The Pitch

With a  top recruiting class in the books, and another crop quickly taking shape in Columbus, Urban Meyer has proven time and time again he is a top-notch recruiter. 

This in your living room. Hard to turn down.

Few coaches put more emphasis on a program’s lifeblood than Meyer, just listen to the guy:

“I love tradition, but I love recruiting better,” Meyer said in February. “Recruiting is really important in the game of college football. Like, really important. More important than anything else. You get my point?"

It’s something fans don’t think of much but college football coaches are tasked with two jobs: be an excellent coach, and be an even better salesman.

Some HC’s have the X’s and O’s down, but simply don’t have the charisma to hard-sell a program.

Others can sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves, but are still working on the whole winning football games thing.

Rarely is a team blessed with a head man who can juggle both roles brilliantly. Luckily, OSU has exactly that in Meyer.

While fans are able to see what Urban does every Saturday, the other half of his job (that whole salesman thing) is largely hidden from view.

Unless you’re a top-tier recruit, chances are you’ll never hear Meyer’s living room pitch.

So it got me thinking, what exactly is he saying to these kids in the comfort of their own homes? I did some digging and believe it or not, I was able to get my hands on a recording of one of Meyer’s OSU elevator pitches.

It turns out through a complex system of baby monitors, minimal tree interference and darn good luck, a neighbor of a top recruit was able to listen in to Meyer’s recruiting schpeel. What follows is the transcript. 

Urban: Hi, how are you darn good to meet you your son is a damn good player, couldn’t wait to get over here to speak with his amazing family.

Dad: Thanks Coach Meyer, we couldn’t have been happier when you gave us the call.

Urban: Well I didn’t have a choice, when you see a tape like that it wasn’t even a question.

Mom: You’re too kind. Would you like some coffee?

Urban: No thank you I drank something Coach Coombs brewed up for me before I came and I can barely blink.

So anyway, let’s get down to it, your boy is a star. It’s clear. We’re building something special on the banks of the Olentangy and there’s no question your young man would be an integral piece of that foundation.

What foundation you ask? Well I brought some images and video to help convey the opportunity.

Let’s start at the beginning, you see first and foremost, your son will be able to wear this:

Normally when I do these things kids commit right after I show that photo, but I see your boy is a tougher nut to crack. Pun intended guys. (Laughter from the room)

It's clear you’re a young man who likes to weigh his options, so I’ll go ahead and give you something substantial to chew on. Pay attention because these are gonna come at you fast.

You see as a Buckeye you’ll get the chance to play here:

Earn these

Hear this:

And this:

And This:

In addition, you'll get to play under a staff of coaches who have three of these:

A few of these:

Helped a player earn one of these

And have two of these

Finally, you'll get to beat up on this:

Earn these:

And if you’re good enough do this:

There's much more but it's clear that topline overview was effective, as you're drooling on yourself. You see Mr. and Mrs. [Name redacted] these days these pitches are easier than ever. When you’ve got a product that sells itself it’s not too tough.

(Silence in the room. It’s assumed during this time Meyer was shaking dad’s hand while winking at mom)

Urban: As you can see your son is in a state of catatonic delight. This is completely normal, it happens with roughly 8 out of 10 recruits.

His ability to talk will be gone for the next hour or so, and that perma-grin on his face wont subside for at least the next few days. Just keep him hydrated and call me when he snaps out of it. Usually their first words when they come to are: “I’m in” but occasionally they’ll simply whisper “O.H.” to the sky.

[front door closes, Meyer cruises away with his vehicle's top down. "Money aint a thing" is heard faintly in the distance. It's assumed the phrase was screamed through the sunroof]

Shortly after, this tweet was sent from his account.

Sometimes recruiting gets so easy that I like to throw in a challenge. Smeared pizza sauce on my face 2day and recruited a kid #gottheverbal

— Urban Meyer (Nope) (@UrbanMeyerOSUHC) December 1, 2011

Another flag planted.