Monday Skull Session

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times, but mostly, it was the first game of a probable 13 or 14 game campaign that will likely span into January. What can be deduced from Ohio State's game against Buffalo? Quite a bit according to a small faction of Ohio State fans: Luke Fickell is headed for the soup and bread line (despite sharing the other 50% of defensive responsibility with Everett Withers), Taylor Decker should be playing NAIA ball and Ohio State is probably headed for four losses.

Chicken Littles are some of my favorite people in sports, because even a sardonic misanthrope like me gets to wonder how they find any shred of enjoyment in life. Ohio State hasn't lost a football game since January 2012, and for those people who are unsatisfied with 1-0: Ohio State could also be 0-1 and your aorta could have collapsed due to the stress. 

The San Diego State Aztecs are the next on the chopping block, and Urban "2Titlez" Meyer is still Oho State's coach. I like OSU's chances at 2-0 (and by extension, 14-0), even if some fans will be unhappy if the Buckeyes don't win 72-3 and sacrifice San Diego State like actual Aztecs. 

JUST WHY DID URBAN GO FOR TWO? As much as I love Woody's classic one-liner, "because I couldn't go for three" after a thorough demolishing of the semi-organized youth football team up north, Ohio State doesn't carry a blood-feud with the likes of the Buffalo Bulls. Yet, after the first lightning strike TD of the 2013 season, Ohio State went for two via the swinging gate formation or "Magic" as Ohio State coaches have dubbed it. When they scored again, the Buckeyes converted on a second two-point conversion and I began to hope Urban Meyer had done away with kicking extra points altogether. (That's an Ohio State football fantasy of mine, along with becoming a team that refuses to punt.)

That, however, was not the case. But it didn't mean Urban was without reason in what his team did:

It's a pain in the rear end that you have to [prepare for]. [Co-offensive coordinator/offensive line coach Ed] Warriner's done a nice job with that. I think of as many ways to get cheap points and make people work. It looked good today. Those guys did a nice job.

You see, Urban Meyer is sly like a fox. He showed this against Buffalo because now every opponent going forward is going to have to prepare it, which will obviously take practice time away from preparing against things like Braxton Miller's dual-threats or the resurgent Jordan Hall. It's almost like this guy is a ridiculously skilled football coach or something.

THE NEW FACE OF IOWA FOOTBALL. So you may have heard Iowa lost at home this weekend to MAC-powerhouse Northern Illinois. This of course led to Twitter reaming Iowa for giving Ferentz a contract ($18 million buyout, length through 2020) that gives him more job security than Idi Admin enjoyed during the height of his powers. Now, the loss to a MAC school wasn't the most shocking thing to come out of Kinnick Stadium:

1) Kinnick Stadium has a jail? 2) If a man escapes but gets tackled in the process, is it truly an escape? 3) A girl with .341 BAC (.009 away from surgical anesthesia levels) couldn't have been any worse than Jake Roddock (QBR: 32), right? Regardless, thanks to Twitter, her identity was exposed through this tweet that will undoubtedly echo through the ages:

I feel like her arrest was sealed the moment she gave herself the Twitter handle "Vodka_Samm." Regardless, as someone who knows all- too-well the ramifications of drinking liquor at a college football tailgate before 8 AM, I really can't do anything but tip my cap to her. (Her Twitter following went from 490 to 4,500 in under 12 hours.) Of all the responses she got, I think this was my favorite:

Yes, she's lucky to end up in jail with a ding on her record instead of the hands of trained medical professionals. #GOHAWKS!

Perhaps these people are worthy of the #1 party school ranking after all, but my advice to Vodka Sam would be take your government name off your Twitter account or lock your tweets, because I don't think Corporate America finds raging alcoholism as funny as college football fans do. Regardless, I really think this new-found pseudo-celebrity could be just what the Rehab Doctor ordered to help cope with her substance-abuse issues.

My review of Jesse Pinkman's actions last night.

 THAT, QUITE FRANKLY, WAS AN UNMITIGATED DISASTER. That was the headline by a San Diego Union-Tribute columnist after the San Diego State Aztecs, the reigning Mountain West champions, were dismantled at home by Football Championship Subdivision's Eastern Illinois.

Ohio State will have an unsatisfied, possibly angry team on its hands next week in the Horseshoe. Whether they'll be an good is yet to be seen: 

Seriously? An FCS team just beat the reigning Mountain West champs, 40-19? Looks like the season-opener for the Aztecs was an eye-opener for anyone watching.

You have to think that after Saturday's game, Ohio State views SDSU the way a lion views a zebra. In one week, the Aztecs will travel to Columbus to take on the nation's No. 2 ranked team, and if their performance even remotely resembles what took place against EIU, they'll be lucky to end the game within 60 points.

Simply put: Nothing went well for SDSU Saturday night, except maybe the kicking. Conversely, kicking was the only area where the Panthers struggled, unless we're talking about what they did to the Aztecs behinds.

Ouch. So the game against Buffalo could have apparently been a lot worse. Could you imagine how red the Olentangy would run if Ohio State ever lost to an FCS school at all, let alone in the Shoe to the tune of 40-19?

THEM DOGS GON' BITE. Speaking about the FCS, they raised some ruckus this weekend on FBS teams' turf:

• Towson beat UConn, 33-18.
• Two-time defending FCS champion North Dakota State beat Kansas State, 24-21.
• Eastern Washington beat Oregon State, 49-46.
• McNeese State drubbed USF, 53-13.
• The aforementioned Eastern Illinois beat SDSU 40-19.
• Northern Iowa beat Iowa State 28-25. 
• Samford beat Georgia State, 31-21.
• Southern Utah beat South Alabama, 22-21.

These schools also shelled out a pretty penny for the right to get their asses drilled on their home field by double digit underdogs:

Perhaps the B1G's policy of refusing to schedule FCS schools anymore is actually quite sensible? 

I for one love FCS football, namely because I attended the University of Montana (GO GRRRRRRIZZLIES) out of high school and the FCS runs a 16-team postseason tournament (with games being played on college campuses all the way until the finals) as the Universe intended. Some folks have this illusion of these teams carrying five people in their fanbases, but I promise you their passion is as deep in some programs as any you'll find at FBS schools. The quality of football might also surprise you.

THIS SOUNDS HAUNTINGLY FAMILIAR. Michigan State, after hiring Jim Bollman, surprisingly didn't set the scoreboard aflame in their 26-13 win over Western Michigan. Yet, it wasn't Walrusball that has some Michigan State fans up-in-arms, but Dantonio's loyalty to elder players who aren't producing on game day:

For any decent human being, for any coach with a heart, it can’t be easy to give up on a player who’s given you everything you’ve asked — other than game-day production — since they were high school recruits.

Mark Dantonio, I believe to be a caring person and a coach with more loyalty to his staff and individual players than many in this high-profile, cutthroat business.

It’s a trait MSU should cherish and a better life’s practice than the alternative.

But it’s biting Dantonio and Michigan State’s football program right now. And, ultimately, it’s not fair to a team that’s ready to win big on one side of the ball.

It's almost as if Mark Dantonio used to be an apprentice to Jim Tressel, because DAMN if that doesn't sound like something right out of the Tressel era. I will always love Tress, but his refusal to play the best player by impulsively-deferring to the ranking members of the team was always a big flaw of his. Thankfully, that's not an issue anymore. 

BUT THAT'S JUST SEC DEFENSE, PAWWWL. Georgia didn't exactly leave the friendly confines south of the Mason-Dixon line, but they did go to play a great team in Clemson, put up a great fight and lost. There is no shame in this, despite them having to endure "A-C-C" chants after the game, which was hilarious as it was justified.

It appears, however, the SEC has finally found a way to slow-down up-tempo teams, the same teams the likes of Nick Saban, Bert Beliema and even Gary Danielson have railed against:

And so ends football fans' ability to screech about soccer players taking dives. Some might say Georgia coaches signaled into their players for one of them to take a dive to stop the flow of the offense. (Sonny Dykes accused Northwestern of doing the same thing, which is ironic because California (though not coached by Dykes) did the same thing to Oregon in 2010.)

With the explosion of up-tempo, no-huddle offenses, this is a problem that is only going to get worse. This is obviously bush-league, and something needs to be done; suspending the coordinator and the player for the next game is an idea I liked. Or perhaps the answer is what The PB&J Kid Kliff Kingsbury suggested when Saban and Beliema first whined about the speed of offenses: "stop recruiting these beasts up front." 

Side note: Georgia's #1 receiver, Malcolm Mitchell, seriously injured his knee while celebrating running back Todd Gurley's touchdown. (DAMN THAT TROPE SEEMS FAMILIAR TOO.)

TOLEDO STAND UP. I love Toledo, but am I surprised this video of a woman enraged over Chicken McNuggets not being served at 10:30 AM coming from the Glass City? Not in the least. (WARNING: adult language, hilariousness, etc.) 

How do I go Super Saiyan? Where's the dojo where I can harness that power? (I also enjoy how the person behind this crazed lunatic pulled up to the window immediately after Super Saiyan sped off.) 

THOSE WMDs. David Frost interviews Muhammad Ali... Dashcams capture horrifying mudslide...  12 minutes of freedom in 460 days of activity... Penn State is selling "commemorative" t-shirts for their win over Syracuse... Vine: #likeaboss... Amazing how many viruses can be found in a gram of feces... Fox Sports Southwest disgraced the memory of five murdered hookers... then Craig James got fired after his first appearance... Greatest name ever?... Winners of the Red Bull photography contest... A Georgia fan cried on the radio after the loss to Clemson... Nine car break-ins at campus-area hotel early Saturday morning... Alan Sepinwall's review of last night's Breaking Bad... What critics said about Breaking Bad five years ago... BREAKING: Vegas is INDOMITABLE... Vin Scully for King of the World... Good Guy Johnny Football... FINEBAUM MIGHT BE A WAX STATUE... Hitler quotes attributed to Taylor Swift are doing well on Pinterest...