Folks... *rips open illegal FourLoko with teeth* I've been waiting eight years and five days for today. On a day where it's either an exorcism of 10,000 festering demons or a cold, moldy dish in the darkest circles of Hell... there is only one beverage suitable for an occasion like this.
Today, l drink from my finest 2010 vintage, Watermelon FourLoko reserves; let slip the dogs of caffeinated malt liquor.
For years, I've had slander tossed my way by everybody from Alabama's YouTube army of PG-13 trash-talkers to piddling Tennessee fans ("cool Texas T tattoo bro, hook 'em" was all it took) to dingy Michigan hipsters with a mystifying number of hockey jerseys hanging in their closets.
Why? Because I said "Actually, Ohio State is good" and tabbed them for a big win? Roughly 99% of other teams' fans would trade spots with Ohio State instantly. The only salty holdouts would be a backwater syndicate of jorts-wearers who are untethered from reality and fans of a team Ohio State bullied in their own backyard about a week ago. I apologize for nothing.
But lo! The haters had their time, short as it was. The two championship losses, Tatgate, the 2012 TaxSlayer.com Bowl... and yet... there's less acid being thrown in my face than in weeks past. (It would make a more intelligent man think, for sure.)
Granted, the masses still doubt. While the betting line was trending towards the Buckeyes, the word on the street is it will close at Oregon (-7), which means Urban Meyer has 'em right where he wants 'em.
Watch how many pundits today will try to cover their Oregon prediction with feigned, ass-covering respect for Ohio State. They get no quarter in my realm.
Against all the odds and the rivers of saltwater, Ohio State stands on the cusp of greatness. True champions don't miss. I'll take the team coached by Urban Meyer, the two-time champion, thanks.
SET YOUR DVR: ESPN is pulling no punches with its production tonight. The skinny on tonight's affairs:
| Time (ET PM) | BOWL | Matchup | Favorite | TV |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 8:30 | DAT CHIP | No. 2 OREGON vs. No. 4 OHIO STATE | ORE (-6½) | ESPN |
REMINDER: All ElevenWarriors Worldwide LLC championship coverage — featuring everything from in-depth looks like Ross' scouting of Oregon's offense to viral smash-hits like the official championship hype trailer or Walt's title game poster — is in one hub located over those yonder hills.
TODAY'S NSFW ANTI-WORK #BANGERS: Ohio's GDP these next two days likely won't set any records. My contributions to that quest:
- My favorite Wire scene featuring my favorite character, the rough-and-tumble Slim Charles.
- Make disrespecting OSU your schtick, and Buckeye Nation will find you and boo you mercilessly on national television. (Take note, future trolls: ANY PLACE YOU THINK OF CALLING HOME, IT WILL BE OSU'S WORD THAT FINDS YOU.)
- The only song you need today: Young Jeezy ft. Jay Z - "I Put On (Remix)"
- Justified's Boyd Crowder, TV's reigning villain, wants his $300,000 and DQ franchise.
- Honoring Boyd Crowder is no disrespect to NBC's Dr. Hannibal Lecter.
- Oldie that still bangs: Clip from BBC's documentary on "commanding general" Woody Hayes. Granted, Woody Hayes wouldn't have been employed long in this era, but one thing I hate is that there isn't more media clips of Woody Hayes. I could literally listen to that man for 10,000 hours straight. I'd like to think he's swollen with pride on a day like today.
- Eight minutes of clips from the 2002 Fiesta Bowl, which ends with Ken Dorsey on his knees and Hall of Famer Jim Tressel lifting a crystal football. (BONUS: Six minutes and 46 seconds of Maurice "the Freshman" Clarett highlights.)
RADIO PROGRAMMING ALERT: I'm conquering a fear of mine and making a radio appearance on Oregon radio's Think Out Loud program around 3:30 today. I'll be discussing Oregon's feral dog problem and why I think Ohio State, not Oregon, will win the big game. Catch the stream to listen to see how many "you knows" and "umms" I subconsciously drop into a conversation where my main focus will be not to cuss.
ONE TIME FOR ETERNITY, YOLODALE. BISHOP JOHNSON... If you would be so kind to lead us in a battle hymn:
Remember when I wrote this on December 3rd, 2014, and everybody said "lol I see what u did there, sir" like I wouldn't have painted a brick wall in my own blood with this message:
Glad to see Barrett will be ready for spring ball, but good lord will the QB camp be at a logjam come spring with a two-time Big Ten Offensive Player of the Year, the reigning Big Ten Freshman of the Year, and the reigning College Football Playoffs MVP. Talk about #BuckeyeProblems.
I might've ended up ruing the decision to include the two-time Big Ten Offensive Player of the Year (who is somehow now underrated by OSU fans), but the prophecy of King Cardale's Iron Reign would've made up for it two-fold.
Cardale Jones was talented enough to play elsewhere out of high school, but he wanted to be a Buckeye. He "chose" military school over the utopia of true freshman year. He took a red-shirt. He made a bad tweet. He borderline washed out, but then the man who admitted he hasn't always taken preparation seriously earned the field promotion of a lifetime.
Before Young Scooter passed the torch to Glenville's finest, there was foreshadowing of the greatness to come: Gauge leaping over a suddenly helpless Maryland defender or throwing an interception before pinwheeling the culprit to the brinks of an unknown dimension are just two of the highs before the parting of the Red Sea against the No. 11 ranked Wisconsin Badgers in Indianapolis.
Since then Doze only managed to decimate Alabama and given us make the most well-delivered and funniest "Your Mom" joke since 1953. Pound for pound and minute for minute, there might not be a better résumé in college football.
Nobody has more riding on this game than No. 12. A recent father/legend, it's likely Jones already earned lifetime employment in Central Ohio, but if he leads Ohio State's to its eighth title (and first since 2002)... he could literally run for Mayor and serve as true king of the great city of ours until he decides to retire to the French Riviera.
Dale could also throw five interceptions tonight, and it wouldn't change the love I've developed for this man. I feel — to the depths of my soul — the big fella will be firing on all 12 cylinders tonight. He's come too far to do anything else.
I also don't care if it's an NCAA violation; the Feds can throw me in jail, but I will build a statue of Ohio State's newest titan with my own (regular-sized) hands that scrapes the heavens if tonight's game goes down as I think it will. Dolo would deserve no less.
TL;DR: I'm all-in on the one true king: Cardale Jones, the 12th Son of Ohio.
CHAMPIONSHIP X-FACTOR. Who's your X-Factor tonight? My pick is the same as always: Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Texas Rattlesnake. (Brothers and sisters: You just never know when that glass is going to break and a Stone Cold typhoon is unleashed.)
From Tom Dienhart of BTN.com:
“I think so,” said Vannett. “There are areas we can expose in their defense, especially in the second level. But you never really know what to expect, like the defense Virginia Tech played against us. If it’s there, me and Jeff will be ready to expose it.”
Few teams have not just one—but two—tight ends of this ilk. They are mismatches waiting to happen for most defenses. Linebackers typically can’t keep pace with Heuerman and Vannett—and defensive backs lack the size and strength to deal with them.
“They both are good football players,” said tight ends coach Tim Hinton. “They both do their job well. And they are tremendously selfless. We have asked them to do a lot of protections that tight ends don’t normally do. But it got us to the game.”
The crazy thing about Ohio State's offense is any skill player could be labeled "an x-factor," and it would be a decision grounded in logic.
MEYER LIKES THE CREATIVES. We pause from my typo-ridden rants to mention 1) Ohio State is set to add former Nebrasaka OC Tim Beck to the staff 2) Beck appears to have the intensity of a mafia hitman 3) There's no other reaction to this hiring than "In Urban Meyer We Trust."
From Doug Lesmerises of cleveland.com:
Meyer wants is a room that winds up on the same page, but only after healthy debate. Warinner said Meyer is as good as any coach he's ever been around at encouraging the flow of ideas.
"Provided you prove it thoroughly and explain the play and the concept and that you have answers for the problems a defense presents," Warinner saids. "So if you have a great idea you have thought through clearly and you know what the answers are to the different things defenses do, he's wide open to that.
"He loves creativity. He stimulates creativity, to be honest with you. That's one of the things he does best as a head coach is to stimulate creativity and growth, provided it's not way out of what we do."
I still can't believe Ed Warinner, who had three former proteges start NFL playoff games as rookies, didn't get hired by Kansas. I guess that's why losers stay losing, though.
ONLY READ 11W'S COMMENTS. For a guy who starts a majority of his days by rolling over in bed and reading internet comments, I've truly come to appreciate the community at 11W. The coolest thing about is it's curated by its own hivemind.
But enough horn-tooting, and instead let's turn to One of the Worst People on the Internet:
#neverreadthecomments pic.twitter.com/1GWH5TZZoa
— Ryan Ginn (@RyanGinnBSB) January 10, 2015
I'm not sure what baffles me more: People who think they have the authority to play internet rent-a-cop or thinking a post on Instagram or Tweeting are laborious undertakings.
If one more person tells me to get off twitter and worry about the game ...
— EzekielElliott#15 (@EzekielElliott) January 11, 2015
These people are the scourge of #BuckeyeInternet, and this #take may be too hot, but I'm going to let it rip because CHAMPIONSHIP: Fans who tweeted things like this (to two pillars of the team, no less) should be banned from celebrating if Ohio State wins tonight.
HAPPY TRAILS, MICHAEL BENNETT. On a team so likable it might as well be made up of 85 Stuart Scotts (peace be upon that icon of my childhood), it says a lot that Michael Bennett is one of the most affable guys on the team.
Love it: Michael Bennett tells @pnewberry1963 why he wears No. 53 in honor of late teammate Kosta Karageorge. https://t.co/7kRh9viqGN
— Brent Yarina (@BTNBrentYarina) January 10, 2015
(R.I.P. Kosta Karageorge.)
It seems like it was years ago, but there was a time earlier this season when some scouts were questioning what they were seeing from Ohio State's world-eating defensive tackle.
And then, in the immediate lead-up to the Michigan State game, Bennett took (what an idiot would assume to be) six hours to tweet this:
Big time players make big time plays in big time games. Strap up. #OH
— Mike (@mike63bennett) November 8, 2014
And the only people who have looked back is opposing offensive linemen. I'll be shocked if Bennett doesn't move dirt by the ton tonight.
JACOB JARVIS RODE TO DALLAS. Does Jacob Jarvis have any warlock blood in him? I only ask because Ohio State's greatest fan is standing with two men responsible for one of the worst nights in my life, and I don't even care.
Great time hanging out with Jacob and Tebow pic.twitter.com/LUm8JG7pOC
— Urban Meyer (@OSUCoachMeyer) January 12, 2015
I read Jarvis (and his brother, Noah) would be able to attend the game for whatever reasons, and I don't know how it happened, but seeing him down in Dallas is easily 10 Happy Jamarcos for me.
If Ohio State wins, the Jarvis brothers should get two championship pinkie rings.
THE $10,000 PRESIDENTIAL POWER PARLAY. Our nation's 29th (and greatest) president, Warren Gamaliel Harding, was a renowned gambler, golfer and lover of life. As such, his sage wagering advice and stories of criminal bravado are brought here through the medieval art of necromancy.
Seeing as President Harding ushered us into economic success unheard of in human history (before being tragically assassinated by his jealous wife, causing the tanking of the economy), his words might as well be chiseled into stone tablets. (All views and opinions presented should only be considered those of President Warren G. Harding.)
WARNING: The content of the $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay is NSFW and intended for mature audiences. Viewer discretion is highly advised. Seriously.
To my only love, these ice-cold streets....
First of all, the only Organ Trail in which I'm interested is paved with neatly-trimmed pubic hair.
Imagine, if you will, how disappointed those folks were on the Oregon Trail though... to brave the wild frontier only to end up in Oregon, which is Washington's broke-down cousin who financed its last meth-bender by pawning Utah's Depression-era Chinawear. It might seem hard to believe, but I was more disappointed to learn there was no Organ Trail.
In all seriousness, however, I ask: What's that legalized pimp, Phil Knight, done with his war chest? Oregon's jersey cache is more opulent than its trophy case. Is that low-hanging fruit? I honestly don't know because my "intern" picked it for me at the local market. I haven't stepped foot outside my Venetian apartment in three months.
Ohio State, tho? Ohio State is much like me — forged in the muck after being kicked down by a smirking society.
The line on the big game opened up at (-7) and started to shrink so fast I thought it made the mistake of coming under one of my nostrils. (There's a reason my cadre calls me 2Gauge after all.) But, the line is trending back towards Oregon (-7).
To which I say: You can keep your touchdown. In the end, we are all chained to our pasts. And this game features one state who was the coal that fired this country to greatness, and the other is a state whose greatest export is an archaic video game that features broken wagon axles and fictional #teens succumbing to baby diseases like typhoid fever. (I carried syphilis and a cluster of concubines for two decades before my haters saw me to my grave, and I'm supposed to shed a tear over some polio? Nah.)
Who chose the Duck for a mascot anyway? That's the kind of milquetoast result I'd expect from a suburban grade school's straw poll. I don't even feed duck to my dog, whom I detest.
Matter fact: I don't have time for games like this. This week's $10,000 Presidential Power Parlay is as follows: Ohio State ($$$ line).
I dare somebody to tell me that's not a parlay for the ages, because they won't be drinking champagne around me during Tuesday's sunrise.
WARREN G HARDING
29th PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
In case I just got fired: It was an honor to serve this great website and community.
#PERTINENTHEISENBERG: There could only be one clip. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF KING YOLODALE DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR WORK TODAY!?
PSA NOBODY ASKED ME FOR: Students and "non-associates," hear me now! Win or lose, remember 95% of people carry cameras in their pockets. Throwing gas on that couch nobody uses anyway might seem like a good idea at the time... but trust me, there's no good reason to risk soiling one of the best nights of your life with a moronic decision you can never take back. Google never forgets.
PREDICTION NOBODY ASKED ME FOR: Alabama's defeat was stitched into the stars. Oregon, however, is a much tougher beast.
I don't see Ohio State as an underdog, but it can't afford to make some of the mistakes we saw early against Michigan State or Alabama. Oregon is a much more talented team than Alabama, and Mariota is the best player Ohio State has faced this season. Unlike Alabama, there's a chance Oregon could win.
In the end, however, I don't see how Oregon stops Ezekiel Elliott. I also think Joey Bosa knocks a diamond loose from Marcus Mariota's carnie-like hands. It will be a fight, but I think Ohio State pulls away late because the defense will make key plays.
BUCKEYES: 52, OREGON: 42.
If I'm wrong, then you can find me in the ship's wheel, chugging Lady Bligh and calmly awaiting death's embrace like Captain Smith.
If that's what the stars hold for me, then my only life's regret is that I could only muster ten fingers, a feeble mind, and an overpriced TimeWarner WiFi connection to serve the greatest state's greatest institution.
#GoBucks
THOSE WMDs. Rick Reilly is truly a parody of himself these days... Paul Pogba makes it look easy... Flexible spinal cord implants will let paralyzed people walk.. From @JarodHart: Austistic man builds feline fun house.... I would leave my GF to make this woman my wife... Perpetrate in Marion and get touched anywhere... Get bent, Cowboys... My readers been known: Puppies are bullshit... NSFW: How do I adopt this woman and make her my grandma?
