Friday Skull Session

Syria may be approaching the endgame of its sectarian/ethnic strife, but it appears an equally troubling conflict has turned High Street into a gasoline-soaked gunpowder keg with various shadowy factions all holding flame-throwers. I am, obviously, talking about the budding burrito wars.

Chipotle had long been the Burrito Tyrant before Qdoba called its bannermen and posted a bastion of rebellion between 18th and 17th on High. Then, Moe's moved into the crypt of Larry's, which of course had been desecrated by the worst bar in the history of Western Civilization: the Sloppy Donkey. 

And then, out of nowhere, came Currito, an international band of mercenaries with offerings like a "Mediterranean" and "Bangkok" burritos, touching down between 13th and 14th on High earlier this month. 

This is all without mentioning Taco Bell, a heretic conglomerate, who has a seedy shanty just south of the Gateway from which they pump their off-brand, rubber-based Mexican food.

Folks, the 'rito game is fierce in these streets, and I'm not sure when the bloodletting will begin, but it's coming. This campus simply isn't big enough for these boundaries to hold a peace forever. Please be safe if you're venturing to Columbus tomorrow. These burrito peddlers are ruthless, and I doubt collateral damage is something that even crosses their minds when going out to protect their turf by any means necessary. I would hate to see any of you dissolved in a barrel of acid and entombed at the bottom of Mirror Lake.

Also, if you do safely make it to the game, try not to get incinerated inside Ohio Stadium. Late August + noon kick-off + inferior opponent ≠ the best recipe for Ohio State football, but after the hellacious trudge through this offseason, I'm not sure I'm in a position to arbitrarily nitpick. Ohio State football is awesome and is the best vehicle in which to validate the Ohio nationalism that courses through my veins (that is until the Almighty Cleveland Browns cover themselves in Super Bowl glory in February).

Other than that, THERE'S FOOTBAW ON TELEVISION. It really is quite the Christmas miracle.

INFO GLEANED FROM URBAN MEYER'S RADIO CALL-IN SHOW. I don't do sports radio, because if I wanted to listen to pompous idiots spew inane opinions about sports I wouldn't have to leave the confines of the eternal Kohl's dumpster-fire that is my mind. Yesterday, however, when surfing the radio waves to escape the wretchedness that is Power 107.5, Columbus' Home for Eight Awful R&B and a Future Song, I stumbled upon Urban Meyer's call-in show. Even when arriving at my destination, I sat in my car and listened. This is the power Urban Meyer holds over me, and I'm not even a guy he recruited to embarrass the B1G in football. Here are some highlights: 

While there are only about five thousand better phrases to deploy in defense of Urban Meyer, I always do get a kick out of people using catch-all jabs at people's "class," but that's probably because I have about as much class as two pregnant women brawling in a Waffle House restroom at 2PM on a Wednesday. 

GARY DANIELSON KNOWS WHAT THE FANS CAME TO SEE. What the hell is up with the SEC thinking the hurry-up offense is some sort of black magic that needs to be eradicated for the "good of the game"? First it was Nick Saban, then it was the humanoid Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Bert Beliema. Now it's Gary Danielson, a man who assumedly makes a couple million dollars a year to commentate on football games for CBS. (CBS, obviously, owns the broadcast rights to the SEC — are you starting to see a common thread here?) 

Anyway, Danielson gave a sermon so mind-numbingly dumb it deserves its own monument in its entirety:

Yes, that's right: Gary Danielson thinks fans "love the huddle." I mean, who amongst us doesn't go to football games to watch padded, colossal men stand around in a circle and go over plays? Who amongst us actually enjoys watching the Oregon Ducks take a piss on the tradition of football? Hell, if we're going after the no-huddle, why stop there? Why not revoke the forward pass to get football back to its rugby-like roots?

Seriously though, it amuses me how the SEC apparently thinks it owns the rights to "proper football." Hey, they've enjoyed a lot of success, but those years are merely figments of our collective imaginations at this point. Just keep doing doing you, SEC. Football DEFINITELY isn't an eternally evolving game. 

How the hell did Rufus get the drop on Brutus?

11W GETTIN' SOCIAL IN CHITOWN. (I can feel Chicagoans cringing at my tourist-y use of CHITOWN from here.) For months now, rumors have swirled about 11W emissaries being seen around the Windy City working local business contacts to find the proper hosting grounds for an unknown event.

Yesterday, the Windy City Social was officially announced; full details can be found here.

If you live in Chicago, or can make the voyage, I promise it's worth checking out. (The first time I drank with Ramzy and Jason and the 11W crew they buried me in a seemingly-endless well of Patrón. You can see a reenactment on the left, with Brutus playing me and Rufus the Bobcat playing Patrón.) 

KIDS, MICHIGAN STADIUM IS A DRUG-FREE ZONE. Apparently it's some sort of tradition for Michigan students to "break-in" to Michigan Stadium and run around the field. Yet, some students took this tradition to the next level by inviting two of college kids' oldest friends: alcohol and marijuana. Turns out the cops were waiting, and it ended with the handcuffs coming out:

It might be a time-honored tradition to break into The Big House and run around on the field, but an illegal trip to the Ann Arbor landmark ended in handcuffs early Wednesday.

Six University of Michigan students and one visitor were found with alcohol and marijuana on the turf of Michigan Stadium, according to police.

According to the University of Michigan Police Department’s summary, the people were found at 2:41 a.m. Wednesday. The stadium is at 1201 S. Main St.

It probably says something about me in how much pleasure I derive from the image of Michigan students being arrested, but I don't care. The over/under on kids who cried when they got handcuffed is set at 2.5. The over/under on kids who tried to use their rich parents and their connections as a bargaining chip to evade arrest is set at 5.5. I'm taking the over on both prop bets. 

If these students want to see something get smoked without police intervention, I'd like to cordially invite them back to the scene of the crime on November 30th, 2013. Ohio State will be rolling and smoking those who stand in their way without discrimination.

THE SISTINE CHAPEL HAS RELOCATED TO TUSCALOOSA. The best part about Alabama fans is I can't tell if this bar's artwork was done with any sense of irony. Regardless, this is a hell of a remix on Michelangelo's classic via SBNation: 

THOSE WMDs. A Washington man tried to shoot a drug-wrapped arrow into a prison yard... Detroit has a problem (besides bankruptcy and empty buildings): tens of thousands of feral dogs... A FUNNY VINE... The Youtube Economy is in Peril... Evaluating every NFL quarterback using Google auto fill-in... Even top students from good universities "can't write or form an argument"... The Rollin' 30's gang seems full of great parents... Arrested Marionaire: "THIS IS BULLSHIT! I'M NOT A COCAINE DEALER!"... "Like being in prison with a salary," The Secret World of the Shipping Industry... Bud Light Platinum announced as the official broken bottle of OSU's off-campus area... Florida Man says Police weighed his cocaine wrong... Why ACL injuries sideline so many athletes... Jack Byrnes tells the world why cats are better than dogs... Columbus 2020: Region employment rising fast... US WWII Vets stuntin' in Paris... Kim Jong-Un executed his ex-girlfriend via firing squad... New game: Homeless man sleeping in a coffee shop or Rick Rubin producing a new hit record?... This headline makes me sick... Metta World Peace is Metta World Peace... Mario Balotelli is dat dude... What's your state's favorite type of porn?... Nearly 40% of OVI suspects in Ohio aren't convicted... The first player ejected for Targeting (warranted)... UNC got dirty with Jadeveon...