Monday Skull Session

As fun as it was leveling Penn State, it was almost as equally fun shutting up the Chicken Little section of the fanbase too, if only for one week. Sorry guys, your anxious wait to tell us "I TOLD YOU SO!!" will have to wait another week.

What's the point of even being a "fan" if you're incessantly crying every week because Ohio State failed to win 63-14? "WHAT, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE CRITICISM? QUIT DRINKIN THE KOOL-AID, BROSEPH." I can handle the criticism as long it's not in the form of a grown-ass man crying like a toddler forced to eat a plate of vegetables before another game of Candy Crush can be played on their parents' iPad.

Man, that victory was sweet, and man... did Penn State fans react to that loss the same way a slug reacts to being dropped into a pail of salt.

PENN STATE AFTERMATH: THE SALT FILES. Some patriot 11W's own Nicholas Jervey compiled an Imgur gallery of Black and White Illustrated's reaction to the loss, and it's about as fantastic as you'd expect. Here are some of my favorites [SIC'd, obvii].

The refs have created an unfair advantage that no NFL team would be unable to overcome.

I will always associate OSU with losers. Even when they win,

Meh! So we lost 63-14. That's like losing a baseball game 4.5 to 1.

On the bright side, Mark May looks stupid for picking PSU.

This will be like the 2013 version of the Alamo. The kids will not forget Urban Meyer ran up the score.

The whole gallery needs to be viewed, because I can't print most of my favorites here. However, here's a pro-tip: it's IMPOSSIBLE to run up the score in a game between two FBS opponents. This isn't a church league, you guys. Urban Meyer's job isn't to stop his offense, and it's not his fault the BCS voters lust for "style points."

If the Big Ten was better, then maybe Ohio State wouldn't need them as much. Seeing as PSU is in the Big Ten, and they pay a man hundreds of thousands of dollars whose specific job was to stop Urban's offense, then it seems most of the blame for the score lays on PSU's doorstep. Please just take the ass-whooping like a sports fan above the age of 13.

PENN STATE AFTERMATH: SALT FILES [PROFESSIONAL VERSION]. Message board commenters over-reacting and posting stream-of-conscious, moronic ramblings is only a few days younger than the internet itself. Yet, it also expanded to people who get paid for their opinions:

To be fair, Ben Jones is much smarter than this tweet, and he was obviously having a bad night, but driving before a halftime after which Penn State would get the ball ABSOLUTELY calls for a timeout.

And then there's this PennLive.com article — and I swear on the grave of my childhood pet caterpillar named "Chip" — this is the actual headline: "I'll Take Christian Hackenberg, Blake Bortles or Kenny Guiton over Braxton Miller and Here's Why." ORLY? Do tell.

If I ran Ohio State, for instance, I’m not at all sure I wouldn’t prefer Kenny Guiton over Miller simply because he’s the better pure passer. And passing, along with thinking, is a much greater share of what I want my quarterback to do.

The best part is this article (other than the milquetoast dilution of his own argument with "I'm not all that sure...") is it was written on September 27th, 2013. Do you think after watching Braxton go 18/24 for 252 yards and three touchdowns he came to realize Braxton is a whole lot more than a "gifted runner"? 

DON'T HURT 'EM, MAGICAL BRAXTON

BERT'S TEAM GOT BLASTED AGAIN. Folks, it appears Bert Beliema is having a rough go of it in the SEC. It's almost as if SEC coaches realized Bert was a duplicitous bag of shit and all decided to put the screws to him. Even their Bye Week drilled Bert's plump, red ass:

Fayetteville — The Arkansas Razorbacks lost their 6 straight game in an unexpected 51-14 loss to a bye week. The loss puts Arkansas at 3-6 on the season, and is the 3rd straight week where opponents have scored over 50 points on the Razorbacks.

Arkansas got off to a hot start with a 87 yard scoring drive that ended in a 29 yard touchdown run by Alex Collins. They were then able to hold off the Bye Week’s drive with a quick 3 and out. On the following drive the Razorbacks’ offense stalled on the 40 yard line when they failed a 4th down conversion.

The Bye Week scored 6 straight touchdowns to go up 42-7, and put the game out of reach. In that stretch Arkansas turned the ball over 8 times including 6 interceptions by Brandon Allen that were returned for touchdowns.

Man, it really IS NOT a good time to be a Razorback right now. All satire aside, I wonder if there's any buyer's remorse happening amongst the movers and shakers of Arkansas? Granted, it's not like Bert was expected to contend for an SEC title, but man, the SEC has been teaching Bert a new definition of gettin' hammered.

URBAN MEYER: MASTER MOTIVATOR. Harken back to the Northwestern game, if you will... when the outcome was still in doubt. Braxton Miller had just fumbled for the second time in the game and looked a skiddish on his sprained MCL. A large portion of fans were clamoring for the Smooth Sensation to be released on the uppity Nerds, and for a minute it appeared they would get their wish: Kenny Guiton was seen warming up on the sideline.

How did Braxton respond to that moment? By detonating on his enemies. Since then, here are Braxton's stats:

46 of 60, 77% completion rate, 563 yards, 5 TDs, 0 INTs

ATTENTION UNITED NATIONS: Ohio State has joined the Nuclear Club.

POSSIBLY THE GREATEST RUMOR EVER. I don't know where this came from, maybe only the mind of Doctor of Gonzo91, but allow your mind to wonder to the amazing possibilities:

What? Huh? Me? The GUY YOU TWEETED AT ON THE INTERNET? Haha! No!!! Wraaaastlin? The Big time? *nervously sweating, flipping through cell phone to angrily text publicist* NO WAY, HOMBRE, I TOTALLY WASN'T ON STEROIDS AND USING THE ALIAS "GOLDBERG" IN THE LATE NINETIES. Haha!!

THOSE WMDs. The Manhattan Project's top secret town that didn't even exist on maps... Ohio State fans name daughter Scarlet Grey... Goldy the Gopher's Iron Man costume was pretty slick... Russia's disappearing cinemas... Underneath New York City... Tomato Can Blues... To kill invasive rats, groups are dropping rat poison from helicopters on the Galapogos Islands... Wikipedia has seen a 40% drop in editors since 2007... Ohioans disposed of 8,600 pounds of prescription pills this weekend... Ohio DUI video confessor says video may have hurt him... Major Cleveland heroin-distribution gang, Lakeshore Boyz, busted up... Mike Pouncey subpoenaed after loss to New England... Michigan's Battleship: SUNK...