Bonjour mes séduisants et évolués marrons d'Inde! It is Friday again, as those not already hungover surely appreciate. Of course most of you in the Midwest have probably just finished tunneling out of your front door. No doubt, the storm being as horrific as it was, your roommates/families are a limb or two the worse for wear, but it's nobody's fault that their leg fell into the fire and then right into your mouth. Survival is a dangerous game. The important thing is that we're all still alive (mostly) and kicking (in spirit). It's a great day to be a Buckeye.
Speaking of great days, we had yet another victory over our dear friends from up north yesterday. Like tides, taxes, and telemarketers, you can always rely on a blown lead by Michigan. Now, as a man who abhors social double-standards I refuse to imply that the fair Ann Arbor is of ill-repute. I'd say instead that she and her Wolverines played puckered and uptight; despite holding the lead at the half they ultimately failed to control the paint and ended up fouling their way to a loss. I can only offer this advice: don't worry about what other people think, Michigan. Jared Sullinger's pink phone and 15 rebounds showed you that you must think fabulous to be fabulous.
Candlemas? More like Scandalmas! Every February 2nd the French come together to celebrate Candlemas, when millions try to flip crepes with their weak hands in hopes of getting filthy rich. It's a sort of pancake-Christmas. Here in America, February 2nd and 3rd involved fewer pancakes, but the post signing-day glow was quickly overwhelmed by a syrupy deluge of dirty, sticky rumors and accusations.
Alabama, (who else?), found themselves embroiled in controversy over a fax machine. A photo from a webcam leaked onto the internet showing the torso of a scantily clad coed, theoretically tasked with retrieving the NLIs of Alabama commits, but practically tasked with providing visual stimulus for recruits. Take overheated moralists working themselves into a lather over a cheerleader costume, add a professional coach's cynical exploitation of young males' lbidos, and stir in some spiteful intra-conference backstabbing by a fellow conference member and then you have the quintessential mise-en-scène of the modern SEC.
Oh, but they were just getting started.
Kiffin? I hardly knew him! In a report that will likely surprise no one, Lane Kiffin's slime-trail refuses to wash off the streets of Knoxville. It turns out that the NCAA is moving forward with an investigation to determine the extent that Tennessee's administration was complicit in Kiffin's recruiting violations during his brief supernova of a stint at the troubled program. If the violations are determined severe enough and the school liable enough, the Volunteers could face sanctions going forward. It's probably a good thing we won't play USC in the Rose Bowl anytime soon, just in case Kiffin is contagious.
In less amusing news, more details have come to light about Buckeye recruit Cris Carter and allegations concerning his less than courteous conduct in JROTC. Sexual assault is serious, and it's especially serious in male-dominated cultures like the military. The last thing we should want is our very own Brett Favre/Ben Roethlesberger. Assuming he doesn't go to prison, if there's any doubt about his innocence we should cut him lose. That said, Tressel is apparently keeping his scholarship open on the premise that he's innocent until proven guilty. If he is innocent than I'll be delighted to welcome him into the fold, but Iowa has already filled the Big Ten's criminal-douchebag quota.
Pat Fitzgerald is better than you. Interviewing with the Chicago Sun-Times, Pat Fitzgerald showed why you should keep him away from your significant other, man or woman, lest your passion dwindle as a candle to a volcano. E.g., when asked about recruiting rankings, Fitzgerald replies:
“I could care less what they’re rated,” Fitzgerald said. “I believe in this class. And I still don’t understand the definition of what a star means. I was a zero-star recruit who [ended up being] a two time All-American [linebacker at Northwestern]. So you can put that in your pipe and smoke it.”
In just a few sentences he manages to give the finger to Rivals, massage his recruits' egos, point out he was literally infinity % better than his original rating, then finally tell the interviewer the exact protocol for imbibing his quotations in a responsible manner. The Sun-Times left out the part where Pat saves a kitten from a burning building while putting the finishing touches on his dissertation concerning the history of the Mamluks and their contributions to Egyptian legal theory.
UM vs. MSU is like the Sharks vs. the Jets but less violent. While the Buckeyes landed a universally lauded class headlined by elite prospects Curtis Grant and Braxton Miller, that hasn't stopped former Buckeye D-Coordinator and professional stare-contest champion Mark Dantonio from a damn good finish recruiting at East Lansing this season. But with the hiring of Brady Hoke, the recruiting battles could heat up in the Mitten State. John Niyo interviews Dantonio and Hoke for the Detroit News, and comes away with the impression that they both grasped the importance of both recruiting the Midwest and respecting the importance of the rivalry. Blah Blah Blah, the real important thing is that both Dantonio and Niyo realize who's actually in charge. Let Dantonio and Hoke fight for scraps in The-State-That-Isn't-Ohio while Tressel builds the next 5 Big Ten championship teams on the strength of born and bred Buckeyes.
