In recent weeks, Tiger King has brought us all together.
Tiger King has become a pop culture phenomenon and provided America with a much-needed distraction during some uncertain times.
But what Tiger King hasn't brought us is football. So we thought we'd bring some Big Ten football into Tiger King.
Joe Exotic
Joe Exotic is completely self-absorbed, neurotic and bat-shit crazy. The self-proclaimed Tiger King is blissfully and arrogantly unaware that he isn't the crown of the conference, he's the butt of the joke.
Charismatic? Sure. Full of shit? Completely.
Joe is reminiscent of a Big Ten team, its coach and its fan base. You know the one. It's the school that sincerely believes it's the perennial pinnacle program of the Big Ten despite everyone else laughs from afar.
Joe Exotic is Michigan.
Carole Baskin
Joe Exotic's biggest rival is the owner of Big Cat Rescue. Speculation is Carole killed and fed her missing husband, Don Lewis, to the tigers on her property.
Like Joe, she is self-absorbed and is several cards short of a full deck, but has somehow developed a booming organization with a fairly massive cult-like following that is ready to write off any negative press or rumor as a spiteful conspiracy.
Carole Baskin is Penn State.
Jeff Lowe
When Joe found himself in hard times, he turned to Jeff Lowe for financial support. It soon became obvious that Jeff was not the man he portrayed himself to be and did not have the money to save the day.
A decade ago, the Big Ten sought a blue-blood program that would boost the image of the conference. They landed a team with a proud history and recent success that by all accounts looked like a strong addition to the conference. However, in the end, the B1G landed a paper tiger without much bite.
Jeff Lowe is Nebraska.
Mario Tabraue
Mario has a checkered past and sold drugs to "support his big cat addiction."
He's a little bit of an outsider and doesn't always play by the rules. He's not the biggest or baddest, and certainly doesn't compare to the other godfathers of the big cat world, but he's somebody you don't want to mess with and someone you don't want to catch you slipping.
There's a team in the Big Ten that's not threatening enough to consistently rival anybody and is full of players are often bypassed by the elite schools and regularly plays the role of Little Brother. Nonetheless, a scuffle with them could go south in a hurry if you don't give them the proper respect.
Mario Tabraue is Michigan State.
Kelci Saffery
Kelci "Saff" Saffery is a hard and loyal member of Joe's team who had her left arm shredded by a tiger resulting in her hand being amputated shortly after.
She was back at work five days later.
In the Big Ten, there's a school that has a history of working hard with little success or recognition. They get mauled on the football field, take it, and come back for more the next week. These days, they even seem to be playing with one arm.
Kelci Saffery is Illinois.
Don Lewis
Don Lewis was a multi-millionaire who fell in love with Carole Baskin. The rich, old, man walked away from his comfortable life with his wife and family to be with the young blonde. In August of 1997, Lewis left his home and was never seen again.
In 2014, an old school with a rich and proud history left its conference for the money and glamour of the Big Ten. Since then, this program has disappeared from the college football landscape and may as well be in the belly of a tiger. Like Lewis, there is little hope of ever seeing this team have a pulse again.
Don Lewis is Rutgers.
John Finley
John is Joe's longest-term husband. He hasn't really accomplished much and is really only famous by association, but he's young and excitable and has the potential to be dangerous if steered (rowed?) in the right direction.
There's a Big Ten team that's been riding the success of the rest of the conference for years, but has recently shown potential and some youthful exuberance.
John Finley is Minnesota.
James Garretson
James talks a big game, but in the end, he found little success. Yes, James did have some business success, but James wanted the government to like him. James tried to entrap Joe and have him pay an undercover agent to kill Carole.
There's a program in the West that is consistently talked up, but only occasionally finds success. This team's coach has won more Big Ten Coach of the Year awards than he deserves. It makes you wonder if he snitched on somebody.
James Garretson is Iowa.
Joshua Dial
The young Mr. Dial was Joe's campaign manager. Joshua was hired for his brains, and rightfully so.
He knew damn well that Joe Exotic was not going to get elected as Oklahoma's governor, and had no expectations of winning anything, but he was smart enough to run a campaign that earned Joe an astounding 19 percent of the vote.
A team in Indiana is known for its intelligence. They know that they aren't going to win the Big Ten, but that's not going to stop them from trying, and occasionally doing better than expected against all odds.
Joshua Dials is Purdue.
Allen Glover
Allen is a former con who has the reputation of being a bad man. So bad that Joe hired him to kill Carole. But in the end, Allen wasn't that tough and couldn't complete the job.
There's a team in the Big Ten West that annually gets the reputation as the program that might dethrone the kings of the Big Ten East. But like Allen, this team never shows up it's slaying time in the Big Ten Championship.
Allen Glover is Wisconsin.
Doc Antle
Dr. Bhagavan Antle runs the Myrtle Beach Safari like a boss. He is in complete control of the big cats and women in his life. All of the other characters on Tiger King look up to Doc Antle and his success.
Like the Doc, there is another program in the Big Ten that runs like a well-oiled machine and has all of the other schools looking up.
Doc Antle is Ohio State.
Doc Antle's Wives
The ladies bow to the all-powerful doctor and are always willing to do his bidding. Why? They know they will be taken care of...and the ladies like to be dominated by a more powerful individual.
Historically, there have been several schools in the Big Ten that relish their subordinate role to Ohio State. Since 2005, there are three schools that the Buckeyes are 28–0 against. These four programs know their place.
Doc Antle's Wives are Indiana, Maryland, and Northwestern. Rutgers should have been on this list, but its football program is missing.
