It's been a few hours and I'm still not sure which Vine from Ohio State's 69(nice!)-67 victory over Northwestern entertains me more.
The one where Northwestern's coach looks like he's tripping out on bath salts due to a missed goaltending call:
Or Patient 0's dynamite bounce pass:
Probably Russell's throw pass. Where is your calculus god now, nerds!? Hahaha, dang I love it because their numbers couldn't save them.
But why are people complaining about D'Angelo Russell being an obvious one-and-done? The fact Russell will (rightfully) be making millions of dollars off his insane talent next year does not hamper me from enjoying his 33-point eruption (on 17 shots!) last night.
Do I wish I could watch him at Ohio State next year? Yes, and the next 100 after that. We're lucky to even see him play in the scarlet and gray for one year.
This week's NSFW ANTI-WORK #BOYD #BANGERS:
- Introducing Boyd Crowder.
- The sermon of Boyd Crowder.
- King Boyd? King Boyd.
WARINNER READY TO ROLL. Speaking of guys Ohio State is lucky to retain for a year... offensive coordinator Ed Warinner chatted with Tim May of Dispatch.com:
“I’ve worked on a lot of different teams, and I’ve been in a lot of scenarios, so I bring a lot of experience,” Warinner said. “And I think I understand the players that we have in the program on offense, and I understand coach Meyer’s philosophy on offense.
“We have a system. We’re going to stick to that system, and we’re going to continue to grow and enhance it … to make sure the playmakers get the ball.”
“‘You can’t sleep on the game;’ that’s a phrase coach Meyer uses,” Warinner said. “We have to grow. We have to advance so that people don’t figure us out and so that we’re one step ahead of them. We’ll look for new wrinkles to enhance the offense, to grow, and to keep defenses off balance.”
Well, if it ain't broke just make sure to evolve it. (That was my Tamagotchi motto. Damn, the 1990s were wild.)
As for Warinner being the offensive coordinator, I couldn't be more excited. The country will be so shook next year when Pat Elflein lines up under center behind ten other offensive linemen. (An all-slob package would give me one of those mystical four hour erections that's listed "as a side effect" on Viagra.)
CHAMPIONSHIP RAINMAKING. According to documents obtained by cleveland.com's Doug Lesmerises, Ohio State's assistants (including strength sensei Mickey Marotti) re-worked their contracts for increased performance incentives back in August. It was a prescient move to say the least.
| NAME | POSITION | BONUS |
|---|---|---|
| GENE SMITH | ATHLETIC DIRECTOR | $120,000 |
| URBAN MEYER | HEAD COACH | $400,000 |
| TOM HERMAN | OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR | $206,250 |
| LUKE FICKELL | DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR | $225,000 |
| CHRIS ASH | DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR | $195,000 |
| ED WARINNER | OFFENSIVE LINE COACH | $150,014 |
| LARRY JOHNSON | DEFENSIVE LINE COACH | $150,000 |
| KERRY COOMBS | CB COACH/SPECIAL TEAMS COORDINATOR | $112,500 |
| STAN DRAYTON | RUNNING BACKS COACH | $110,625 |
| TIM HINTON | TIGHT ENDS COACH | $107,252 |
| ZACH SMITH | WIDE RECEIVERS COACH | $63,764 |
| MICKEY MAROTTI | STRENGTH SENSEI | $144,750 |
That's a total of $1,985,155.
Two things here: One, they're running out of reasons not to pay players; two, I would openly weep in the street if I woke up to a $63,764 windfall. (You would find me dead in a gutter on the west side of Marion three moons hence.)
Regardless, it's good to see talent get rewarded.
CARDALE JONES SEEN CHATTING WITH ACCUSED CRIME BOSS. The Iron King, Cardale Jones, Poacher of Badgers, Controller of Tides, Slayer of Ducks, Troll Sultan, and 12th Son of Ohio, was in attendance at last night's Cleveland Sports Awards.
At this point, I would fight Mike Tyson if he disrespected No. 12:
The evening, however, took a much darker turn when this picture surfaced on the internet:
I'd be more comfortable with pictures of Cardale Jones snorting methamphetamine in the bathroom of an Alabama Hooters than I am with a picture of him standing next to an (alleged) swindler like Jimmy Haslam.
I hope Cardale looked to be in good spirits because Haslam promised Dolodale he wouldn't be drafted by the Cleveland Browns.
HERMAN GAVE HIS SON "DANGER" AS A MIDDLE NAME. Tom Herman, Houston coach and old friend of the program, appeared on Bruce Feldman's podcast. I'm not one for podcasts, but this was a solid 26 and a half minutes.
My favorite part: Herman said Cardale going wide on that 4th-and-1 sneak against Oregon was an ad-lib. "We don't practice that."
Long live the King.
GOOD GUY TYVIS POWELL. Tyvis Powell earned some headlines yesterday for trolling the Heisman finalists. It was an excellent troll worthy of the headlines, but I wanted to make sure Powell got props for his more worthwhile endeavors:
I feel like this is a golden era of Ohio State footballer likability. I'd defer to the old-timers, but at this point I feel like I'm cheering for a team of Gandhis. I suspect this is the opposite of what it's like to cheer for Florida State.
OH! YOU ALMOST HAD IT, MICHIGAN. Tyvis wasn't the only one with an elite trolling effort yesterday. Check out 2015 early-enrollee Jashon Cornell's #ThrowbackThursday:
From left to right: Jashon Cornell (four-star DE, enrolled at Ohio State); Matthew Burrell, four-star OL, committed to Ohio State), some inconsequential white guy, Tim Settle (four-star DL committed to Virginia Tech), and at the bottom: George Campbell (five-star WR, enrolled at Florida State).
And while Michigan missed on all of them, the No. 99 class in the country isn't a bad consolation prize. (By the way: A Michigan writer said UM's 2015 football season could be its worst in 30 years.)
THOSE WMDs. OSUQBRiches.jpeg... Seems like a conflict of interest... Death by cassowary sounds awful... I want to party with this man... How every Super Bowl starter was ranked as a high school prospect... This is everything hilariously awful about NFL media...
