Welcome to another gentle spring Saturday, where hopefully the swollen Miami River hasn't flooded the underrated city of Piqua, Ohio.
I'm the weekend editor, which means you are stuck with me unless the FBI arrests Urban Meyer for operating a credit card and tax fraud ring. (And even then, I'm probably the only one on staff who could speak with authority on such subjects.)
ICYMI:
- Curtis Samuel signed a Carolina Panthers contract worth a projected $6.4 million.
- Help put a life-size statue of Woody Hayes in his hometown of Newcomerstown, Ohio.
Word of the Day: Propitious.
GET DUMPED THEN, BYU & MARYLAND. The good football boys may not play today, but the local school still has athletes deployed to various fronts with championships on the line tonight.
First, the men's volleyball team plays BYU in a rematch of last year's national title game in St. John Arena at 7:30 p.m. on ESPN2.
Memo to Tom Holmoe, the Cougars' athletic director: Feel free to pick the flowers to your own funeral.
Via vanquishthefoe.com:
Coug Fans: Should I try and get a game? pic.twitter.com/7aBCc30bBl
— Tom Holmoe (@TomHolmoe) May 4, 2017
At the same time—and why would it not be the same time?—the men's lacrosse team plays Maryland in Jesse Owens Stadium for the Big Ten championship on BTN.
Please make sure to #click and #share any 11W content produced from those matchups.
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GOOD GUY JENKINS. While a lot of the American workforce spent Cinco de Mayo guzzling half-off margaritas at the neighborhood Chili's, former Ohio State star Malcolm Jenkins returned to Columbus to help 800 families in need:
@MalcolmJenkins and his foundation distributing food and supplies today to 800 Columbus families in need. Excellent work. pic.twitter.com/fwEOoMT9y6
— Jerod Smalley (@JerodNBC4) May 5, 2017
S/O to my @OfficialOPPF brothers & volunteers at today's @TheMJFoundation #GetReadyFest, helping 800 Columbus families with food & resources pic.twitter.com/6Su958HQ40
— Malcolm Jenkins (@MalcolmJenkins) May 5, 2017
Jenkins has life solved to the point I feel a semblance of pride for sharing a collegiate campus with him at one point in time. Suddenly I understand why people buy timeshares.
FLECK RUFFLES FEATHERS. P.J. Fleck, who is my sworn enemy for blocking me on Twitter, is already ruffling coaching feathers in the Big Ten West wastelands.
Come forward if you had "Kirk Ferentz's adult son" as the first one to take public umbrage with the man who will either lead Minnesota to a national title or the bottom of divisional standings.
Ferentz's son serves as Iowa's director of recruiting.
From startribune.com:
Fleck's aggressive recruiting style has helped the Gophers get off to a strong start with the Class of 2018, as they have 13 commitments and currently rank 10th nationally in the 247Sports Composite Rankings. By mid-February, the Gophers already had offered scholarships to 134 players, dozens more than they had made by that point in the recruiting cycle under previous coaches Tracy Claeys and Jerry Kill.
“The guys in Ames and the new guy in Minneapolis seem to have no problem throwing early things out," Brian Ferentz said on the Hawk Central podcast. "What I’ve learned, certainly about the guys in Ames, we’ll find out about the guys in Minneapolis, what does an offer really mean?
“I can tell you this much, if the University of Iowa offers you a scholarship and you commit to us, we intend to sign you and we intend to take your commitment."
This is what Kentucky does in Ohio—rolls through and throws offers out the window like one of those mystical drug dealers who gives their product away for free that you always hear about on the local news but are never lucky enough to come across in real life.
We've seen how it's played out for Kentucky. They've stolen from other Big Ten programs but not Ohio State. Sounds to me like sour grapes from a guy getting his ass kicked on his profession's scoreboard.
That doesn't change the fact every conference coach is going to want to beat the Gophers by 50 this year. I feel confident in saying I'll watch more Minnesota football than ever before this fall.
DID THE DEFINITION OF "OWNS" SWITCH? The lesson, children, is to never tweet:
If anything has become clear since @CoachJim4UM returned to Michigan, its that he owns college football: https://t.co/EtzZ6w2EFS
— USA TODAY (@USATODAY) May 5, 2017
Michigan fans better hope Harbaugh doesn't fall to 0-3 this year.
STUFFLEBEAM DOES IT AGAIN. A rapper named Logic released an album called Everybody this week. The cover looked like this:
I wouldn't know Logic if he were outside, shaking his genitalia at me while shitting on the hood of my car.
But then I saw the remix from Ohio State's young Dutchmaster, Kenton Stufflebeam. I pulled out my White Inspector Gadget goggles to get a closer look. Did he do what I think he did?
You might be asking, "Where is Jim Tressel?" El Chaleco is definitely out back vaping and laughing about the CIA's futile attempts to apprehend him.
THOSE WMDs. Heroin dealer cites religious freedom in court... How you're sabotaging your life—based on your Myers-Briggs type... The bad grade that changed the United States Constitution... The case against eating lunch outside... Am I really turning 40?
