The Situational: Dance Naked

Preseason coronations are loudest when the summer is at its hottest, and Athlon's cites just four running B1G backs better than Ohio State's Detroit import which is funny because...well here are how their top backs' rushing résumés stack up against each other:

TRICK QUESTION: Which one of those backs is not like the other? ANSWER: Iowa senior LeShun Daniels is the only Ohio State legacy on the list. His father started for the Buckeyes' 1996 Rose Bowl team, which is your crippling daily reminder that you are old regardless of your age and time is slipping away from us all.

Weber's 38 yards and 2 TDs this spring: Career highs.

Those running back rankings are obviously projections that are based in part on assumptions Weber is going to a) win the starting job, which he hasn't yet b) find success behind mostly-new starters on Ohio State's offensive line c) perform about as well as Ezekiel Elliott did in his first season getting regular opportunities, which was to finish 2014 as an honorable mention All-B1G selection. TL;DR Mike Weber is already as good as the 4th overall pick in the NFL Draft was at the same point in their careers and has yet to register a collegiate carry.

Weber, whose body has been transformed during the single year he's been in Columbus is tied for career rushing yards with both you and me. But he has prepared much more for this season than we have, which is important if he's going to meet or even exceed the enormous expectations he's carrying into his debut. One Michigan site already has him ranked higher than the B1G's best kick returner of the decade. We should probably prepare ourselves now for the sight of Weber going where Zeke and El Guapo inexplicably could not, which is New York City in December.

Even crazier than Weber's ascendance into college football's elite tier without having played in a game yet is the high probability that Ohio State could conceivably have a Kwon (pictured above) Quan, Conn and Con all on the field at the same time. This is the kind of eureka moment your brain feeds you when accidentally fall asleep with your face pressed against Phil Steele's magazine. Try that tonight after the ESPYs.

We're out here just trying to get through July. Hey, let's get Situational!

The COSMESIS

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Big Ten football in the 1970s is remembered as the era in which the Big Two hogged the spotlight from the Little Eight. This inequity resulted in the programs like Minnesota making bold moves to attract more attention, like having future Super Bowl coach Tony Dungy (above, quarterbacking) dress in gold lamé from head to tibia for home games on what appears to be industrial-grade concrete painted leisure suit green. 

Forget about the historiography of football's disco era - why aren’t these two B1G West titans still wearing those magnificent costumes? Minnesota's mascot is a small furry animal that looks like Jerry Kill the Golden Gopher, and yet they've eschewed gold for a combination of maroon and white while only dabbling in fluorescent Michigan-like interpretations of what their shade of yellow is ever since Jim Wacker left town.

As for Northwestern they've become enamored with purple Charlie Brown sweaters over the past few years, including the most recent one when they wore them en route to a very un-Northwestern-like 10-win season (the Wildcats also lost three games by a Northwestern-like combined score of 123-16). That NU lettering on the helmet in that pic is gorgeous. It's like Dan Gilbert's angry LeBron break-up letter and Coca-Cola's classic logo had a baby together. The B1G West needs that baby back.

Returning these looks to Minneapolis and Evanston would be upgrades for the division of the conference that is in desperate need of them. Dungy and the Gophers beat the Wildcats by 24 that afternoon, but look at them. Look at them. Both teams won.

The BRICKLAYER

There's never been more to dislike among sports media figures in large part because inserting a punchable dipshit with bad opinions into or in between the games you love watching is a proven way to keep you paying attention, and with the sports bubble looming on the horizon your attention - however strained - is required for its survival.

Sports bubble expert Clay Travis is a confederate flag apologist who has advocated going to abortion clinics to hit on women, and somehow his sports opinions are considerably worse than that. Currently FS1 is conspicuously hiring expensive ESPN castoffs to re-construct the world's largest hot takes castle but with their logo. They will assume ESPN's race to the bottom which was interrupted only by Disney's finance department and preferred stock shareholders.

Mark May's only good take. Put it in a museum.

On the outside of the ESPN/FS1 shit-stirring Olympics sits Doug Gottlieb whom CBS "poached" in 2012, long before ESPN began its current, massive cost-cutting initiatives.

While at ESPN Gottlieb repeatedly used his platform to compare and contrast Ohio State players selling their possessions for petty cash and tattoo discounts with Jerry Sandusky using Penn State as cover for serial child rape. Because, you know, they're practically identical scandals. Since leaving for CBS he's had to apologize more than once for making tacky racial jokes. Howard Cosell was shamed for less.

He's gone on the record insisting that exceptional basketball teams are bad for the sport. His grudge against his parents' alma mater and former dream school Syracuse may actually exceed Mark May's open disdain for Ohio State. He brings less value to college basketball broadcasts than even Dick Vitale in the twilight of his career doing his best Dick Vitale impersonation. 

Gottlieb's takes are so holistically bad that even when he attempts to export his wisdom beyond basketball - and fails, catastrophically - you won't hear anyone telling him to #StickToSports because

Stephen Curry declared for NBA Draft. Doug Gottlieb "He doesnt have the upside of Rubio. Jennings, Flynn, Mills, Teague all more athletic."

— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) April 23, 2009​

He's not good at sports either.

We've made it this far into a Gottlieb stoning without bringing up that he's an identify thief or that he was a significantly worse free throw shooter in college than Shaquille O'Neal. That's because the point here isn't to draw more attention to this skidmark in an industry intent on painting the entire landscape doo-doo brown; it's to learn something.

And that lesson is if you're blessed with no talent, gratuitous second chances and abundant privilege - you should be as smug about it as possible. It's been proven to keep at least one guy employed.

The Bourbon

There is a bourbon for every situation. Sometimes the spirits and the events overlap, which means that where bourbon is concerned there can be more than one worthy choice.

Elliott's Select: We'll cheer you as you go.

Bourbon enthusiasts are quite familiar with Four Roses - the official situational bourbon of the BCS (RIP) due to the absence of any Fiesta, Sugar or Orange-themed bourbons - because of its ubiquity in liquor stores and dollar value regardless of grade. The market for higher-grade bourbons has exploded over the past decade and 4R has recently capitalized on the demand with a premium, limited release edition.

After taking a year off from this category while switching master distillers, Elliott's Select debuted in stores late last month. A top-shelf spirit named Elliott. Your first thought that this would have been nice to serve in copious amounts for the Michigan State game last year is both valid and understandable. I stand with you.

Elliott's Select comes in at 58% ABV, which - I'm not making this up - happens to be what Zeke averaged rushing per quarter during Ohio State's postseason run against Wisconsin, Alabama and Oregon. It starts flowery but bold on the palate (vanilla, apricot, French toasty) while finishing strong and very peppery which I'm also not making up. 

If you've got $125 for a nice bottle of bourbon and enjoy a spicy finish you should march 85 Yards Through the Heart of a Reputable Liquor Store in your town and pick up Elliott's Select before it disappears. You'll enjoy the experience as well as the eerie Ohio State tailback parallels.

However, it you've got $125 but prefer your bourbon to be a little less bold then congratulations - you're sitting on enough money for three bottles of Four Roses Small Batch, which your liquor store definitely has in stock. They're not Elliott's Select, but they're on scholarship for a reason.

The Playoff

Imagine if tomorrow a pop singer - pick the one you hate most - released a catchy song called Dance Naked with like five whole lyrics in it, specifically so everyone who heard it once would immediately know all of the words. That song would be inescapable for the balance of the summer. It would chase you down like Carly Rae Jepsen.

It would probably sound a lot like this, but without actual musical instruments:

In 1993 John Mellencamp released Human Wheels which was deep, thoughtful, critically-acclaimed and filled with meaning. It sold itself into the top ten with minimal support from his record label and contained a #1 hit, What if I Came Knocking which is objectively a timeless banger of a rock song.

But despite its commercial success his record label didn't like it and wanted something more radio-friendly for his next album. This pissed Mellencamp off to no end, so he got passive-aggressive and cranked out Dance Naked in literally two weeks - not even a year after Human Wheels was released - just to show the suits how easy and stupid what they wanted was to produce.

Dance Naked reached #13 on the charts and wasn't critically-acclaimed so imagine how little Justin Beiber would have to add to his own version for it to go triple-platinum. Dance Naked is both a valuable lesson in consumer taste and a way of life. 

Thanks for getting Situational. Go Bucks.