WARNING: The content of the $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay is intended for mature audiences. Viewer discretion is highly advised. Seriously.
Our nation's 29th (and greatest) president, Warren Gamaliel Harding, was a renowned gambler, golfer and lover of life. As such, his sage wagering advice and stories of criminal bravado are brought here through the medieval art of necromancy.
Seeing as President Harding ushered us into economic success unheard of in human history (before being tragically assassinated by his jealous wife, causing the tanking of the economy), his words might as well be chiseled into stone tablets. (All views and opinions presented should only be considered those of President Warren G. Harding.)
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Today started just as my life did: pulling out of a prostitute. My first thought was,
DAMN, I HATE BEING SOBER
Good thing I wasn't.
And before I get judged — always with Mortals and their judgments — I want the streets to know: I'm not going to be shamed for paying for coitus when y'all are taking women out to Arby's in order to score a Miller Lite-fueled tuggie and a few "good morning" texts.
And yeah, you might have heard about some love letters I wrote during my ascent through the United States Senate. That's me: Governing your country while writing three-page 20th-century sexts to your wife. Fight me if you want to die.
I love the company of a woman, is that such a crime? And no, I'm not talking about a medieval institution used to strengthen tribal/family bonds — marriage, I think is the word Mortals used.
"But Warren, you were married," I can already hear the whiny voice of some cubicle-bound, asthmatic abacus-pusher.
You Mortals and your empty words. Your empty vows. Marriage? Why do that with one woman when I can do it with a thousand with none of the legal responsibilities? (It's only a tax-break if you pay your taxes, after all. ;-))
But I digress.
The second thought I had this morning was, "Damn, it's about time to go get this money."
Collegiate football season is here, and that means only one thing: The Money Train is leaving the station.
It's a three-team affair, as these things so often happen to be. So let's get down to the brass tacks:
Ohio State (-11), Toledo (+3.5), Akron (+14.5)– The $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay
Not going to lie, as I sat on the shitter this morning perusing Vegas' odds in The Marion Star, two other lines that caught my eye were Michigan State (+11.5) and Notre Dame (-3.5), but in the end, blood runs thicker than piss. And I've chosen some up and coming Ohio bloodriders.
Ohio State (-11): A Man Who Would Know tells me Virginia Tech's defense's strengths — press coverage and defensive line stunts — are Ohio State's offensive weaknesses.
In the end, however, it looks like it's physically impossible for me to place a wager against Urban Meyer, at home, at night, and with a platter of the nation's most talented teens on deck. (Thankfully, Urban Meyer isn't out in these streets recruiting the same kinds of teens as me. Talk about two bulls in a China shop.)
Eleven points, for some unknown intergalactic reason, seems like a good omen to me. Especially when you consider Ohio State already being spotted a touchdown since they're at home. I'd take Ohio State (+4) vs. Virginia Tech on a neutral field... so I fully expect this to be sealed up by the midway point of the fourth quarter.
Toledo (+3.5): Hmm. Last year's SEC's runner-up is only a three-point favorite in the Glass Bowl? Something is afoot here, folks, and I think we should profit from it.
I ride with Toledo. It's an honorable city. Are the Rockets onto something up there? They must be.
Unfortunately for Missouri, while Gary Pinkel hails from Toledo, their starting quarterback hails from wicked Kenton. We'll leave it at that.
Akron (+14.5): I never thought I'd wager on a Yodeler, but the Year of Luigi is truly a remarkable time to be alive.
I watched the UCF-Penn State affair, because it was the only thing tolerable on at 8:30 AM as I sat in the living room of a hoodrat's den on the west side of Marion... naked, chain smoking Newports, shaking, and guzzling the remnants of this woman's cache of illegally-caffeinated FourLokos.
Needless to say, Penn State didn't blow me away. (Thankfully, somebody else did~*~* ;-))
But it seems the Zips are feisty this year. They dispatched Howard 41-0, which is exactly what you're supposed to do against overmatched teams.
Penn State's roster is still depleted, and Franklin's recruits are only freshmen. They also deserved to lose to UCF, but Hackenberg pulled them off the hook.
Akron should've beat Michigan last year, and I think they've still got that bitter taste in their mouth. Penn State is ripe for the upset. The Nittany Lions are coming off an international win and probably buying into the hype that followed Franklin's hiring.
Like any seed looking to turn mighty... we must start with Buckeye roots. Slit my wrists and I'll show you mine.
Gods Bless Ohio, and may we one day know true independence.
