Woke up yesterday like a Turkish sultan, surrounded on a pillow top mattress by three sleeping cats in a luxuriously appointed, climate-controlled room.
I cherish those few seconds before remembering the prison cell of rotted bologna that symbolizes my cosmic death sentence. I don't remember whatever the judge is talking about, but whatever.
I opened Twitter.
Old timers like to talk about reading the newspaper. I see why. I wish the parade of the world's horrors were limited to a few dead tree slices typed by a gang of serious men with pensions who drank brandy and smoked cigarettes in their office while fantasizing about cheating on their wives with the secretary between periodic 20-minute bouts of "work."
BREAKING NEWS: The Browns will sign an Instagram sex tape star who plays receiver worse than first-year Terrelle Pryor.
Browns with this much cap space was always going to end as well as giving a million dollars to someone with multiple drug addictions.
— D.J. Byrnes (@marion_ohio) March 9, 2017
I'm not saying I wanted to start a riot. Rather, if a citizen of repute informed me of a mob forming outside the Browns office in Berea, I may have turned up wearing a ski mask while dual-wielding a molotov cocktail and a Jim Duggan two-by-four. I went to work instead, because the only thing I do worse than homelessness is jail...
And then a curious thing happened.
Ol' Sashi Brown! My sweet baby boy Sashi, whom I never doubted, made it rain. The Browns looted an elite right guard from the Bengals. They signed an aging but more-than-capable Packers center. They extended Joel Bitonio. And Cleveland's enemies have yet to sideline Joe Thomas for even a snap.
They paid $16 million for the cadaver of Brock Osweiler and a second-round pick.
Twelve hours later, I retweeted my mood:
The Browns in 2013 vs. the Browns now pic.twitter.com/UO5IE7jBey
— JJ Zachariason (@LateRoundQB) March 9, 2017
Don't let the Browns re-sign Pryor and play in London during Ohio State's bye week! If the Browns start 4-3, I'll be the first person to swim across the Atlantic.
ICYMI:
- J.T. Barrett teed off on haters.
- Kevin Wilson defended himself from Indiana accusations.
- Bill Belichick will speak at the Ohio State coaches clinic.
- Lailah Elliott, sister of Zeke, committed to the Buckeyes track and field team.
- Help put a statue of Woody Hayes in his regal hometown of Newcomerstown, Ohio.
Word of the day: Sinecure.
HARBAUGH! My stance on Jim Harbaugh is known: I wasn't alive in 1986 when he guaranteed victory. I only know him as the spoof who led Michigan to an 0-2 record against Urban Meyer.
I can't hate him until he beats Ohio State. And he may prove to be the Wolverine John Cooper. We'll see.
I've cooled on most JIM HARBAUGH DOES THING articles. Drinking whole milk with steak should result in the formation of a grand jury—bare minimum. Him flaming "Pete" Finebaum during a dull offseason weeknight? I'm here for that.
Yesterday, Harbaugh brought his A-game:
Unairbrushed evidence has been uncovered that confirms Woody's love & strong feelings for the University of Michigan. pic.twitter.com/BCQYVwAAVG
— Coach Harbaugh (@CoachJim4UM) March 9, 2017
Talk that shit if you want, Jimmy. Zombie Woody Hayes could form an Ohio militia capable of seizing Michigan and Ohio's state capitals within 48 hours. It's best to let the man who coddled your idol Bo Schembechler to his only national title sleep easy.
The origins of the picture were murky at first. After all, it could be a Cincinnati Moeller hat. Their sachems ganked Michigan's pitiful attempt at swagger for some reason.
After the initial tip from Eleven Warriors member Bucktater, reader Niall sent a clip from his archives.
From the May 17, 1984 edition of The Columbus Dispatch:
Fair play, Woody. I would have bilked at least $1000, but I suppose this was back when $100 could buy a car capable of blowing cold air.
Such gags are apparently cherished relics of happier times passed around circles of the last Michigan Men capable of remembering Blue's last win over a non-interim coach.
I finished John U. Bacon's Endzone yesterday. Phenomenal read of a golden era of Wolverine incompetence (Brady Hoke showed up to campus eager to learn about Tate Forcier, who wasn't even on the roster). But these people rallied to the depth of their fragmented culture for Harbaugh to return. Their next option was Les Miles, lol.
Don't be fooled by the dad bod and use of "airbrushed" in 2017, Harbaugh is their Achilles. If Meyer breaks him ... *hold up, Loko tastes succulent at this time of day* ... you might as well just turn the Big House into a research facility.
WELCOME TO THE BIGS. Here's another hilarious anecdote from Endzone. People act like Tom Brady won three Heismans at Michigan. Here's Jay Flannelly, former team volunteer turned socially-connected pizza shop dishwasher on Tom Brady's and Drew Henson's fan followings:
“[Tom Brady and I] were already bonded by ’98 when Drew Henson came here, also a friend of mine. I’ll never forget ‘Media Day’ that year. Drew hasn’t played a single down yet, but he was standing under the goal posts, and there was a line out to midfield of fans who wanted him to sign things.
“Tom’s standing by the tunnel, without a soul anywhere near him, except me and my niece, for an hour. I don’t think he signed five things. It was sad, embarrassing—and unbelievable.”
We laugh. But so how it goes in Columbus. Look at how some fans reacted to the return of J.T. Barrett. Some were so visceral the quarterback remarked about the acidity two months later.
A small and insignificant fringe of OSU fans would install four-star National Offensive Player of Year freshman quarterback Tate Martell over Barrett.
Martell will be fine, just don't count on him lighting it up this year. Barrett spoke on his dude "Chuck" yesterday.
From 11W's Eric Seger, whom you should follow on Twitter:
"My man Chuck, he's a funny guy. I wish you could ask him how his first two days went. It ain't Bishop Gorman, I can tell you that ....
"But I was messing with him, there's certain things that we talk about, something little is that he's shorter than I am. There are certain plays where you have to get taller in order to make the throw.
"I was like, you didn't have a Jalyn Holmes or a Sam Hubbard running at you, 6'5", 270. I was like, 'Man, they're going to blast you if you don't get out of there, man.' He's getting better.
"I think he's starting to adjust to it. Because when you come in and you come in from high school, he was the big fish in a small pond and now he's a guppy in a big pond. With that adjustment to it, I think he's going to be all right."
Godspeed, Chuck. And stay frosty out here, it sounds like the streets are fierce.
VRABEL EARNS VET VOTE. Mike Vrabel passed on becoming Chip Kelly's defensive coordinator with the San Francisco 49ers. Kelly is now reportedly auditioning for television roles.
Houston Texans head coach Bill O'Brien promoted Vrabel to defensive coordinator in January.
Texans defensive tackle Vince Wilfork, a two-time 35-year-old Super Bowl champion and baller human being, is reportedly leaning towards retirement. Regardless, he endorses Vrabel leading the Texan defense.
From houston.cbslocal.com:
“I don’t think the Texans defense will miss a beat,” Vince Wilfork said. “He played the game at a high level and is very smart, I don’t think I ever seen a football player especially on my side that smart, that knows the game not just defense.”
[...]
“If you look at track records of defensive coordinators that’s one of the stops they have to make is a linebackers coach, that’s what he did, he played game, he coached in college, he got to Houston became a linebackers coach and now he’s reaping the benefits,” Wilfork said.
The 13-year veteran has seen plenty of coaches over his lifetime and he feels that Vrabel also has the right mentality to lead a defense.
“I think as a coach you have to be able to teach and he’s a great teacher from kids all the way up to grown men,” Wilfork said.
Vrabel's rise through the NFL ranks will be fascinating. Meyer may not coach for another 300 years. Vrabel would almost be the perfect replacement.
HARDER THAN IT LOOKS. Ever wondered how holders practice their craft? Apparently with a pitching machine hurling tennis balls at them.
From Colin Hass-Hill of The Lantern:
My favorite part of being back at Ohio State football practices? Watching the holders use "pitching machine" that snaps them tennis balls pic.twitter.com/RcKF5C0JsW
— Colin Hass-Hill (@chasshill) March 9, 2017
Don't worry, Drue Chrisman, you didn't earn your scholarship by catching tennis balls.
THOSE WMDs. The rise, then shame, of Baylor Nation... Cops pinch Florida Man for open Four Loko after 116 mph chase... Cat survives 400 mile trip from Ohio by clinging to a semi... Why do recipe makers lie and lie and lie about how long it takes to caramelize onions?
