I thought I knew all the levels to a hangover, but then I found myself Sunday vomiting my intestines up on a marooned boat 40 minutes outside Catawba. You don't know hell until your crippling motion sickness reduces you to a ball of writhing flesh heaving stomach bile into a trashcan that is also moving.
And yet, it was all worth it.
Put-In-Bay is hilarious. No other place like it in Ohio and sun-baked dads staggering around blackout drunk from five Budweisers will never not be hilarious to me. The only drawback is having to drive Route 4, which has my vote as the worst highway in Ohio.
And I didn't understand why they called Lake Erie great until giant waves were pounding the hull of my friend's boat and I couldn't see land. Realizing a fiberglass boat manufactured by strangers is the only thing that stands between you and a death at the bottom of the lake is one helluva drug. Its crystal mud waters did help alleviate my sickness for some time, though.
As for Cleveland: Wow. Seeing Cleveland grow larger on the coastline was akin to seeing a beautiful woman for the first time, only that woman is actually interested in your vapid behavior and shallow thoughts.
Downtown arrest total for June 19, 2016 after game detail is 5. Most charges relative to disorderly conduct and public intoxication.
— Cleveland Police (@CLEpolice) June 20, 2016
I can't believe those five people avoided felony charges because people were running wild. My friend watched the game at Winking Lizard and said somebody threw a beer bottle through a TV in celebration and everyone tipped over the patio tables. People were drinking and crying in the street and climbing city trees—at 3:00 a.m. when I went for a walk in search of food. The Cleveland police deserve props.
My goal was not to get too saucy, but one minute you're drinking two Budweisers with breakfast and the next you're drinking liquor out of a bottle in a downtown parking lot with two guys from Akron you just met on the street. Life comes at you fast when you're not wearing a shirt.
I may not win a Pulitzer for my celebration coverage, but nobody can take away that I was there when Cleveland broke its curse.
Here are my favorite social media moments, starting with Steph Curry's dad getting dabbed on:
my friend dabbing on steph currys dad https://t.co/bBGBCbnpiN
— jen (@chilloutjen) June 20, 2016
My biggest regret is not finding and scaling this fire truck:
Cleveland police said there is no fire truck stolen...technically it's not stolen...just occupied currently... pic.twitter.com/OBeXcNjORB
— Jordan Strack (@JordanStrack) June 20, 2016
No, I was not the guy doing pull-ups from the traffic light:
THIS DUDE IS DOING PULL-UPS ON THE TRAFFIC LIGHT CLEVELAND IS A MADHOUSE pic.twitter.com/2RU5YQKAuI
— Austin Hunt (@AustinHunt) June 20, 2016
Twitter might be bad, but it has its moments:
Somebody tell me again why Twitter still free https://t.co/M6f7Ke8P59
— Andre Equaldollas (@trapkeezus) June 20, 2016
Congrats to the die-hards like my friend who got booed off an elementary school bus back in the day for wearing a Cavs sweatshirt. Y'all deserved that one.
P.S. I'm naming my first son World Champion J.R. Pipes Byrnes.
FOX BOUT TO MAKE A BIG MOVE? It's rare I talk football on a Cleveland Cavs blog, but I thought this was interesting.
From cbssports.com:
Two months after it was reported that the Big Ten struck a deal with Fox that would see the network paying the Big Ten $250 million per year for half of its media rights over six years, the Big Ten has now reportedly sold the other half of its rights. That second half, according to the SportsBusiness Journal, has been sold to ESPN. The Big Ten's old friend will pay the conference $190 million per year for six years.
[...]
The Big Ten will easily have the most lucrative television deal in place once these new deals with Fox and ESPN kick in for the 2017 season. The rest of the Power Five has now been reassured that ESPN remains an active buyer for live rights, certainly a reassuring sight to the leagues and their never-ending addiction to TV money during chaotic times for the pay-TV industry.
[...]
This means it's more likely than not that the annual Ohio State-Michigan game will air on Fox rather than ABC, where it's been broadcast for decades. Fox will also have the rights to the Big Ten Championship Game in December. That gives Fox the rights to arguably the Big Ten's two most attractive games. But the Big Ten will still keep a strong presence on ESPN, which went all-in with the SEC by creating the SEC Network.
$440,000,000 over six years! We throw around a lot of numbers, but there aren't many humans that can comprehend numbers like that. At this point, it should be illegal to call big-time college sports "amateur athletics." It's big business.
As for the move to FOX, let's hope it doesn't come to fruition. Outside of Gus Johnson, Fox Sports broadcasts are corny and it pays millions of dollars to the likes of Skip Bayless, Clay Travis, Colin Cowherd, and Jason Whitlock.
I don't watch The Game for announcers, but this will ruin my childhood if this move happens. ABC has always handed their production.
GENE SMITH SPEAKS. Remember when Gene Smith had detractors? While I'll forever question his decision to play in the historic 2012 TaxSlayer.com bowl, the dude has been on cruise control for five years now, and I mean that as a compliment.
Smith sat down with The Toledo Blade this past week to dish on the status of the Buckeyes—spoiler: he expects big things in 2016!—and his disdain for football camps.
From bcsn.tv:
Q: Does it feel like too much of a response to Michigan?
A: No, I don’t think so. It’s not just them. I think everyone just ratcheting up in response to the change that’s occurred with how kids are being recruited and how the kids position themselves to be recruited. ... Our football recruiting committee is studying it. We have 25, 26 new freshmen that just got here. I’d rather have my coaches here working with those young people, but instead they’re in New Jersey and Atlanta and Texas and Michigan. They’re everywhere. I’d rather have them here working camps and working with our incoming freshmen.
Q: Is there a happy medium here? Ohio State and Michigan may not need these camps, but Toledo and other MAC schools are a different story.
A: Sure, I think one proposal I’ve heard is, in June, you can go to two off-site satellite camps. You would have your own institutional camps, but then you go in June to two off-site camps. The MAC schools can still do that in June. And then I’ve always believed there should be a dead period in July where coaches should totally shut it down. But yes, I think we’ve got to figure out a way to bring some control over this thing. Otherwise, our coaches will continue to fly around the country and not be here for the kids that we serve.
This is the most legitimate criticism I've heard about satellite camps. Recruiting is the lifeblood of a program, but schools have responsibilities to the athletes they serve.
Coaches are go-getters, but everyone needs time away from their job, and I'm for anything that lets these guys relax.
Oh yeah, Smith also had some good news about St. John Arena and the Skull Session:
Covelli Arena to break ground next year, but Skull Session going nowhere. Gene Smith said St. John will remain up for "couple decades."
— Dave Briggs (@DBriggsBlade) June 20, 2016
Good to know the big boss man is a fan of my work. I promise I won't let him down.
WELL ACTUALLY, CLEVELAND. I try not to share or ridicule bad takes, but I came across this "Well, actually" column from an aggrieved Michigan alumnus that was too salty not to share.
From thebiglead.com:
But, embracing LeBron, born and raised 40 miles south in Akron, as a native son is embracing a broader “Cleveland.” The downtrodden narrative is ignoring the scarlet and grey fat man in the room festooned in jewelry and fake tattoos: Ohio State football.
Ohio State has had a more or less unbroken run of football success since hiring Woody Hayes in 1951. Just four coaches have been hired since. The worst was either Earle Bruce (four Big Ten titles, eight-straight Top 15 seasons) or John Cooper (three conference titles, six-straight Top 15 seasons).
The Buckeyes, albeit aided by some soft schedules, are on a 50-4 run under Urban Meyer. They won the national championship two years ago. Choking last year with their historically talented team was going 12-1 and beating Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl. This was Ohio State’s eighth 11-or-more win season in the last 10 years.
What's funny about this is there is a large minority of Cleveland fans who hate Ohio State or don't mess with it at all. (I know a guy that lives in Parma and looks at Columbus like a minor league city.)
Secondly, not even the Buckeyes are good enough to rectify the number of fall Sundays marred by the Cleveland Browns.
I forgive the author, however. Ohio State's football longevity is ridiculous, and it's easy to see why a Michigan Man would insert that into a conversation about a city with no major college team (no offense to the Cleveland State Vikings, a team I like and respect).
BUCKEYES GIVE BACK. While I was busying taking years off my life this weekend, the Ohio State linebackers were helping pack over 6,000 meals at the Mid-Ohio Food Bank. Advantage them.
At Ohio State, even volunteering is competitive.
— Ohio State Football (@OhioStateFB) June 18, 2016
OSU LBs packed 6,130 meals at @Mid_OHFoodbank this morning! https://t.co/pcGF75AFOG
SLEEP ADVICE FROM THAT ONE SCHOOL. Sleep! (I cannot wait to go to sleep tonight.) I don't understand these people who brag about only needing three or four hours of sleep a night. You might as well be bragging about murdering somebody.
I can't sleep past 7:00 a.m. anymore it seems, so I need my seven hours. Here are some hot sleep #tips from The Ohio State University:
Keep regular hours. Early to bed, early to rise, remember? Try waking up and going to sleep at the same times every day. Getting into a good sleep cycle can help you avoid sleep disorders.
Don’t go to bed too full (or too hungry). If a late meal is on the menu, eat light and avoid sugary, high-carb foods. Heavy meals can make you uncomfortable, cause acid reflux or fire up your metabolism and make it difficult to relax. If you are dieting, don’t ignore a rumbling tummy. Try a low-calorie snack before bed.
Exercise regularly, but maybe not right before bedtime. Intensive exercise before bed may increase your core temperature and boost your heart rate and adrenaline, making it difficult to rest. Schedule vigorous workouts earlier in the day, and try gentle exercises like stretching or yoga to help you relax at night.
THOSE WMDs. Don't light fireworks in the Phoenix Wal-Mart... Why women are writing the best crime novels... Unabomber claims letters written in his name are a hoax... Game of Thrones took us to hell... Texas Rangers' planned stadium shows ballparks' shorter lifespan.
