Tuesday Skull Session

I've given Cincinnati a lot of guff, but the ol' girlfriend and I were in the Natti on Sunday to watch the Browns degrade the game of football, and I must say I was quite impressed with the downtown. Just a cool looking area with some sweet looking architecture; it's evident it's a lot older than Columbus. 

I could have done without Bengals fans singing scoreboard-led carols after the Bengals managed to manufacture 41 points out of 15 yards of offense — that was my personal Hell, honestly — but that's another topic entirely.

So there you go, Queen City. Consider this my Christmas gift. May we continue our frosty standoff until I'm dead by age 38 (cause of death: Browns football.)

ALT UNIFORMS IN ANN ARBOR, AHOY. Perhaps you dwell in a subterranean cavern or you were hunting moose in the wilds of Alaska: you might have missed the news Ohio State will be wearing alternate uniforms against Michigan. While not officially confirmed by Ohio State (they took a posted gallery down, for whatever reason) the uniforms are already for sale because money never sleeps. (H/T @BuckeyeJammer).

Because Walt is super talented, he's given us a glimpse as to what these hot boyz might look like when donned by the Buckeyes:

I used to be all "GET THESE OFF MY LAWN" with alt uniforms, but I'm done fake caring about them. Obviously, I consider Ohio State football jerseys to be damn-near military regalia, but these alternate jerseys aren't going anywhere anytime soon. The kids love them, so whatever. In the immortal words of legendary baseballer/sexual conquistador/poet Juan Pierre, "IT IS WHAT IT IS."

Plus, Jason dropped a batch of hot ether on people in the media hating on what President Warren G. Harding would undoubtedly call "the cocaine whites":

This tweet was such a beat down I'm surprised it wasn't posted to WorldStar.

BUT KENNY G, YOUR BROWNS CAREER HAS YET TO BEGIN. For the last three months, every day, I have written letters to Browns GM/Chief Idiot Mike Lombardi; I've even flooded his inbox with this highlight video of the Smooth Sensation:

(TELL ME KENNY GUITON WOULDN'T AUTOMATICALLY BE THE BEST BROWNS QUARTERBACK OF THE LAST 13 YEARS AND LET ME CALL YOU A LIAR TO YOUR FACE.)

Sadly, it appears Kenny Guiton doesn't want to become the Eternal Kingpin of the Crown Jewel of Western Civilization. Apparently, Kenny Guiton won't even be taking a flier with the NFL:

*sighs at the broken shards of another Cleveland Browns dream lying at my feet*

Oh, well. I suppose Urban Meyer is going to need a replacement by 2075, and the Smooth Sensation should be ready by then. Probably better than ending up as a broken homeless man with a crippling oxycontin addiction wandering the eastside of Cleveland, which would in reality end up being Guiton's fate the moment he took a snap as a Browns quarterback.

JAMEIS WINSTON GAZES INTO THE FUTURE OF HIS FREEDOM

JAMEIS WINSTON'S LAYWER IS TROUBLED. Everybody knows about the legal cloud surrounding Florida State stand-out and Heisman frontrunner, Jameis Winston. It's a bizarre situation all around, and we're still weeks away from a decision on charging him. 

This, however, hasn't stopped Jameis' lawyer from posturing on the matter:

Winston's attorney, Tim Jansen, pointed to State Attorney Willie Meggs' comment to The Associated Press that the nearly year-long delay for Tallahassee police to notify his office about the incident gave witnesses time to talk to lawyers and corroborate their stories.

... "Such extrajudicial public statements at this early point in his investigation raise concerns in the minds of Mr. Winston and the public that Mr. Meggs may not be conducting the objective, fair, and unbiased investigation, which is the right of every person involved in the criminal justice system."

... Tallahassee police turned over the case to Meggs' office last week but have declined to comment on the reason for the delay. Jansen told numerous media outlets that he had been told by police in February the case was closed. Prosecutors last week said police told them that at the time, the victim did not wish to pursue charges.

This investigation has clearly been a distraction for Florida State as they're a mere 56 point favorite against Idaho this weekend.

(Yes, Florida State scheduled Idaho, whose only win was a 2-point victory over Temple, in the middle of November. Please don't break your legs running to your television to watch the media circle the wagons to lampoon Florida State for their decision to add a woeful Idaho team to their November schedule in December of 2012.)

CLEMSON TRYING TO BOOTLEG TBDBITL. I guess it was only a matter of time before other schools looked at TBDBITL's catalog and tried something more advanced than marching in straight lines and rudimentary geometry shapes. Enter Clemson, with their "Nintendo theme" performance from this weekend:

Maybe the TBDBITL has turned me into a band hipster, but color me unimpressed because the TBDBITL has already done killed the video game ode as halftime performance art.

WISCONSIN IS REALLY GOOD ACCORDING TO MATH. The guys over at Football Outsiders have a custom ranking system called the S&P. This is how they break it down:

• Success Rate: A common Football Outsiders tool used to measure efficiency by determining whether every play of a given game was successful or not. The terms of success in college football: 50 percent of necessary yardage on first down, 70 percent on second down, and 100 percent on third and fourth down.
• EqPts Per Play (PPP): An explosiveness measure derived from determining the point value of every yard line (based on the expected number of points an offense could expect to score from that yard line) and, therefore, every play of a given game.
• Drive Efficiency: As of February 2013, S&P+ also includes a drive-based aspect based on the field position a team creates and its average success at scoring or preventing the points expected based on that field position.
• Opponent adjustments: Success Rate and PPP combine to form S&P, an OPS-like measure for football. Then each team's S&P output for a given category (Rushing/Passing on either Standard Downs or Passing Downs) is compared to the expected output based upon their opponents and their opponents' opponents. For the drive efficiency portion, the same approach is taken based on net points and starting field position. This is a schedule-based adjustment designed to reward tougher schedules and punish weaker ones.

Okay, I DON'T NEED TO KNOW HOW THE COW WAS BUTCHERED IN ORDER TO ENJOY MY STEAK, SO WHERE'S MY STEAK?

(Click to enlarge.)

I really liked Wisconsin at #4 (SEE THE B1G ISN'T TRASH — take that, media idiots!!!!!111) but then I realized Ohio State is at #8, below the likes of Wisconsin, Louisville and an Oregon team who lost to Stanford (who lost to Utah and an interim-coached USC). THIS IS WHY I HATE MATH AND CONSIDER IT SORCERY, AND THIS IS WHY I WILL NO LONGER BE PAYING FOR THIS STEAK. (I also plan on leaving a negative Yelp review, because that's what people who have a lot of sex do: leave 1,200 word reviews about their mediocre meal on Yelp.)

THOSE WMDs. "Auto-Correct," the long story of Google's work on a self-driving car... 11W is now bigger than FarmersOnly.com... Bill Stewart/Luke Fickell cited as examples why USC shouldn't hire Ed Ogeron full-time... The Cavs are a mess... The most amazing portrait of Illinois football you'll ever see... Your social network may indicate your chance of being shot... Bill Snyder is legit... Highlights of Chad Mavety, a highly touted OL, who will be at Ohio State this weekend... A 35 year-old virgin wrote an NYT op-ed... Urban Meyer: not a fan of the BCS... Paul Brown: innovator, winner... The Decline of Book Reviewing (1959)... How far we're going to save youth football... Inside the world of competitive laughing... New Attorney General unit will battle Ohio's "heroin epidemic"...