Friday Skull Session

If you're around Columbus tonight — I ain't here to judge if y'aint — come check out the Eleven Warriors Spring Game Banger at Park Street Tavern (not to be confused with Park Street Patio, which is bad). Party starts at 8. 

Full details are over here, but don't forget to bring canned goods. Also, please do me the courtesy of letting me catch a buzz before you shiv me.

This week's NSFW ANTI-WORK #BANGERS:

• It's 2015, and  Dr. Dre and Snoop Dog's Up in Smoke video intro is still the best.
• The shootings of Raylan Givens.
• Classic: The Undertaker throws Mankind off the top of the steel cage.

BIG BEAR IN FOR BIG YEAR. Joey Bosa, the Big Bear, is headed for a big year. That much is known. But just how special is Ohio State's whirling dervish?

From Ryan Ginn of Scout.com:

His pro prospects are legitimate. Mike Detillier, a veteran draft analyst who has been producing his draft report long enough to have scouted Bosa’s father and uncle (both of whom were taken with the 16th overall pick), said he believes Bosa is currently one of the top five players available for the 2016 draft.

He even took that praise a step further, saying that Bosa would be one of the top players taken if he were eligible for this year’s draft as a sophomore.

“If he were in this draft class, he’s possibly the top defensive end off the board and one of the top players period,” Detillier said. “I’ll put it to you this way – he doesn’t have a lot of negatives. We’re talking about a 20-year-old kid. He’s not even fully physically developed yet. That’s what’s so striking about him. He’s still developing and yet he’s a dominant player.”

I saw Bosa at Friday Night Lights before his senior season, and if somebody told me he was in the NFL I would've believed them. That's how physically imposing he was before he even entered Mick Marotti's dojo.

And that's why I hate when people say, "Joey Bosa is the next J.J. Watt." When J.J. Watt was Joey's age, he was delivering pizzas. J.J. Watt is a monster, but Bosa will be better than him as long as he stays on his grind, which is obviously much easier said than done.

NUT STORIES. I was under the impression Brutii were sworn to an oath of Omertà, but it looks like that's not the case.

From Dispatch.com:

Perhaps the most famous Brutus incident happened in September 2010, when Brutus (played that day by Sean Stazen) was tackled during pregame by Rufus, the Ohio University mascot (aka Brandon Hanning).

“Sean is a great guy, and the best part of that was he was mature enough not to get into a brawl,” [former Brutus roleplayer Ian] Schmitt said. “He knew kids were watching, and that we are role models. So he didn’t retaliate, he never broke character, and he went on and had a great game.”

Yeah, there were kids watching. Me.

In 2010, I was 23-years-old. Do you know how much guff I took from my Ohio U friends on that one day they pretended to be Ohio U football fans? It's a good thing Boo Jackson didn't play for that 2010 team.

Call me old school if you want, but Rufus should've been flayed, and his flesh should've been spoon-fed to the smallest children in attendance as a new age fable as to what happens when you try to punk Brutus in the middle of the Horseshoe.

STOP READING. GO BET ON TOM HERMAN'S HOUSTON. The only thing stopping me from selling a kidney to bet on Tom Herman against Bobby Petrino in Week 2 is that Marion's greatest athlete from this millennium plays for the Cardinals. 

From Andy Staples of SI.com:

All this familiarity has led to a head coach who is far more at ease three months into the job than he thought he would be. “I’ve been surprisingly relaxed,” Herman said. On Saturday Herman interrupted a fire-and-brimstone pre-scrimmage speech to poke fun at his newness and razz senior offensive tackle Zach Johnson. Herman had spent the previous few minutes talking about the demon of self-doubt that creeps into tired bodies. His point: Players face tougher opposition from themselves than from the man across the line of scrimmage. “I care how you do today against Zach Johnson,” Herman said, pointing at Johnson. “Or whatever your name is. Is it Zach Johnson?” “Yes sir,” Johnson replied as his teammates giggled.

How loose is Herman? His old coworkers in Columbus occasionally call him, put him on speaker and ask him to tell a joke to liven up staff meetings. It’s a safe bet that when Meyer left Notre Dame to become Bowling Green’s head coach in 2001, the Fighting Irish staff didn’t dial up its former receivers coach for comic relief.

The one thing that shocked me about this article: It did not mention Tom Herman's MENSA membership. I hope poor Andy Staples has a good attorney, because failing to mention Herman's MENSA membership is a class-2 felony.

FAST ACTION MALCOLM BRANSON. What kind of doors can open for competitors in Saturday's fastest student race?

From James Grega, Jr. of TheLantern.com:

About a year ago, senior Malcolm Branson was racing against fellow students, including Ohio State football players, at halftime of the 2014 Spring Game at Ohio Stadium.

[...]

Just months after taking on then-OSU football player Doran Grant in the fastest-student race on April 12, 2014, Branson was contacted by OSU associate head track coach Rosalind Joseph to gauge his interest in trying out for the track program.

“I was shocked if anything, and she said, ‘Do you wanna give it a try?’ And I said, ‘Yeah,’” Branson told The Lantern. “I definitely wanted a shot to be an athlete again. I had to jump on it.”

Branson went on to earn himself a walk-on spot.

I, on the other hand, am still waiting for some shadowy figure to contact me and ask me if I want to be an athlete again. Maybe it will happen today. 

THE GREATEST COACH COOMBS GIF. This is how I assume people over 35 look when they read my work:

Couldn't help myself. Had to GIF it. pic.twitter.com/FupmtiI2Jz

— Jeff Svoboda (@JeffSvoboda) April 16, 2015

For the record: That's Coombs reacting to a student's kick during Student Appreciation Day. (Video over here.)

Is there any story about Kerry Coombs you wouldn't believe? If somebody told me he choked out a rhinoceros last week during a Wednesday lunch hour at the Columbus Zoo I wouldn't be surprised. "Well," I'd say, "That rhino shouldn't have been talking shit to a man with two Lokos in each hand."

LET'S CAST DOWN TROLLS IN 2015. Fact: Clay Travis blocked me after I reminded him about his wife while he ogled college women on the internet like a creepy, secluded man in a western Montanan shed.

From Andrew Bucholtz of AwfulAnnouncing.com:

Travis said in the past that his current OKTC/FoxSports.com agreement ends June 30, 2015; we don’t know when his other arrangements with Fox, in particular his TV deal, expire. Is Fox Sports likely to keep a lightning rod like Travis around and potentially even expand his role at the network (in a page out of the Skip Bayless playbook) even if there is public criticism that comes from colleagues? Is it wise for Fox to give Travis the amount of editorial freedom he says he has? And could Travis’ outspoken and controversial pieces hurt the network’s ability to attract and retain talent and/or future rights deals?

You might be shocked to learn Clay Travis, who may or may not be the Unabomber, is still a thing. I was too. But remind yourself: We live in a country where a man became a millionaire by selling painted rocks to strangers.

"But DJ you just helped his #brand by saying his name. Plus, the Unabomber hated technology." 

Is that so? Well, I'm a millennial. I don't know anything or have any life skills.

Clay Travis is the Unabomber.

LET THE RECORD FOREVER SHOW: Michigan broke.

From Angelique S. Chengelis of DetroitNews.com:

The University of Michigan football program has for years proudly extolled its streak of 100,000-plus crowds at Michigan Stadium games, which is at 258, but preserving that mark last season required an enormous number of complimentary tickets.

While comp tickets aren't a new thing at Michigan, the practice ballooned during the 2014 season, particularly in the final home game against Maryland, when nearly 17,000 free tickets were distributed. That counted toward the final attendance of 101,717, the sparsest crowd at the Big House since 100,862 saw Michigan play Memphis in 1995.

There were 62,879 free tickets distributed during the 2014 season that accounted for roughly 8.6 percent of attendance, a sharp increase from the previous season, when 2.8 percent of the attendance came from comp tickets.

At least a zany John Cooper is here to right this ship.

Harbaugh says, Fans have a constitutional right to expect success and have high expectations."

— Marcus Hartman (@marcushartman) April 16, 2015

Michigan fans would be wise to enjoy those constitutional rights, because Urban Meyer will be suspending habeas corpus in *glances into the celestial heavens* 225 days.

THOSE WMDs. 1991 Sizzler promo is as awful as it is hilarious... Chimps in Senegal found to fashion spears for hunting... Heartbreaking: Despondent couple found dead in their Bellefontaine home... Marcus Baugh is about to be so dang good... The Arrogance of Aaron Hernandez.