Ancient Midwest football dreams are a reality in 2024.
America's corn people have screaming for generations about how southern football teams wouldn't dare to come play a November game in one of their frigid northern cathedrals - because them boys would freeze, cry and lose. In no particular order.
This has been an empty threat since the Second Industrial Revolution. No self-respecting southern team would ever venture even 50 miles outside the SEC footprint, let alone to the North. It hasn't happened in any November and it never will.
But none of our dead ancestors ever dreamed of wish-casting a December on-campus game against an SEC opponent. Every southern football cynic north of I-70 will have their hyperborean fantasies realized. The future arrives in Columbus next weekend.
Of course, there are a few cracks and tears in the reverie. First, Knoxville is only about seven degrees cooler than Columbus in December - it's not an Aruba-to-Hoth temperature dichotomy the Tennessee Volunteers will be surviving next weekend.
Ohio State doesn't play Michigan next weekend. THe opponent is Tennessee. not oregon. Not georgia. Not "toughness." Not the Los Angeles Chargers. *Just tennessee*.
Second, Ohio State isn't exactly soaring into this opportunity coming off the latest chapter of The Very Bad Thing which the program has serialized since the pandemic - and that brings us to the most important point, especially if the head coach is accidentally reading this.
Any attempt by the Buckeyes to relitigate the 2024 Michigan game or four-year old comments made by the now-head coach of the Los Angeles Chargers is a proven plan to losing. The 2021 loss in Ann Arbor has metastasized into more losses. This is what the failure to be disciplined looks like.
Third, Ryan Day's offense has turned into a little roly poly bug on occasions when the elements get a little too elementy. A little wind against Michigan here, a lot of wind against Northwestern there - puckering is internal, but inclement weather doesn't help. Ancient Midwest football dreams were predicated on three yards and a cloud of dust.
Fourth of all, it's the college football playoff. The Buckeyes have been regulars in this invitational, so we know these games are not won or lost with thermometer readings. They are won or lost on dubious replay reviews that rob Ohio State of defensive touchdowns, allow Marvin Harrison Jr. to be headhunted without a flag and eject anyone wearing a silver helmet for borderline targeting with solid fundamentals, dynamic playmakers and emotionally-intelligent coaching.
That's our recipe to converting ancient, empty northern threats into prophesy. Stay committed to winning the game and not some other emotional distraction. Nervous football gets eliminated. Lords of Discipline win and advance to Pasadena.
James Laurinaitis and Larry Johnson watch from the sideline during the Indiana game at Ohio Stadium in Columbus on Monday, Nov. 25, 2024. © Adam Cairns/Columbus Dispatch / USA TODAY NETWORK via Imagn Images
1. Get everyone on the same page.
This has nothing to do with players or coaches. We're talking about Buckeye fans.
If the home team is able to get everyone wearing scarlet to shout WHERE THE HELL WAS THAT AGAINST MICHIGAN in unison, that means the Buckeyes are actively ending the Volunteers' season.
No other details necessary. If Ohio State fans are mad at how well the team is playing, that means Ohio State is winning. Anger. Impotent frustration. This is how Buckeye fans express joy.
2. Keep Grandma from Swearing at her TV
Kirk Herbstreit didn't have nice things to say about the Ohio Stadium crowd getting vocal and negative during the Michigan game, but booing carries more nuance than Herbie chose to acknowledge. Those are details better left to a half-dozen columns I'll probably write during the offseason (thanks as always for the content, Herbie).
Buckeye fans don't boo the Buckeyes. They boo unnecessary futility, which is a choice. They boo conspicuously poor effort, bonehead plays, penalties, bad officiating, good opponents - but most of all, they boo grown-ups making decisions every foul-mouthed grandmother from Portsmouth to Ashtabula knows are dumb.
If old ladies in their favorite chairs across the state are not cartoonishly admonishing what they're seeing on television, Tennessee is playing its last game of the 2024 season.
3. Read the Bulletin Board Material
Tennessee head coach Josh Heupel might have lost this game for his team before the sun even set on the bracket reveal last Sunday. He went on live television and said:
(Ohio State has) a roster that’s full of elite players. Coached extremely well. They’re smart. They’re tough. They’re physical on both sides of the line of scrimmage. They do a great job on special teams, too. For us, we need to understand the quality of the opponent we’re getting ready to play.
Josh, you sweet, simple bumpkin - you played right into Day's hands. Had you said something to the effect of oh I'm sure OSU is good for a northern team, but I don't think their offensive line can handle an SEC front, Mississippi State is probably better you could have called the Buckeyes' plays yourself next Saturday.
The Buckeyes would have made your elite rushers the focal point of the game with their patchwork crew of backups and chronic underwhelmers. Tennessee had every chance to trick Marty McFly into self-destructing by calling him chicken but instead its head coach chose to flatter his team.
If the Buckeyes advance they should only focus on what Heupel had to say about them for the remainder of the tournament, because smarter coaches won't make the same mistake.
Emeka Egbuka catches a TD pass against Penn State at Beaver Stadium on Saturday, Nov. 2, 2024. © Adam Cairns/Columbus Dispatch / USA TODAY NETWORK via Imagn Images
4. Make Tennessee's Defense Work Harder Than it Wants To
As the season wore on, Ohio State started slowing down games and checking in with the sideline for extended periods between plays, possibly giving its former play caller the last right of refusal for what was coming down from Chip Kelly in the booth.
The result was fewer points than any team featuring Quinshon Judkins, TreVeyon Henderson, a steady veteran quarterback and Ohio State's wide receivers should accumulate. The Buckeye offense did not clear 40 in a single conference game this season in large part because it chose to shorten games. Instead of stressing defenses, it stressed itself.
The Buckeyes' only touchdown against Michigan came when they played with tempo. The Volunteer defense does not deserve breaks. It deserves no mercy. It deserves to be stressed to the point where it's choosing to quit and the bone chill is 100 degrees colder than the wind chill.
5. Throw the Damn Ball
Georgia's Carson Beck had 347 yards passing against this Tennessee defense. The Bulldogs' strategy was to spread them out and force the Vols to defend more of the field than they wanted to.
Ohio State's fetish with 12 and 13-personnel takes wide receivers off the field and replaces them with guys with iffy hands and iffier blocking. That's not a terrible idea in the 2nd half with a big lead, but if you're interested in getting Ohio Stadium on your side - consider fireworks during the 1st half. Please refer to No.1 on this list.
Early touchdowns are worth a lot more than six points. Emeka Egbuka, Jeremiah Smith and Carnell Tate cannot all be covered by any secondary in the FBS - someone is open. Focus on executing the plays 100,000 people will see and then shout in unison, WHERE THE HELL WAS THAT AGAINST MICHIGAN.
Move quickly. Throw the damn ball. Repeat throughout the evening. Joyous noises will follow.
Jayden Fielding watches a missed field goal attempt during the Michigan game at Ohio Stadium in Columbus on Tuesday, Dec. 3, 2024. © Adam Cairns/Columbus Dispatch / USA TODAY NETWORK via Imagn Images
6. Don't Allow Weaknesses to Become Difference Makers
If someone had told you before the Michigan game that Ohio State would be attempting three field goals, you would have known before kickoff the Buckeyes were going to lose to a three-touchdown underdog.
Ohio State doesn't win games with special teams. It forfeits the margins well over 90% of the time, with rare exceptions like Caleb Downs making a Caleb Downs play - the units are objectively meandering and ineffective. They cannot be relied upon. Believing four years of a bad trend will reverse next Saturday is a plan to fail.
Similarly, Ohio State's offensive line - in its current, precarious condition - does not win games. It should be relied on to hold serve only, which means like special teams - its performance should be minimized, not amplified.
The Buckeyes will beat UT with their skill players and defense. Lean on strengths, not weaknesses.
7. Kill Marconi
Ohio State's offense oscillates between brilliantly disguising plays by running several of them out of the same formation, using motion, play-action and true run-pass options...and lining up and basically shouting what it intends to do.
That's actually okay, if the telegraphed play is working - hold onto that for a second. We're talking about telegraphing plays Ohio State wishes were working, which is a plan to fail.
Fortunately, there are no more mediocre boogeymen on the schedule to trick the coaching staff into poisoning its strategy. Only championship-caliber opponents remain until the Buckeyes either lose again or run out of teams to play.
A gentle reminder from earlier -
Ohio State doesn't play Michigan next weekend. The opponent is Tennessee.
It's true! Look it up. Oh, Marconi invented the wireless telegraph. He's dead. Kill him figuratively.
8. Embrace boredom
Tom Herman discovered against Oregon in the 2014 CFP title game that the Ducks couldn't stop the counter trey to Ezekiel Elliott, so he hammered that button until the Buckeyes won the national championship by three touchdowns.
Decades earlier, Jim Tressel demonstrated the elegance of not overthinking while at Syracuse:
Tressel, as Syracuse’s play-caller in the early 1980s, called the same run 10 straight plays, gaining yards each time. Orange head coach Dick MacPherson called up to his quarterbacks coach, wondering if his offense had any more than one play.
"Yes, we do, Coach," Tressel told his boss. "As soon as they stop this one, I’ll call it."
The Buckeyes have had success this season with a number of concepts they refuse to stick to, from screens to players out of the backfield to simply throwing toward where the best freshman receiver in program history will be.
It's okay to be boring if boring works. Telegraph the plays your opponents don't want to defend.
Jeremiah Smith makes a one-handed TD catch against Iowa in Ohio Stadium. © Samantha Madar/USA TODAY Network via Imagn Images
9. The Whole Goddamn Point of Recruiting Five-Star Aliens is to Allow Them To Be The Difference Makers That They Are and Win Big Games For Your Team On Account of Them Being Better at Football Than Anyone Else on the Field.
Not involving no.4 in the 2nd half of the Michigan game was a football crime so egregious it should accompany criminal charges. The Wolverines' strategy to stop him was to accept DPI flags. Tennessee does not have a defensive back capable of covering any of the Buckeyes' top three receivers.
It is an unexceptional secondary. It's at best similar to what Michigan brought to Ohio Stadium.
Kickers are people too, but they should never replace Ohio State's best players on 4th and short. I'm not sure how many more examples of why ignoring playmakers is a plan to lose this staff needs to finally understand that, but hopefully the most recent game hit their required sample size.
10. Just. Win. The. Game.
Tennessee is not about revenge (though some of us, because of this football disease we share are still shitty about the 1996 Citrus Bowl - it's not important). That game doesn't matter.
This is not a toughness contest. It's not a rushing yards challenge. It's not a tight end showcase for a recruit who demands to see his position being used in the passing game. It's not a redemption opportunity for a field goal kicker who just missed a couple of chippies in the rivalry game. It's not a bet to prove a pass rush is possible without blitzing.
It's a football game where the team with the most points wins. Focusing on anything else is a recipe for losing the crowd, losing the players, losing foul-mouthed grandmothers, losing the game and losing a few high-paying jobs.
Just beat the 2024 Tennessee Volunteers. If Ohio State loses the rushing yards total or an imaginary toughness contest in the process, I'm sure the trip to Pasadena will help soothe sore feelings.
