Friday Skull Session

I, much like President Warren Gamaliel Harding, love the smell of napalm in the morning. It's particularly pleasant on the eve of the bi-annual sacking of Ann Arbor.

My caravan leaves the Capital City a little over seven hours from now, and I'm like a little kid on Christmas Eve with how excited I am to put my feet down in that den of hipsters and talk trash to dudes in Sperrys with a pack of Parliament Lights in the pocket of their pea coats. It's probably the second best adrenaline rush behind only the O-H-I-O chant that will inevitably end up rolling around the Big House in the 4th quarter.

Old timers, who were apparently doing other things besides playing Golden Eye 007 for n64 in the 90s, tell me I should be wary of Ohio State's chances in Michigan's crater-sized stadium. Look, Tim Biakabutuka and his steroid chemist aren't walking through that door. It's klobberin' time.

People say "I have too much respect for the rivalry to predict an Ohio State thumping of Michigan," and those people are the absolute worst. Respect? You mean that stuff I have for my grandmother?

I hope Michigan gets beat so bad the university is forced to re-examine the pros and cons of fielding a Division-I football team. I hope Brady Hoke rides his white vespa out of Michigan Stadium and into early retirement due to the humiliation of defeat. I hope the flames from the carnage Urban Meyer brings down on that wretched land reach so high they can be seen by Caribbean fishermen in the night's sky. I hope this game is ended early by United Nations' peacekeepers.

Now.. let's get this execution over with so we can focus on Michigan's big sister: Sparty.

RICH ROD, WE MISS YA BUDDY. Rich Rodriguez will not be coaching Michigan on Saturday because the world is cold and fraudulent:

You're damn right it's more fun to bash somebody than raise them up, Rich Rodriguez. I have no problem biting that bullet. I'd much rather look at a photo Zach Boren stand over the broken, mangled corpse of Devin Gardner than one of Zach Boren landing a helping hand to Gardner like he's Tiny Tim on Christmas morning.

IT'S UNANIMOUS: OHIO STATE BY KNOCKOUT. The national media hasn't been high on Ohio State this year, for whatever reasons. When it comes to Ohio State's chances of dumping Michigan on Saturday, however, they're a lot more bullish:

Adam Rittenberg, ESPN.com : Ohio State 42, Michigan 13. “Rivalry games can spark surprises at times, but Ohio State is so much better than Michigan and has much more on the line. Plus, the Buckeyes' defensive line is rapidly improving and will become the latest group to infiltrate Michigan's backfield. Miller puts himself back on the Heisman radar with three touchdowns (two pass, one rush), and the Buckeyes record a second-half pick-six against Devin Gardner and rout Michigan.”

Bruce Feldman, CBSSports.com: Ohio State 31, Michigan 21. “The combo of Braxton Miller and Carlos Hyde have run over just about everyone in the Big Ten in the past two months and I expect the Buckeyes to take it to the Wolverines on the road, although I think Michigan will keep it interesting for three quarters.”

Stewart Mandel, Sports Illustrated: Ohio State 30, Michigan 13. “Well ... this could get ugly. Michigan's beleaguered offensive line has proven incapable of protecting quarterback Devin Gardner or providng him with any help from the running game. Enter Ohio State, which has more sacks (36) than all but two teams nationally. Perhaps some weird rivalry voodoo (turnovers, trick plays) will help Michigan keep it close, but Braxton Miller will have the final say.”

Welp, if his team is lacking for extra motivation this week, Brady Hoke certainly has his pick of the bulletin board material litter.

RT @dril: IF THE ZOO BANS ME FOR HOLLERING AT THE ANIMALS I WILL FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL

MICHIGAN HAS BEEN PEELED.

WHAT HAPPENS IF PIGS FLY AND SNAKES WALK THE EARTH? Why the hell is Eric worried about being ranked in the Top 25? From BTN's Tom Dienhart:

If Michigan can beat Ohio State this weekend, will the Wolverines crack the Top 25? Also, what bowl do you see them possibly playing in if they get the job done? – Eric

No way Michigan cracks anyone’s top 25 with a win over Ohio State. Yes, it would be impressive and a stunning upset. But the 7-4 Wolverines, losers of four of six, have had too many tough losses to get into the Top 25. Still, to ruin Ohio State’s 23-game winning streak and kill its BCS title game hopes would ease some of the pain for Wolverines fans. Heck, who am I kidding: It would ease all of it!

Eric, I'm glad you asked about bowl games and Michigan's hopes to play in one. HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE AMAZING PACKAGE OFFERED BY TAXSLAYER DOT COM AND JACKSONVILLE METROPOLITAN AREA? Oh, buddy! YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE JACKSONVILLE IN JANUARY.

Srsly tho, if Michigan were to knock off Ohio State, I'm not sure what I would do. As a Browns fan, I've learned to handle being spoon-fed doses of bitter disappointment over the years, but I'm not sure I could handle the ol' Buckeyes giving me that kind of pill to swallow.

Ohio State losing a football game seems like such a distant memory... almost as if it belongs to another life...

LIQUIDATE OHIO STATE. Everybody knows the Ohio street anthem, "I don't give a damn for the whole state of Michigan." But did you know, Michigan has their own diddy for The Game? Oh, it's as true as it is hilarious:

Yes, that's apparently a Michigan Glee club stepping to the microphone on behalf of Michigan's jacket. As we say in Marion, Ohio: 'bout right.

MY BAD, WHY DID I DO THAT? To Hell with Michigan and their stupid little songs. Let's watch this 10-minute clip of Maurice Clarett and Ohio State beating Michigan in 2002 while we pretend to work: