG. JTB4 is no Braxton Miller while running the football, but there ain't no shame in that. Don't get it twisted, though: Barrett can still slither if the defense forces his legs:
“J.T. has got some moves, a lot of people don’t know it because nobody has seen him play. He’ll mess up a defense if you give him a chance.”
Defenses better hope Barrett doesn't get his sea legs under him.
BAMA IS DEAD. LONG LIVE BAMA. I honestly didn't know if this was satire or not until about a third of the way through. At first, I disagreed with the thesis, but honestly, I walked away buying some of the hype.
From SB Nation's West Virginia blog, The Smoking Musket:
They are the best, they own your mind and the train rumbles on as their dominance takes on a near-supernatural form. Talking heads give them the benefit of the doubt on TV, every break seems to roll their way and even calls by the ref seem to fall in their favor. Inevitability is a powerful thing, and it is THEIR powerful thing. It feels like it will last forever.
Until Something happens. Because its always Something. An unexpected Something. A seminal moment when the invincibility is finally stripped away and the spell is broken. A ballsy gamble, a freak play or simply a quirk of fate, there's a point when the giant is struck and staggers. Rocky sneaks in that quick jab to Ivan Drago's face and the world is reminded that he too, bleeds. We stand incredulous as Duke screams in our collective faces "You cut him, you hurt him! You see!! He's not a machine, HE'S A MAN!!"
[...]
Armed with this understanding of history, it seems a certainty that Auburn's unthinkable Kick Six has been the jolt to the system required to break the spell of Saban. It doesn't get any more unlikely than winning a game with a play that has only been made 4 times in the 144 year history of the sport - and had NEVER ended a game. In one fell swoop,Chris Davis ended Alabama's 16 game win streak, extinguished any hope of a 3rd straight Tide title and finally tore a massive 109-yard gash in the notion of Nick Saban as an infallible football mind.
Granted, Buster Douglas got saved by a Tokyo long count, but I always think of him knocking out Iron Mike Tyson when I think of somebody losing their invincible aura.
I'm not 100% ready to throw a tombstone over Alabama, and yet...
MY NEW WALLPAPER. Michigan gets a web redemption in two weeks with the Ghost of Christmas Past, aka Appalachian State.
I was in Montana at that time — BTN was still in its infancy — and I quit watching the Wolverines/Mountaineers game to walk to Montana's high noon banger. I remember thinking, "Not even Michigan is sorry enough to lose to a D-1AA school."
Lo! Michigan was sorry enough to lose to a D-1AA school. At home. It really happened:
Surprisingly, Michigan's die-hard fanbase isn't gobbling up tickets to the rematch.
Meanwhile, my new wallpaper surfaced yesterday. Via r/CFB (click to enlarge):
Appalachian State is going to give Michigan a game; you can bet the rent money on that. If the mighty Mountaineers can keep it close going into the fourth quarter... Brady Hoke might end up in the bread line by August 31st.
THOSE WMDs. Former AAU kingpin. “It’s a lot easier being a drug dealer than an AAU coach"... ChipKellyDivingIntoBlowUpPool.GIF is oddly hypnotic... UCF-Penn State in Ireland may be called off due to Icelandic volcano... Vince Young wishes he would have returned for his senior year... TOO SOON... Zach Smith taunting the DBs on Twitter.
