Let it be known: Rutgers is not bad. The Scarlet Knights rolled into Detroit last night, took North Carolina's lunch pale, assaulted them with it, and then laced the pepperoni pizza Lunchable with the Tarheels' ashen remains.
Before we continue, however, I ask you unscrew your forty; Cardinal Nasrallah has a few words:
RIP, Pat Forde's B1G 0-10 in Bowls prediction: 12/26/14 - 12/26/14
— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) December 27, 2014
Thank you, Cardinal. RIP, #PatFordeProphecy, indeed.
But Forde wasn't 100% wrong on the night, only a crisp 50%, because Illinois might be the new Purdue.
Tim Beckman was 33-40 at Illinois before last night, and he got another L hung on him when his Illini were mugged in Dallas. That's not so much of a headline until you realize Illinois' opponent was five-loss Louisiana Tech. (Reminder: Illinois could've fired Beckman and hired Tom Herman, Ed Warinner, Pat Narduzzi, or Bo Pelini. Beckman will instead be prowling Illinois' sidelines next year. (I would not spend a single cent on that team if I were a fan.)
| Time (ET PM) | BOWL | Matchup | Favorite | TV |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1:00 | MILITARY | CINCINNATI vs. VIRGINIA TECH | CIN (-2½) | ESPN |
| 2:00 | SUN | No. 15 ARIZONA STATE vs. DUKE | ASU (-7½) | CBS |
| 3:30 | INDEPENDENCE | MIAMI (FL) vs. SOUTH CAROLINA | DA U (-3½) | ABC |
| 4:30 | PINSTRIPE | BOSTON COLLEGE vs. PENN STATE | BC (-3) | ESPN |
| 8:00 | HOLIDAY | SOUTHERN CAL vs. NEBRASKA | USC (-7½) | ESPN |
I am so glad the only Virginia Tech score I'll likely ever care about again is the one next year in Blacksburg to open the 2015 season. Every week those soft-types were getting their brains battered by some random gang of stiffs like Wake Forest. NO MORE.
(Ohio State (-60) might not be high enough next year in the Burg, btw.)
As for the rest of that slate... y'all can have that. I'll be getting my cankles massaged by a stranger at some hustle spot on the East Side. Gotta get my body right for #BeatBama week. (I'm not sure I would actually shiv a man to be back in college next week, but I'd think hard and long about it.)
GOOD NEWS. Yesterday, I posted about the Alabama fan with a Youtube account who says Alabama is good and Ohio State is bad. A lot of commenters said it should be shown to everyone on the team.
Well, it's not a retweet from everyone on the team, but it's from the reigning king of the slobs:
If Ohio State loses, I will hunt that Alabama man down and demand a reaction video. The nation would deserve that video.
WHO IN THE HELL SIGNED THE HULK? Hulk would make for an intimidating linebacker or running back.
Alabama, Oregon, Florida St., Ohio St. are IN for 1st #CFBPlayoff New Years Day on @espn. The Hulk is IN. Are you? pic.twitter.com/qoCBM0hWUZ
— Walt Disney Pictures (@DisneyPictures) December 26, 2014
PLAYOFF STICKER SOILS REGALIA. I take it all back. I don't want Ohio State in the playoffs anymore.
My question is: Why?
"Say, honey, what's that gold vaginal decal thing above the tribute decal to the player who tragically committed suicide?"
"Why, that's the College Football Playoffs logo, dear. We're watching that thing, the College Football Playoffs, right now on our television at our home, in our bedroom, in the bed in which we sometimes accidentally bump genitals."
"Why are you talking to me like I have Alzheimer's?"
Not to get all #takey this early in the morning, but it'd sure be swell if college presidents would wake the hell up and take back the game from the suits exploiting the sport we all love.
HERE IS, UH, A SUGAR BOWL ANTHEM. Here is an Ohio State Sugar Bowl song — apparently a sequel!? — I don't know, man.
Straight #banger there, Don Cary. Can't wait to tub-thump this at 6 a.m. on Thursday while looking for a meaty vein on my arm to use as a launching pad for my FourLoko injection.
HAAAAARRRBAUGHHH!!!! Jim Harbaugh already coaches Michigan in my mind, and that's a good thing for Ohio State. As a man who does cheers for a team coached by Urban Meyer, I do not fear Jim Harbaugh.
(As I said over here, it's more thrilling to watch Michigan get its back broken when its spine isn't composed of baby shit.)
Last night, though, we got our first "all but done" report, albeit with the typical escape routes.
Source says Michigan Officials are in San Francisco. Sunday vs. AZ could be Jim Harbaugh's last game as 49ers Coach. #JimHarbaugh
— Joe Pequeno (@JoePequenoCBS5) December 26, 2014
Source says, 49ers and Michigan have worked out a deal. Nothing signed, but UM Officials feel confident Jim Harbaugh will be new coach.
— Joe Pequeno (@JoePequenoCBS5) December 27, 2014
Source says, Harbaugh will tell SF team after Sunday's game and be introduced Tuesday. Once again, nothing signed, but UM confident.
— Joe Pequeno (@JoePequenoCBS5) December 27, 2014
(FWIW: It's going down according to a Michigan Man who lifts weights at Youngstown's Creekside Fitness Center, a gym also frequented by the cousin of potential Michigan DC D.J. Durkin/father of Virginia Tech freshman quarterback Chris Durkin.)
Now, if I were Jim Harbaugh, a real serious man who carries vendettas, and I wanted to absolutely eviscerate my former employer who had me under contract... I would do exactly what Harbaugh is doing.
I'd let it leak I was going to Michigan, and I'd let the 49ers release me from my contract, which would be a required prerequisite. And then as soon as the 49ers dropped me, I'd pick up the phone and call thirsty-ass Mark Davis, the "owner" of the Oakland Raiders, and I'd list my demands. I assume Mark Davis would crumble faster than a stale cupcake.
Michigan fans may be salty, but they're not handing out the keys to an NFL franchise or lining your grandkids' trust funds. You also wouldn't have to move, which even for a rich man who can point at pool tables in the Yay and make it appear in Ann Arbor, still sucks.
But hey, that's just how one well-adjusted blogger would strike back at his enemies, but I think that's the ultimate check-mate.
THOSE WMDs. New trailer for Better Call Saul has me juiced... Developer Doug Borror discusses the future of the Short North... Steve Spurrier claims Jeremy Shockey misquoted him in The U: Part 2... Pics from yesterday's West Brom-Man City fixture are wonderful... We Went There: The big, sad Burt Reynolds memorabilia auction in Las Vegas... This picture pains me.
